Tony woke slowly, cataloging sensations and sounds as the sleep induced mental fog cleared. A heavy, solid weight rested against his back. An arm and leg were wrapped around him, holding him close. The hold wasn't so much confining as comforting. Expensive soft cotton sheets felt wonderful against his bare skin. A faint breeze drifted lazily through an open window bearing the scent of the forest and the sound of small birds.
Tony sighed. He was warm and safe, content to just lie where he was. His entire body hummed with a sense of well being that he hadn't experienced in years.
Tony smiled as the memories of how he got where he was and who he was with came to him. The bout of slow, exploratory love making in the cabin differed considerably from rough and ready first time they'd had in the forest. It was no less intense and certainly just as satisfying, perhaps even more so. With the edge taken off, Tony had time to focus on locating all those little spots that would make Gibbs sigh, finding just the right touch to elicit a breathy moan, learn how to make him writhe, know what to do to make him beg.
Tony's smile grew. He never would have thought nipping the delicate skin on the underside of Gibbs' wrist would cause such an extreme reaction. Or that the tips of his ears could be so sensitive. Or that the man might actually be more than a little ticklish behind his left knee.
Of course these moments of discovery weren't all one sided. Tony had his own little hot spots Gibbs located in turn. He was sure the older man's once again sharp memory had made some record of each and every one. Even if he hadn't, finding them again could be just as much fun as the first time had been.
Tony had been genuinely surprised to realize when it came to making love to a man he was far more experienced than Gibbs. He was used to being more up on pop culture and technological things. The difference in their ages and aptitudes essentially guaranteed Tony would know more about things like that. But sex seemed so intrinsic and utterly basic to Tony. It was something he assumed every one knew details about; even if one didn't have kinks of his own, he usually knew about what constituted kinky on an academic level, or understood the mechanics and theory of sex if not the practice of all its aspects. Tony was so accustomed to following Gibbs' lead, it had been almost surreal to find himself being the one guiding and offering encouragement during their last encounter.
Not that Gibbs was a virgin. Far from it. Tony shivered, remembering just how good Gibbs was with his tongue and hands. Lord. And that was before he knew what Tony really liked. Gibbs had forced him to add a few new preferences to the list.
The older man might not have the same level of varied experience Tony had garnered with men over the years, but was definitely a willing student and quick study. Not that there had been all that many men, but Tony was positive he'd known more than Gibbs had. It made sense, Tony mused silently, given the number of years of his life Gibbs had been involved in committed relationships. The man didn't have that much time to play the field, and he was too honorable to fool around while married.
And trusting someone with penetration...well that wasn't the sort of thing Tony could see Gibbs doing with someone he considered a one night stand. The former Marine was just not wired that way. Tony thought it was a good thing. Even with all his experience, Tony could count on one hand the number he'd trusted enough to allow that level of intimacy. After the disastrous relationship with Seth, and then with what happened to Caleb, Tony had become very cautious about the men he dated.
He sighed. Tony started to stretch, pulling free of Gibbs' hold. The movement was aborted almost before he even started when Gibbs' hold tightened, pulling Tony closer and pinning him against the older man's chest. Tony felt a momentary flash of fear, thinking Gibbs might start to clutch him the way he had that morning when caught up in his nightmare. The memory of not being able to breathe, the desperate need to move washed over him. Tony froze, torn between the need to escape and the desire to stay close to the one person who had always been a source of comfort and security.
"Tony?" Gibbs raised his head, voice rough with sleep, holding a definitive note of concern.
Tony took a shaky breath and forced himself to relax. Gibbs hadn't meant to scare him then, and he didn't mean to do it now. He just had to reassure the older man that everything was all right.
"I'm...I'm o-o-okay." He mentally cursed himself for sounding like a frightened child. No one in his right mind would believe you meant that, you idiot, Tony berated himself.
Gibbs propped himself up on one elbow, shifting so he could make eye contact. "I can feel your heart beat. Can hear your breathing. You never stutter. Something's wrong."
"How long have you been awake?" Tony asked, frowning. He was sure Gibbs had been asleep. Shouldn't the man be less coherent than this? Shouldn't little details like Tony's heart rate and breathing be overlooked?
Gibbs glared at him. "Do not change the subject." Both his tone and gaze softened a second later. "I did something wrong."
"Not wrong." Tony cupped Gibbs' cheek.
Sky blue eyes searched green. "What then?"
Tony gave Gibbs a rueful smile. "You got a hell of a grip, Boss."
Gibbs blanched and started to move away. Tony was quick to move with him, rolling them over and putting the older man under him, pinning him in place. "I didn't say it was a bad thing."
"You didn't have to," Gibbs growled, shadows of guilt and recrimination in his eyes. "I scared you."
"More like surprised me," Tony equivocated. Seeing Gibbs didn't believe him Tony sighed. "Was a little intense this morning when you," he hesitated, unsure if he should bring up what happened then or not.
"When I had a nightmare," Gibbs finished.
Tony dipped his head in acknowledgement. "Wasn't sure if this would be a repeat of that."
Blue eyes drifted to focus on the bruise Tony knew he still had on his temple. He wished his hair was longer so it would cover the injury. Or that he'd been smarter about escaping Gibbs' hold that morning. If it hadn't left such visible evidence the whole thing would have blown over and been forgotten by now.
"It wasn't your fault, Boss."
"Bullshit." Gibbs tried to pull away, but Tony wouldn't let him. "Damn it, DiNozzo, why can't you just--"
"Why can't you?" Tony asked knowing Gibbs was either going to ask him to agree with him or let it go.
Gibbs winced. "I hurt you."
"It's just bruise. It's not a big deal." Tony rolled his eyes. It wasn't even the worst he'd ever gotten. Hell, when he was twelve his father...Tony forcibly shut down that chain of thought. It wouldn't help the situation to bring up stuff from his past.
"It was more than a 'just a bruise' or I wouldn't have scared you a second ago."
"God, you're a stubborn bastard," Tony muttered.
"I prefer tenacious."
Tony snorted. "Obstinate."
"Determined."
"Pigheaded." Tony countered, struggling to suppress a smile. He'd have never expected them to have what was shaping up to be a silly argument. "It's all semantics."
Gibbs smiled. "Beginning to think you were right about that being important."
Tony laughed, amused in spite of himself. He buried his face against Gibbs' chest. "You drive me nuts."
"But you love me anyway."
"Yeah, I do." Tony bit his lip as he realized what he'd just said. It had been so casual and natural. It was a surprisingly easy thing to admit to when Tony thought about how long he'd kept his feelings a secret.
"And I love you."
Tony felt Gibbs place a kiss in his hair. He was glad his face was hidden. There was no way he could hide how that quiet declaration affected him. He was elated and terrified at the same time. The last person to tell say 'I love you' like that and mean it was Caleb.
"You aren't supposed to hurt people you love."
Tony raised his head to protest again, not wanting Gibbs to carry around a burden of misplaced guilt. "You didn't mean to."
"It was unintentional...I agree with you on that point." Blue eyes held green easily. "The bottom line is I did scare you and you got hurt because of me."
"Just the facts then?" Tony snorted, knowing he'd never win if Gibbs insisted on that stance. "What about me dumping you on your ass?"
Gibbs arched an eyebrow. "We'll address that in the gym when we get back."
"Okay...if we can do a tit for tat with that, why not this?" Tony asked, hoping they could find some sort of middle ground. He waggled his eyebrows. "I could always spank you, if it would make you feel better."
Gibbs frowned. "I'm serious."
Tony resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It wasn't like he had any doubts about Gibbs' mental state. The man was making too big a deal out of this.
Tony placed a light kiss on Gibbs' chin. "I like being held by you. I like sleeping with you." He more than liked it, but Tony wasn't sure he should admit to that just yet. How exactly was he supposed to tell Gibbs that he hadn't felt so safe in years without sounding like some sort of needy weakling or messed up moron? Unless he was around Mike and his family, Tony rarely slept deeply.
"I like sleeping with you too," Gibbs admitted quietly.
"Good." Tony smiled softly, pleased they were on the same page. "So let's not make a mountain out of a mole hill here."
"But I could have another--"
"Yeah, you could." Given the way things went with the job, bad dreams were bound to be a part of their lives. Tony looked away. "Hell, next time it could just as easily be me hurting you."
Sometimes the only way to really get any sleep at all was to wear himself down to the point where exhaustion made it impossible to stay awake and unlikely for him to dream. Not all his nightmares were as intense as dreaming about Caleb, but there were plenty of others. Breaking his leg in college, seeing his partner in Philly almost going off a roof with a jumper he was trying to talk down, trapped in the sewers, nearly dieing from the plague...Tony had lots of demons to choose from.
"I'm willing to take the risk if you are."
Gibbs stared at him silently for so long Tony was worried that maybe the older man wasn't willing to risk it. "You really would---"
"I really would." No doubts, no hesitation. He wanted this. Had for so damn long it was hard to remember there was a time when he hadn't. He wasn't giving it up now.
Gibbs smiled, blue eyes bright with love and affection. "You never cease to amaze me."
"That a good thing?"
Gibbs chuckled, kissing Tony soundly. "A very good thing."
"Excellent." Tony grinned, delighted to have solved what he didn't think should have ever been a problem in the first place.
Gibbs sobered. There was an uncharacteristic hesitation on his part that let Tony know he was about to broach a heavy topic.
"Speaking of risk?"
"Yeah?" Tony asked, wary, not quite sure what to make of Gibbs' expression.
"Do you want us to be out at work? To have the rest of the team know about us?"
Tony pulled back, staring at Gibbs. The question was honest, not rhetorical or sarcastic. Gibbs was genuinely asking him what he wanted.
Tony swallowed hard. He wasn't expecting that so soon...if at all. Evidently that constant amazement thing worked both ways. Being out was a huge step. Monumental. Hell, they'd only just started this relationship, but the question clearly showed Gibbs was obviously committed. The man just didn't do things in half measures. As reassuring as that knowledge was, Tony still hesitated.
"You'd do that?" Tony bit his lip. "I mean we've only just...it's not been all that long since we--"
"It's been four years. It's only recent we took this step," Gibbs countered. He cupped Tony's face with both hands. "I love you. I don't mind if other people know that."
Tony wondered if he'd ever get used to hearing Gibbs say 'I love you'. Somehow he doubted it would ever lose its power.
Gibbs gave Tony a wink and a smile. "Not interested in sharing details of our sex life, but if you want to be out and don't want to hide us being together, I'm fine with it."
Tony considered Gibbs' offer. It was clear he wanted Tony to know he was proud to be with him, not ashamed or embarrassed by their relationship. And Tony appreciated the sentiment. But to tell the rest of the team?Abby, she'd be okay. McGee, probably. Ziva?he couldn't even begin to guess which way she'd jump. And the director would probably fire him out right and possibly Gibbs too. The rest of NCIS? Tony shook his head as images of what happened to Caleb and every hate crime he'd worked coming unbidden to mind.
Gibbs knew how to take care of himself, but even he would have trouble fighting off multiple assailants. Anyone could be overwhelmed or caught by surprise. Their coworkers didn't even have to actively do anything. They could put Gibbs at risk by doing nothing. Their cases went to shit often enough having no back up could be deadly.
"No...no one at work can know." Tony shook his head.
Tony unconsciously tightened his hold on Gibbs, terror making him break out into a cold sweat as thoughts of what could happen ran rampant. Images of Gibbs bloody and broken made it hard to breathe. He had to explain. He had to make sure Gibbs understood. He wasn't a hypocrite either. He wasn't suffering some internal form of homophobia. They couldn't be out. It was too dangerous.
"Not ashamed, Jethro...please don't think that. Never ashamed of you...or us being together." Tony shuddered, shaking his head again. "It's not safe. Too dangerous. Can't risk it. Christ. Your life. You...Can't." Tony gasped, feeling himself coming close to hyperventilating. "Your career. No-"
"Tony!" Gibbs snapped, breaking in on his rising panic. "It's okay. It. Is. Okay. You're fine. You're safe." He hugged Tony tightly to him, hands moving in soothing strokes up and down the younger man's back. "If you want us to be a secret, that's all right too. Not going to risk your life or career either. If you aren't comfortable with being out, it's okay."
Tony clenched his jaw, holding in a sob and buried his face into Gibbs' chest. He was nearly breathless with relief that Gibbs was okay with their being discreet, was willing to keep their relationship a secret. His own career wasn't an issue. It never had been. He changed jobs enough that having to get another one wouldn't really faze him. Not if doing so would keep Gibbs safe. His own safety wasn't really something Tony worried about. He knew, at least since he was twelve, his father had considered him expendable and worthless; it wasn't until meeting Mike that he realized not everyone thought of him the same way. And sometimes he still had trouble thinking of Mike and his family as anything but an anomaly, exceptions to the rule.
"I've got you," Gibbs whispered. "I've got you. It's okay."
Tony struggled to get his breathing under control. He relaxed into Gibbs' hold, finding the same sense of safety there he'd found last night after his nightmare. <
"Hope we don't do this sort of emotional roller coaster thing too often." He laughed weakly. "Don't think I can take it."
Gibbs gently forced Tony's head up. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."
"I know." Tony understood. He hadn't made the offer trying to scare the hell out of him. Gibbs didn't need to apologize or explain.
"Thank you."
Tony blinked. "For what?"
"Everything."
Tony blushed. "Shameless romantic."
Gibbs placed a quick kiss on the tip of Tony's nose. "And damn proud of it."
Tony chuckled. "Quite the pair we are."
"Yes, we are."
Gibbs' statement was rife with double meaning, and Tony knew he meant it to be. He nodded, accepting all that was said and unsaid.
"You want to get up and see what Mike left us in the fridge?" It seemed like a good idea to move on to a lighter topic, give them both a little breathing room.
Gibbs leered, blue eyes twinkling, playing along. "Would rather see if his shower has room for two."
Tony fluttered his eyelashes coyly, delighted Gibbs was willing to follow his lead. "I like the way you think, Jethro Gibbs."
"Good." Gibbs patted Tony's bare ass. "Let's go have us a little fun. Get cleaned up and then we'll eat."
Tony laughed. They would probably do it in that order too. There were advantages to having a lover with an attention to detail.
Author's Chapter Notes:
some heavy conversation between Gibbs and Tony about how to handle things when they go back to work