He had been in Hell and he'd tried to evade it by staying in a coma. But he'd had to awaken and now he felt like he was in Purgatory.
He wanted to go to Mexico; Tony wanted him to stay. He felt if he stayed that he would fail the innocent people on the ship that exploded -- just as he had failed his wife and daughter. And if he left, he would fail Tony.
He knew Tony was brash and young, but it covered up a fearful soul, looking for approval, needing his support. But Kelly and Shannon had needed his support too and he had – failed. It all felt like failure, and at the moment the lesser failure was to leave Tony and go to Mexico. Tony was alive; none of the others were. He hoped they were in Heaven, but he was still quite sure that he himself was in Hell and he needed the cleansing of Purgatory.
Mike would understand – he had been there for both sets of deaths, the first being Gibbs' family and now the second, those poor people on the ship. Tony would try to "help" him and he wouldn't be able to stand it. With Mike he could retreat within his soul and mourn and question why he was left on earth when they were all gone and Mike would hand him a beer and a fishing rod and leave him be.
He felt as if he would never be able to forgive what passed for a God for taking his family, and if he couldn't forgive then he was stuck here in Purgatory on Earth while he lived and had no hope of seeing them in Heaven. And to be honest, he couldn't believe that a God that was cruel enough to keep him in this state now was so cruel as to deny him a meeting with his angels.
In his soul he knew that he'd come back eventually. Tony was important to him and if Gibbs never came back that would be another failure on his part. But for now he just needed to be cleansed in the fiery heat of Mexico.
Story Notes:
Written for an NCIS Flashfic challenge.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs' thoughts after "Hiatus."
Chapter End Notes:
Written for an NCIS Flashfic challenge.