He hates admitting that he is weak, hates admitting that he is hurting and that he needs help but oh god, he is curled up in a little ball, just barely able to breathe, feeling his own blood seeping into his already filthy clothes.
He's alone now, but he can see their faces, see the derision in their eyes as he pleads for help. He can see them ringing him, their heads blocking out the dim light- the only light- their lips twisted mockingly as they see his pain, his vulnerability.
If he had his gun he would shoot himself but he's sure he's dying already and he's filled with a quiet regret for the things he said and the things he didn't and the people he tried and failed to save. He sees his father's face as it was in their last confrontation, mottled with rage as he denounces the son he never wanted, as he says the words that tony carries around like a scar. The words 'you are no son of mine' to this day echo in his ears when the silence becomes too much.
He has always been alone, a lonely child growing into a lonely man.
The hurts his parents inflicted run so deep he doesn't think anyone knows they are there, and he hides that part of himself as best he can from the only people he can truly call family. And even though he hides his fears, his insecurities under a mask of lighthearted indifference he knows that sometimes it shows in his eyes and he knows he can't hide it forever, that he can't always play the wiseass, the joker.
Their faces flash before his eyes.
Tough, competent Gibbs. The one man who did a better job of raising him than his own father ever did. Kate, little Katie, who has become a combination of friendly aunt and overprotective mother. McGee, probie. The newbie on the team that he has come to regard as younger brother.Ducky. Gentle, genial Ducky, always willing to give him advice on life, always willing to share a story. Abbs. Sweet, utterly brilliant Abby who he has flirted with, whose shoulder he has cried on when death becomes too much to handle.
He needs them. It makes him cringe to admit it even to himself but he needs them to make him real again, to heal him even if they don't know they are doing it, filling his empty soul with their warmth.
Suddenly they are there, the four of them, and they look so concerned, so fearful, that it makes him ache.
Abby reaches out to him but he pulls away becuase in the twilight he has found himself in nothing seems real except the rusty tang of blood and he is more afraid than ever that he is hallucinating. Only then does he realise that he is saying something, that he is saying it over and over.
'Not real. You're not real.'
He knows that if they are only there in his mind her hand will pass through his flesh and it will break him when he has tried so hard to be strong. So he forces himself to pull away but her had touches his cold cheek and she is whispering his name, desperately trying to reach him through the barrier he has put up against her.
Unexpectedly he is crying, he can feel his tears mingling with the blood on his face where he has bitten a hole through his lip. A part of him is truly horrified at his loss of control but all he can feel is the blinding pain and the overwhelming relief that he is no longer alone.
Gibbs is kneeling next to him, reassuring him with the contact he was denied, telling him that he knows, that it's ok, that he's not going to die, that it's safe. And even though Tony doesnt remember saying he didnt want to die, one word reverberates inside his mind.
Safe.
Despite the pain he holds on to that word, seeing it mirrored in Abby's hands, in Kate's eyes, in McGee's gun, and yes, in Gibbs' words. The world around him slowly begins to dim and this time he welcomes it becuase it will help him, restore his damaged body and fragile soul.
He will not die. This time he sees with perfect clarity that they are fighting for him becaue they know he can't, and he surrenders himself to them. They do care. He is not just another agent, not just another colleague.
Knowing that they have come for him begins to rebuild his shattered spirit.
No, he won't give in to those black waters where hope is lost and the world is a bleak, unhappy place.
Not just yet. He has his reasons.
They keep him from drowning.
Story Notes:
This is my first work of fiction, so be as gentle as possible. Changes have been made, so enjoy...
standard disclaimers apply.
the cast of ncis is not mine, sadly. they are the exclusive property of donald bellisario and affiliates.
i'm only playing with them.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony's thoughts on his colleagues and their relationships to him when he is kidnapped
Chapter End Notes:
This is my first work of fiction, so be as gentle as possible. Changes have been made, so enjoy...
standard disclaimers apply.
the cast of ncis is not mine, sadly. they are the exclusive property of donald bellisario and affiliates.
i'm only playing with them.
standard disclaimers apply.
the cast of ncis is not mine, sadly. they are the exclusive property of donald bellisario and affiliates.
i'm only playing with them.