Gibbs ran his fingers through Tony's hair. It was so soft and silky, reminding Gibbs of petting the cat Shannon had when they first started dating. Gibbs had been more of a dog person then, but the big ginger tabby, Chester, had won him over. He loved curling up in Gibbs' lap, his rumbling purr sounding like a small diesel engine.
Gibbs smiled. He wondered if Tony would be insulted or flattered by the comparison to Chester. The younger man was no pampered pet, but he definitely deserved to be loved and cherished.
He stared into the fire, watching the flames dance as he considered the man sleeping soundly with his head pillowed on Gibbs' thigh. Gibbs had recognized the sounds of Tony's nightmare when they filtered through the open bedroom door earlier. The restive movements, the mumbled words laced with fear and desperation, the harsh and uneven breathing. He knew all those firsthand. But Gibbs hadn't known if it would be a good idea to wake Tony or let him wake on his own.
He wasn't sure how to deal with the younger man's possible response to being woken. Gibbs' reaction to his own nightmares was often to lash out violently, striking anyone within arm's reach. He didn't want to fight Tony and possibly hurt him. Guys he knew in the service often pulled back, scrabbling away, falling out of bed in their haste to evade anyone trying to touch them. Gibbs didn't want to scare Tony any more than his dream already had. Others he knew had woken up crying, and Gibbs had never known how to handle that.
It shamed him that his indecision resulted in his doing nothing, leaving Tony to deal with his subconscious on his own. He had only approached Tony after the younger man had left the bedroom. Gibbs was half afraid Tony was sleepwalking. What else would have been doing wondering around in the dark at two in the morning?
He never expected Tony to take him down so easily. Tony was definitely wide awake. The younger man was a lot faster than Gibbs thought he'd be and far better at unarmed combat than he'd let on. Gibbs grinned. It would be fun to find out just how good Tony really was when they got back to NCIS.
His grin faded into a frown as he remembered how hard Tony had been shaking. That Tony hadn't even realized he was trembling had worried Gibbs. He was so pale his skin was nearly translucent in the flickering light. Gibbs had never seen anyone look that pale who wasn't on one of Ducky's tables. It made Gibbs feel even worse about leaving Tony alone to deal with whatever haunted him.
At least he'd been able to help with the aftermath. He looked down at Tony, smiling fondly. There was so much about him Gibbs still had to find out. It was like peeling an onion; layers upon layers.
Gibbs was astounded to find out Tony had never dreamt about Kate. He'd brought her up thinking she would give them common ground. He hoped his admission would be a way to make it easier for Tony to open up about his nightmare.
Kate did give them common ground, just not what he'd expected. It was good to talk about her, to reminisce. In trying so hard to forget how she died, Gibbs had lost a lot of what she was like when alive. Tony gave Kate back to him. It was an amazing gift he hoped to be able to repay some day.
Gibbs shook his head. How the hell his trying to help Tony had ended up with Tony helping him was a mystery. And he still had no clear idea what the younger man's nightmare had been about.
Still, he had helped Tony, of that Gibbs was sure. The shadows that had lingered in normally bright, lively green eyes had disappeared as they talked. Tony stopped shaking and his color returned. The capper was his being comfortable and relaxed enough to fall asleep. The level of trust that showed was both heartening and humbling at the same time.
Tony sighed softly, hands moving restlessly for a moment, a frown creasing his forehead. Gibbs froze, uncertain if his touch would disturb or sooth the younger man. Deciding that touching had helped before, Gibbs ran his fingertips gently smoothed away the Tony's frown before sliding through his hair again. Gibbs smiled when Tony settled again almost immediately.
He knew he'd be stiff and his leg would probably fall asleep long before Tony woke, but Gibb couldn't bring himself to care. He was enjoying indulging himself in just studying the younger man.
He made sure not to stare. He knew from past experience staring could wake Tony, although he didn't quite know why. He'd woken the former cop at the office with just a long, hard look. But then, at the office Tony never fully relaxed, even when sleeping.
Tony called it meditating. Gibbs had no idea if he really meditated or not, but it definitely seemed to work for Tony. He suspected the Tony used the time to let his intuition work. The younger man had a unique way of putting together pieces of a puzzle. His instinct was nearly as good as Gibbs. The former Marine knew time and experience would hone Tony's much the same way it had his.
Assuming he got the time, Gibbs mentally amended. Tony was at least as ready as he'd been to lead his own team. Gibbs could walk away, but he no longer wanted to. He finally understood that Tony was one of the main reasons he'd stayed at NCIS.
At first it was just making sure Tony was going to be an adequate replacement for Gibbs, that he was going to be up to the job, that he was good enough to lead a team of his own. Then it was because Gibbs found himself enjoying the job more than he had in the ten years prior. And somehow in less than two years, Gibbs simply couldn't imagine going a day without seeing Tony smile.
It was stupid for it to have taken so long to realize something so obvious. He smiled wryly. Shannon always told him he was too damn dense at times.
Tony mumbled something indistinct. Gibbs lightly stroked his hair, now more confident his touch was welcomed. It always had been he realized with a start. Tony never avoided a single head slap. If anything, it almost seemed as if he went out of his way to get one.
"Smoke and mirrors," Gibbs whispered to himself. Foundation of a good illusion was to give people what they expected to see.
Tony came from a rich family so naturally people would assume he always wanted live 'the good life'. A few comments, a flashy car, and an expensive wardrobe was all it took to cement the image. He was good looking, a natural flirt, and a jock, so a string of girlfriends was another expected assumption. That Tony liked women and seemed to genuinely enjoy their company made it another easy image to maintain. Having his lover beaten to death and the case badly handled by homophobic coworkers was definitely incentive to maintain a fa硤e a looking for nothing but a pair of perky tits, nice legs and a good time.
That immature, happy go lucky attitude had many dismissing Tony as shallow and harmless. Few people ever saw Tony as an outright threat. Many suspects and even some of his teammates wrote Tony off out of hand, never realizing how much information he had gathered just through idle conversation and careful observation.
Gibbs supposed in a lot of ways Tony's choice of illusions wasn't any different than his opting to get married three times to women he liked but didn't love. He wanted that fantasy of a happy home. He wanted to recreate a sense of contentment, safety, happiness and well-being.
In his case, the only one he was fooling was himself...Tony seemed to have figured out how to stay true to himself while fooling everyone else. Almost everyone, Gibbs admitted after a moment's thought. Mike and his family clearly knew. Although, they probably didn't really count. Tony likely hadn't ever tried to fool them.
Abby saw Tony as more than a mental lightweight and goofball. She also knew a lot about him; likely more than Gibbs did. For all his trust in his boss, Tony clearly didn't have enough faith to share all his secrets. Gibbs grimaced, unable to truly blame Tony for his caution. He wanted to be angry about, wanted to feel hurt, but like he'd told Tony earlier, Gibbs had little tolerance for his own hypocrisy. Clearly, Tony limited sharing the painful and personal to his friends; something they really hadn't been until a few months ago.
Gibbs sighed softly. At least he didn't have to worry about Abby having spilled the beans. Tony had told him, not quite voluntarily, but he had told him about being bisexual, so Abby's slip wasn't a huge violation of Tony's trust.
He frowned. Abby said she'd screwed up before and Tony had forgiven her. Did she mean with her wacko stalker ex or something else? It was probably better to leave that mystery alone. Abby and Tony's friendship was their own business.
He unconsciously pet Tony again, finding the action nearly as comforting as Tony seemed to. Gibbs lips curled in a rueful smile. He was too old to need a security blanket, but not too old to appreciate having one.
Gibbs studied Tony's expression, memorizing the peaceful contentment on display that was rarely seen. Taking in Tony's profile, he was reminded of some of the classical Greek and Roman Sculptures his first ex-wife had drug him to a museum to see. The artists certainly had an eye for what was beautiful in both men and women. They likely would have paid a fortune for Tony to model for them.
Beauty wasn't a word Gibbs often applied to men, but it definitely fit Tony. His high cheekbones and clean jaw line were angular enough to meet the modern standard for masculine strength, yet soft enough so as not be too harsh or out of proportion. Damn good bone structure was how Abby had put it not long after meeting Tony. Gibbs hadn't been willing to admit to himself he understood what she meant then, but he couldn't miss it now.
Tony's impossibly long, thick eyelashes and smooth unblemished skin would make any woman green with envy. Hell, even McGee was probably envious...especially after the teasing he took about his own skin care. Gibbs was betting that Tony had probably been one of those lucky few to go through puberty unscathed. McGee likely suffered with the same severe acne that seemed to be the bane of nearly every teenager's existence.
Usually green, but occasionally blue or gray, Tony had very pretty eyes too. Gibbs blushed. Christ. He was turning into some overly romantic sap. Thank god no one would ever know what he was thinking.
Well, almost no one. He might figure out a way to actually say some of it to Tony, assuming he could do it and not sound like some love struck idiot. Gibbs didn't have any desire to have make a fool of himself.
Gibbs risked shifting to a more comfortable position, slouching a bit so he could rest his head on the back of the couch. He was relieved that his movement hadn't seemed to disturb Tony much. The younger man rolled on to his back, pulling the blanket up higher, breathing still deep and even.
Gibbs closed his eyes, petting Tony again almost reflexively. He tried to remember the last time he felt this relaxed. Maybe it was his recent amnesia, but he couldn't recall feeling as good as he did now in years.
Gibbs narrowly opened his eyes to look at the candles on the mantel. Getting up to blow them out would probably wake Tony. It didn't seem worth the effort. And Gibbs really didn't want to lose this moment of physical closeness. He wasn't sure when he'd get to do it again.
Tony probably had more candles in the cabin somewhere so it shouldn't matter if they burned down to nothing. They were in brass candlesticks, sitting on a stone mantel. Not really a fire hazard. The same could be said of the hurricane lamp Tony had lit.
Gibbs sighed. The sun would be rising in another hour. He could probably stay awake. It wasn't like he hadn't been up for days at a time in the past. But there was no urgency now, to driving need to solve a case, no lives at risk.
Gibbs hadn't had any coffee in the last eight hours. He was warm, comfortable. He laid a hand on Tony's chest, above his heart. He couldn't quite feel the constant, even beat he knew as there, but steady rise and fall of Tony's chest was just as reassuring.
He opened his eyes when he felt Tony's hand close over his, holding it loosely. Sleepy green eyes looked up at him. Tony smiled, sweet and beatific.
"Boss?"
Gibbs smiled down at him, not quite sure what Tony was asking. "Still here, Tony." He hoped that was the right answer.
"S'good." Tony mumbled, eyes sliding closed again. "Nice." He squeezed Gibbs' hand, holding it closer to his chest. "Like this."
"Me too." Gibbs hoped Tony would remember this when he woke up. Or that he'd find a way to remind Tony that wouldn't embarrass either of them.
Gibbs sighed softly. He added this moment to the list of things he wanted indelibly committed to his memory. His gut told him it was going to eventually be a long, long list.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs does some thinking while Tony sleeps.