Just outside Camp Pendleton, present day
Gibbs was at a night club, wearing a leather jacket, talking to a very buff man. "So, you're some kind of sailor, judging the tattoo of the anchor on your triceps," Gibbs said.
"Yeah, I work on a ship," the man said. "What else can you tell about me?"
"I can tell that you want to suck my cock," Gibbs said.
"Damn, you're some kind of mind reader."
"Let's go."
They went to the men's room. A few minutes later, they came out, and Tony, Ziva and Harm were waiting for them. Gibbs had handcuffed the sailor, who had a large amount of semen dripping from his face. "Chief Petty Officer John McCoy, you're under arrest for homosexual conduct. Take a picture, Ziva!" Gibbs ordered. Ziva flashed away.
"You've never splashed that much semen on my face, Boss," Tony complained.
"That's because I prefer to shoot it up your cute butt," Gibbs explained.
"Isn't it a bit hypocritical for a gay man to arrest another for that very kind of action?" asked Harm.
"First of all, I'm not gay," Gibbs snapped. "Second of all, I don't have to explain anything to you, pilot boy."
"I hope the Military Readiness Enhancement Act passes Congress," Harm said.
Opening credits.
Some miles away, in Los Angeles, Bette and Tina reviewed a book of potential sperm donors. "How about this guy?" Bette asked. "He looks very healthy, and it says here that he's a finalist in a national boxing championship. He's never used a sick day in his ten years in the Navy."
"I don't know, Bette, I thought we wanted an artist, someone like a painter or a writer..." Tina said.
"Alright, how about this guy? Says here he's an actor/singer/waiter."
A second of silence. Bette and Tina cracked up laughing.
Back on the East Coast, Director Shephard and Agent Gibbs visited the Military Gadgets Command in Quantico, Virginia. Dr. Johnson led the tour. "And this here, is a wheelchair lift for Humvees. It is twice as light as wheelchair lifts for traditional vehicles, and operates twice as fast!" Johnson said enthusiastically.
"You do realize that most handicapped soldiers are medically discharged?" Gibbs asked.
Unfazed, Johnson went on to show the next invention. "Looks just like a red ball, right? Wrong! It's actually a clown nose slash spy camera!" Johnson put it on and his assistant turned on a TV monitor. "See?"
Director Shephard yawned contemptuously.
Gibbs picked up a tightly sealed jar with a bluish liquid inside. "And what the hell is this?" Gibbs asked.
"Oh, I wouldn't touch that if I were you," Johnson said. "We're working on a gel to enable male pregnancy."
Gibbs put the jar down carefully. "You people worked on the most useless things," Gibbs complained.
Johnson was a little hurt, but pressed on, directing their attention to a dummy wearing a vest.
"It's a bulletproof vest. So?" asked Shephard.
"Correct! But more precisely, it's a prototype for an extremely hot weather bulletproof vest." Johson lifted one of the dummy's arms. "And as you can see, it has side protection, yet weighs half as much as a traditional bullet proof vest. Plus, when the temperature exceeds 120 degrees Fahrenheit, it would release a soft, cooling foam."
"So why the hell don't our soldiers on the field have it?" Gibbs asked.
"There's a kink with the foam release mechanism," Johnson explained.
"That and we were ordered to stop working on it on March 20, 2003," the assistant chimed in. "Kind of a coincidence, isn't it?"
"Shut your liberal pie hole!" Gibbs ordered.
After they left Military Gadgets Command, Gibbs went home, while Shephard went to a press conference in Washington. At home, Gibbs had passionate sex with Tony.
While at the press conference, a reporter told the press secretary that Iran had performed nuclear tests in the desert. To which the press secretary responded: "Iran bought enriched plutonium from Luxembourg. We will swiftly attack Luxembourg and flush out their cache of weapons of mass destruction for the whole world to see!"
The next morning at NCIS Headquarters, Tony showed up very late. And when he did show up, he was constantly going to the bathroom to puke. Tony tried to sneak back to his desk, even knowing it wouldn't work. "What is your major malfunction, Tony?" Gibbs barked.
"I just had some bad tacos yesterday..."
"I'm not buying that. Have Ducky examine you. That's an order." Gibbs said.
"Jethro, you know I mostly deal with, how shall we say, less lively patients?" Ducky said. "A few years ago, when I visited Morocco, I encountered a strange case of psoriasis among the local population--"
"Today, Ducky!"
A few minutes later, Ducky had reached a conclusion. "Tony is pregnant."
"How the hell!?" asked Gibbs.
"I can't explain it," Ducky admitted. "He needs to be looked at by a medical professional more qualified to deal with conditions like these."
"And what kind of doctor would that be?" Abby asked.
"I... don't know..."
"Who is the mother? Or father?" Ziva asked giggling.
"Judging the contemptuous kicking and arrogant know-it-all attitude, I'd guess the father is Jethro," Ducky conjectured.
"Isn't there some kind of medical procedure to stop this, this growth?" Gibbs asked.
Just then Director Shephard walked in. "Do you mean an abortion, Jethro?" she asked. "I thought you didn't like that particular way of killing things," she added with a laugh.
Silence.
"Agent DiNozzo is on maternity leave until further notice. Agent Gibbs and I will go to a meeting to discuss the War on Terror moving to Luxembourg."
To be continued...
Story Notes:
Includes Harm from "JAG" and Bette and Tina from "L-Word."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs arrests a Camp Pendleton sailor, at Quantico visits the Military Gadgets Command.
Chapter End Notes:
Includes Harm from "JAG" and Bette and Tina from "L-Word."