Define Family
Gibbs sighed deeply and lay back the picture. It was of Kelly's fifth birthday, one of the happiest days of Gibbs' life but it was years ago. His girl was dead, his wife was gone, two more had followed and left, too.
He closed the box and put it back into the closet. It was a box he normally never opened, in a closet he didn't even looked at. The box contained things from Kelly. The closet from Kelly, Shannon and his second and third wife.
He shook his head over himself. Never he had understood why he still kept the things from his wives. It just wasn't his style, but he did it.
Somehow now he couldn't remember why exactly he had opened the closet, neither why he had opened the box but now tears were in his eyes and he hated himself to be so weak.
He hated his desperate wish for a family, the one that bastard had taken from him. The one he would never have. He wanted to be a father, a better one than his own father. He wanted to be a husband again. A good husband, a husband he was with his first wife until that one day.
And he wanted love. He wanted to love and to be loved. To feel home when he opens the door.
But he knew that wouldn't happen. Next week he would complete the fifth big O and he knew he would never have a child again.
For a wife, maybe if he was interested in women anymore. Maybe if he could trust them just a bit. But three marriages *had* effects.
Maybe if he could take his thoughts off this one man. This one man he wouldn't get. This one man he loved, really loved. This one Anthony DiNozzo.
Tony was more than just his second in command. More than just his backup. More than just a team mate. And he was that for some years.
The first time he really noticed it was when Tony lay in isolation. He couldn't deny that jealousy was killing him when he heard that Kate was there and he was outside and couldn't do anything.
He wanted to shoot somebody but there was noone, well, yes that woman who sent the letter but she would die soon and a brain tumor was more suffering than a bullet and it had filled Gibbs with grim satisfaction.
But in the last year Tony had made him worry sick. First the plague, then getting into hostage of contract assassins and last but not least, ending up in a cell framed for murder.
Tony was definitely a magnet for trouble. But the day Gibbs finally knew that Tony was the last and first person he loved in such an extent was the day on the roof. He heard the shot. He aimed for the roof the bullet had come from. And then he turned. He saw Kate lying on the floor, dead. And Tony had her blood on his face and all Gibbs could think was that it wasn't Tony's blood. That one time, only one time, it hadn't hit Tony. For once Tony got out of it unharmed.
And Gibbs hated himself to feel released. But what could he do? He griefed for her loss, he had his revenge, her revenge. He couldn't do anymore.
The only thing he wished to change was that Tony still wasn't his. He felt as if God had given him a second chance. Saying: I give you time with him, but only this time.
But to that day Gibbs hadn't changed anything. He knew with Tony he could have the closest thing to a family he would ever get but he just couldn't bring up the courage. It felt as if he wouldn't care for Kate's death and hadn't learned his lesson.
He didn't felt worthy to get what he desires most.
Story Notes:
OK, I confess, I was inspired by other fics, but I just couldn't let this bunny go...
Thanx to eva and jon
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs wants nothing more than a family but how the hell should he get one?
Chapter End Notes:
OK, I confess, I was inspired by other fics, but I just couldn't let this bunny go...
Thanx to eva and jon
Thanx to eva and jon