Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. If I did, would Kate be dead? {bares fangs} With much, much thanks to "Cheaper by the Dozen" and "Everybody Loves Raymond" for much of the inspiration.
Rating: K+, T max.
Spoilers: Um...Seasons 1-2, I suppose.
A/N: I felt I need to write something fun after I killed Kate and Gibbs in "For a Moment."
That said, I'm working on a piece on Gibbs' history - his time at NCIS, his ex-wives, and so on and so forth. Since it's too difficult to attempt to harmonize what was said in Season 3 with what was given us Seasons 1-2, I am simply going with earlier canon, which includes three marriages all ending in divorce.
I am well aware that Ducky introduced Gibbs to #3. I simply believe that, since he had known Gibbs since the mid-1990s, he would know wife #2 also.
Gibbs is a little chattier than usual.
The Wedding
by Alan, Bill, and Charlie Martin
To AUNT KATE, who loved us despite herself,
and
To UNCLE JETHRO, who loved her despite us
"JETHRO!"
"I hate shopping. I'm not going."
"You used to buy your clothes yourself."
"And you have better taste than I do, and you find them cheaper."
"There's no point in them being cheaper if you're not there to try them on!"
"You know my sizes, though!"
"Jethro, you know that our time out is the only time we have alone."
"Kate, you know I hate shopping!"
"And you know I like it when you come with me!"
"So why'd you marry me?" There was a long silence. "Huh?"
Aunt Kate glared. "That's what I'm WONDERING."
Uncle Jethro was a man's man, the sort who put macho men like James Bond to shame. He kept a very common sense haircut (one Aunt Kate always wanted him to change). He had no idea what designer clothes were and bought all his in shades of black, white, and tan - and at Sears - because they'd be durable, inexpensive, and always matched. He drank strong black coffee and rarely spoke, and he could have saved Tokyo just by glaring at Godzilla if he wanted to.
Unlike Pierce Brosnan, he could drive a stick shift car and make it do things even the Bond car couldn't do - all the while with Aunt Kate yelling from the passenger's side that he had homicidal tendencies. He built a seaworthy boat by hand. He had a great football arm, too. He also had all the bad habits many men have, like leaving the toliet seat up.
Our Aunt Kate was the youngest of five Todd children, our mother being the oldest. When Dad died and Mom sent us to live with our grandparents, we were just a year old. Aunt Kate was fifteen and our uncles had all married. She was like a second mother, particularly when Grandfather and Grandmother had to work, and especially after Grandfather died, but she could be more stern than either of them about eating vegetables.
She was also lots of fun, and she taught us to play football her first summer home from college, just like our uncles had taught her. She was the best, and she could stand her ground in a family full of men and still win. It wasn't that surprising to us that she could be an agent and endure all the stuff up with with she put. Uncle Jay, a twinkle in his eye, used to say proudly that we had trained her well. Without us, he'd say, she would have never been able to last in all those man-dominated jobs. Or in her marriage.
Aunt Kate and Grandmother would just roll their eyes.
Uncle Jethro had a terrible track record with women. He was middle-aged and had been married three times to women who cheated on him and then left him, but not before whacking him with some piece of sports equipment. He hated to talk about anything, including his feelings, and until Aunt Kate came along and made him, he never talked really to any of his wives or to his team.
Aunt Kate, though, had been reared with three older brothers and then the three of us, and she had plenty of experience dealing with men like Uncle Jethro and never let him get away with it. Although it took awhile, he came to appreciate it.
It had all really begun the day one of Uncle Jethro's old girlfriends, a redhead named Jenny, decided to try the new Italian place - Giorgio's. DIANE Giorgio's. Formerly Diane Gibbs, or, as we heard Agent DiNozzo refer to her once, "Seven iron #2". (He'd decided that, although Uncle Jethro said his first TWO marriages were all based on appearances, there was no point in naming two wives with the same title.)
#2 had commented on Jen's red hair in a pixie cut (hence Agent DiNozzo's nickname "Pixie Hair"), and they'd struck up a conversation about being true redheads and about NCIS...and it didn't take that long to find out they knew a PARTICULAR agent in common.
And that was when Dr. Mallard had come in with Agent DiNozzo and spotted them, the restaurant owner and the agent, chatting away.
Jen had spotted them first and waved them over before Dr. Mallard could grab Tony and run. Dr. Mallard NEVER runs.... But once caught, he was determined to handle this with dignity. "Hello, Diane. Jennifer."
"Dr. Mallard," Diane greeted politely, as Jen smiled, "Ducky."
"I must admit," he said carefully. "I am a bit surprised to see you two...conversing."
"Oh," Diane said with a cheery smile. "We have a LOT in common."
It was then that Dr. Mallard was struck with a brilliant idea.
Dr. Mallard had mentioned once, when we went to visit Aunt Kate and Uncle Jethro, how grateful he was that Uncle Jethro had finally settled down. For real. Permanently. He loved Uncle Jethro like a son, and he was well aware that Uncle Jethro took unnecessary risks and ate unhealthily and all that. He could lecture Uncle Jethro when he was alive, but he wasn't around all the time. Somebody had to take care of Uncle Jethro. It's why he introduced a beautiful redhead to Uncle Jethro.
Of coure, we all knew how well that one worked out. Baseball Bat #3 (as Tony called her) managed to succeed where Seven-Iron #2 hadn't - #3 connected with Uncle Jethro's head, while #2 just chased him. (We thought about cracking a joke and saying that Uncle Jethro was getting slower by age, but Agent Tony shook his head vigorously at us. Seems he cracked that joke before and got a head whack for it.)
Having failed as a matchmaker, but still determined to get Uncle Jethro married off successfully, Dr. Mallard just worried and worried...until that day he saw Agent Jen Shepard and Seven-Iron #2 at Giorgio's.
Dr. Mallard's mom was the type who watched all sorts of kinds of TV. She never missed "WWF Smackdown!" and, for an old woman, she was unusually in love with "One Tree Hill" on the old Warner Brothers network. (Bill asked at this point whether or not there was really only one tree on the hill, and how did a whole town fit on the hill, but Alan poked him and told him to hush up and not to interrupt Dr. Mallard.)
She also watched all the daytime shows like Jerry Springer and Montel and Maury Povich, and it was on one of those days where Dr. Mallard overhead one of the topics. "Are you still friends with your ex? Do you want them to find true love, but feel there is one thing they have to change?"
Pixie Hair meeting Seven-Iron #2 was like a sign from heaven. Or at least that's how Dr. Mallard interpreted it.
So he rounded up all the women in Uncle Jethro's life to have an impromptu informative session. All the ex-wives, Pixie Hair, and a couple others. He just meant to get a woman's perspective on what was going on with Uncle Jethro. He sure didn't count on the man in question showing up at his house.
"Duck, where were you?" Uncle Jethro replied sharply, standing there on the threshold, glaring at the elderly medical examiner. "Balboa called you to come in to look at a body. Tried your home, tried your cell - you didn't respond to either. We were all starting to get worried."
"Oh Jethro, I am sorry," Ducky said apologetically, then paused a moment. "Dr. Gutterman would do a marvelous job with the body."
Gibbs blinked, looking at him in shock for a brief second. "DUCKY! I expected you to come!"
"Well, Jethro," Ducky replied, seemingly in a big rush to shoo Gibbs away, "this is my day off. And Dr. Gutterman is a fine medical examiner."
"Ducky," Gibbs said suddenly, frowning. "Is something wrong?" He leaned towards his old friend, the tiny whisper of concern. "Is there somebody in the house?" Uncle Jethro, having been a Marine MP for so long and then a NCIS agent, had a particularly suspicious nature.
"No, no, nothing like that," Ducky replied emphatically. "Jethro, I really must go. I'm in the middle of something."
"Something more important than a dead Marine?" Gibbs asked sharply.
"Yes," Ducky replied automatically, and then paused. He suddenly decided that perhaps it would be better if Uncle Jethro just heard all these things for himself. He opened the door more widely. "I'll call Agent Balboa and let him know that Dr. Gutterman will take over, and you can come with me." He ushered the man inside. "Come. It will be good for you."
"What?"
Ducky paused, and then said kindly, "Jethro, please understand that I am very, very concerned for you. I'm not always going to be around to stitch up your head wounds and to make sure you eat healthy foods."
Gibbs looked at him, puzzled.
The ME waved him in, into the living room.
Where his three ex-wives and Jen Shepard sat. Gibbs turned to Ducky in betrayed astonishment. "Ducky?!"
"Jethro," Ducky tried to say consolingly. "It's not unknown that you've had relationship troubles. Elizabeth was a wonderful, sweet girl that I introduced you to! Something obviously happened. But I can't be here forever, and I can't even control what you eat. I'd like to see you successfully married off."
"DUCKY!"
"And when I discovered that your ex-wives had met each other and got along so well, and that Agent Shepard knew them - "
"HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?!"
"Oh, it's all over NCIS by now," Ducky replied.
"I am going to KILL Tony," Gibbs muttered.
"Jethro, it's for your good."
"I need another wife like I need...Ari Haswari!"
"Well, Jethro, we need to discuss this obsession with Ari, indeed, but let's take one problem at a time, shall we?"
"DUCKY!"
"Jethro, don't you want to be a better man?"
"Why don't you just save the time and club me with a piece of sports equipment," Gibbs replied sharply.
"Sense of humor was always dark," Seven-iron #2 grumbled.
The front door opened, and in trooped Abby and Ziva. "Oh hey, Gibbs," Abby bounced cheerily, giving the agent an affectionate peck on the cheek.
Ziva gave him a warm, welcoming smile, then pointed to a plate of ethnic Israeli desserts. "Gibbs, I made those, if you'd like to try them. They aren't overly sweet."
"Abby?! David?!" Gibbs turned to face Ducky. "They have nothing to do with my relationship troubles."
"Oh, I know that," Ducky replied, waving. "But they have worked with you so long, they must have something to contribute." He indicated Jen Shepard. "That's why Jenny is so valuable to us, since she knows you both personally and professionally."
"Failure in both areas," Jen grumbled, then downed a large shot of whiskey. "Fill me up."
Fake-Appearances #1 patted her consolingly and filled her glass.
"Why don't you just get Kate in here and finish me off?" Gibbs exclaimed.
"Unfortunately Caitilin had to rush back to headquarters to finish her paperwork," Ducky replied somberly. "She said she wanted to finish that case report to turn in to you before the end of the day." He gave Uncle Jethro a scolding look. "You know that she was going to visit her mother and her nephews this past weekend, and yet you would not give her an extension on that case report."
"Oh, work hours," #1 called. "He's got to fix this obsession with work hours. It's starting to affect not just him. Poor Kate."
"I'm leaving," Gibbs groaned, turning towards the door.
"Oh, that's a problem," Jen replied. "That's his solution to any relationship problem. Walk away and ignore it."
"You tell him, sister," Baseball Bat #3 replied, slapping a high-five with Jen.
"Or to glare," Officer David replied. "The glaring is a bit...troublesome."
Ducky waved to a chair. "Sit, Jethro. Just sit and listen for a little bit. Now." He waved to the other women. "Who would like to start?"
"Well," Baseball Bat #3 began. "This coffee thing. It drove me insane. Can't touch his coffee. Can't waft his coffee's smell. Can't look at his coffee!" she exclaimed. "Yet he'd just pick up my water and drink it."
"When he goes after my food I just wave my knife at him," Officer David replied, shrugging.
"I ought to get a knife," Baseball Bat #3 replied, nodding.
"Why bother when you have that baseball bat?" Gibbs grumbled.
"My coffee and my food," Seven-Iron #2 complained, ignoring Gibbs. "If I left a plate out, bye bye food! It didn't matter what it was unless it was one of my tofu wraps."
Abby squealed, leaning forward in anticipationg. "Do you get them from Julie's Kitchen?" she asked delightedly.
"Yes!" Seven Iron #2 exclaimed, grinning. "I love Julie's."
"Kate and I go there all the time," Abby grinned. "We love their tofu wraps. And they deliver now. Kate got them to deliver to NCIS."
Gibbs made a face.
"They do?" Seven Iron #2 replied, her eyes brightening, and then her face fell. "I can't do that one...I can't have them delivering to the restaurant." As Abby's face fell, the redhead hugged her shoulders. "That's all right. Thank you so much for letting me know."
"Oh, I've got one," Fake-Appearances #1 complained. "This absolute inability to smile longer than two seconds. This constant grouchy, growling look. It's unbearable."
Gibbs glared.
"See?" she exclaimed. As the others nodded their agreement, #1 continued, "And then when I suggest we go out to a restaurant or to some kind of weekend getaway, he freaks out. After that one really bad case, I suggested we take a trip to England, he has a cow."
"And when he gets like that, he heads straight for the boat," Seven-Iron #2 finished. "No conversation. Just straight to the boat."
"Ladies, ladies," Jen replied, speaking up. "Let's not forget that NCIS agents - Jethro included - has a very trying, difficult job. That boat's his way of relaxing. But, I totally agree on that going out thing. Every time we went out on a dinner date he always looked like he was being so put upon to be charming in a nice restaurant."
Gibbs slumped into his seat, a "kill me now" look on his face.
"He forgot my birthday," Abby grumped. "He forgot my birthday!"
"Oh honey," Based-on-Apperances #1 replied consolingly, hugging her maternally. "Here. Have a cupcake."
"Please, please," Ziva began sitting up. "Let us remember, as Jen said, that we agents have a very difficult job. It's hard to focus when there are killers and molesters and everyone on the loose. I do believe that part of Jethro's intensity is what makes him such a fine investigator."
"Thank you, Ziva."
"But can somebody tell me what is up with those head smacks?" Ziva huffed. "Did he head smack you?" she asked Jen, who nodded. "Me, too. And he threatens to do that to Abby, too. What's up with that?! The only agent he hasn't smacked is Kate, yes?"
Uncle Jethro stood up now, looking at the four redheads sitting on the couch. "You want an apology? I am sorry. I am sorry things did not work out. Happy?"
By the time Uncle Jethro had returned to the office, he was feeling annoyed, and a little down - but no longer mad. Dr. Mallard meant well. As for his ex-es, well - Grandmother never worried that Aunt Kate had married a man who didn't want the same things she did - marriage, family, children. It was a testament to Uncle Jethro's ability to commit that he'd married three times. Commitment wasn't his problem. His inability to read women was.
This was all running through Uncle Jethro's mind as he went back to the office, an hour late. By then, Agent DiNozzo and Agent McGee and Aunt Kate were terribly worried - Dr. Mallard hadn't answered the calls, and then their boss had disappeared for an hour.
"What happened?" Tony asked, coming around the desk, concerned. "Are you all right?"
Gibbs bunched up his jacket and threw it onto the chair, then put his gun into his desk drawer.
His team exchanged looks. "Boss?" Tony asked.
"Ducky's got all my ex-wives at his house talking about how to try to fix my relationship problems."
McGee looked immensely puzzled for a moment, and Tony just laughed. "Ducky always tries so hard. He doesn't know quite when to give up the - " He could see Gibbs' glare. "I'm sure he means well." He quickly returned to his seat.
Uncle Jethro groaned and wiped his hands tiredly over his face. "I've just accepted I'm going to be alone."
"Oh, boss, I'm sure that's not true," McGee stammered. This emotional territory thing was not his forte. "I'm sure there's the right one out there."
"A redhead, too," Tony added.
Gibbs gave them a glare, but without the requisite force, it seemed far more to be masking a small sense of gratitude. Both Agent McGee and Agent DiNozzo took it as a silent thanks from Uncle Jethro.
"Oh, what a load of crap," Aunt Kate declared sarcastically, looking up from her work. It didn't help her mood that finishing her case report meant that she was going to have to come out to see us a day late. "'The right one's out there'," she scoffed, imitating at McGee. "Well, you know what, the right one could be under your nose and you know what, you're not going to find her."
McGee gasped, staring at Aunt Kate in shock. Tony's eyes went wide.
Uncle Jethro stared at her for a moment. "If you wanted time off to go to Ducky's meeting, you should have just asked," he snapped.
"Let me tell you something," Aunt Kate replied, undaunted, getting out of her chair and coming around to face down her then-boss. pointing a finger at Uncle Jethro's nose. "You've created this image of a nice, quiet woman who'll be happy keeping house for you and with whom you don't have to share your life."
"No," Uncle Jethro retorted, having recovered enough from his shock at Aunt Kate's statement to glare.
"Yes," Aunt Kate insisted. "But seriously, Gibbs - " that's what she called him then " - if you want a maid, you're going to have to PAY for a maid."
Uncle Jethro tried glaring at her in a last, desperate attempt to get her to be quiet, but Aunt Kate was entirely undaunted.
"You think that as long as you provide a woman food and a shelter and take care of her and protect her and you two have children then everything will be fine and dandy and you won't have to share your life and your doubts and emotions with her. You're supposed to be the 'macho man' because 'that's how it's supposed to be'," Kate replied.
Tony hid behind his computer, hoping that it would protect him from any bullets that might start flying.
McGee wanted to do the same, except he really loved computers.
"So when your wife wants to TALK to you about something, you shut off and ignore her, and all these women you've married are too nice to say something when you glare and ignore them, and then you're shocked when it all builds up and then they explode."
"One of them hit me on the head," Uncle Jethro retorted, glaring. "And one of the others TRIED."
"I'm not saying what they did was right," Aunt Kate replied, undaunted. "You need a woman with patience, more than they did, but you need a strong woman who tells you exactly how it is. But I'll bet you're that you're afraid of somebody like that. Because you're afraid she might be...RIGHT...and maybe you might be able to DEPEND on her...but that would involve you opening your mouth and talking about your FEELINGS!"
"A-MEN!" shouted Agent Sammie Kibbshipp, who was evasdropping from behind the partition.
Tony and McGee finished buttoning their shirts over their Kevlar vests and put on hard hats and braced for the Gibbs-plosion.
"YOU...you have a problem with women." Aunt Kate straightened, crossing her arms
"I do not have a problem with women. I just haven't found the right one," Uncle Jethro had replied at the time.
It was at that moment, though, that Uncle Jethro considered that maybe - just maybe - he had found the right one. Only she was off-limits. She was on his team, and he was the boss, and Uncle Jethro took that as a sign that he wasn't supposed to get involved with her. At least that's what he told Dr. Mallard.
Of course, when Director Morrow reassigned Aunt Kate to head up a profiling unit, Ducky promptly went to him and said pointedly that this was a heavenly sign that he now had no excuses.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Kate's oldest nephews, triplets, recall the oh-so-smooth path to the Gibbs' wedding.