It had been cases like the last one. Gibbs would sent them all home. Tony would grap a shower after he ordered pizza or chinese and when he entered his living room again Gibbs was sitting on his couch. It was like that since the first really hard case Tony had with NCIS and somehow he couldn't tell if Gibbs was doing that to reassure him or himself. Anyway, it was like that and it was good.
They wouldn't talk, they would sit in Tony's apartment, eat the pizza he had ordered, because he knew Gibbs would come, and drink a beer. Then another one. After four beers each they'd switch to schnapps. A friend from Germany always sent him Williams Christ and when he moved to Washington he had five closed bottles and one opened. By now his friend sent him one every month and it barely survived that month.
He wasn't sure if Gibbs would show up that night though. It wasn't the usual tough case. Neither of them had been beated, kidnapped or anyhow else in danger. Sometimes Tony wanted to say something when they were downing the schnapps but never anything left his lips. It wasn't a rare occassion that he wanted to ask Gibbs to hold him. To kiss him till he falls asleep. But he never did.
Tony was afraid of doing the next step since he didn't knew if this was Gibbs‘ wierd way to say that it's ok. His excuse for a hug. Or comforting words. Maybe he did the same with Kate when she had trusted Jane Doe. Well, Tony couldn't exactly imagine Kate and Gibbs sitting side by side on Kate's couch getting shit face drunk. But maybe he had another way to reassure Kate. Maybe he fucked her through the mattress... God, it hurt to think that.
After Kate's funeral they had downed their usual four beers each but then they had two bottles. Tony had taken out the bottle he kept for special occassions, and hell, it was one! But still it could be that Gibbs did something like that with McGee. Althought he really couldn't imagine Gibbs sitting next to McGee for long at all. And McGee could go to Abby. Kate had her family she could at least call. But he? He couldn't call his parents, hell, it would make him feel worse, and Gibbs knew that. Gibbs also knew that none of Tony's friends would understand the problems he had at the job. Gibbs understood Tony and maybe that was why he came. Gibbs and Tony hadn't anybody else to turn to. And there were no words. They both were there, they have seen it. Whatever it was they were both in it and what would it change to talk it through?
Tony and Gibbs relationship always was a silent one. When Gibbs hired him he barked „NCIS 8AM!" and that was all. After that it stayed like that. They didn't need words to understand what the other was thinking on on the job and Tony didn't need Gibbs to say „good job" to know that he did exactly that. If he didn't Gibbs would have fired him long ago.
But tonight? Tonight was different. The last two days were probably theworst in his life. Sitting in that cell where he could do nothing but stare at the ceiling was worse than lying in the hospital knowing he had the plague. Then he still had the bittersweet option to die. He just had to let go and stop fighting. But in a cell? It took more to die in prison. You either have to provoke the worst perps in there long enough or you have to end it yourself. And that was more than reasonable giving up.
Tonight it definitely wouldn't be enough to sit next to the man he loved and get drunken. God, the man he loved? That went worse with every second. But tonight Tony needed words. Tony needed to be reassured that he was free, alive and that there still were people who didn't want to see him dead or in prison. Putting up the list made his think and Tony hated to think. Sure, McGee, Ziva and Abby only wanted to help him but listing all people he pissed off without knowing didn't help. Not at all!
He was standing under the warm water for half a hour now and he knew the food would be here any minute so he finally turned the shower off. When he dried himself off he felt just as dirty as when he came home and he knew it would need some time to get the feeling off. He didn't knew how many murderers, raptist and dealers had lay on that mattress he had lay on and he really didn't want to know. He put on some sweat pants not bothering with a shirt. He knew Gibbs wouldn't come tonight. It was hard for him, not for Gibbs.
The doorbell rang and he went to open. Grapping his wallet from his backpack next to the door he payed the guy giving him less tip than usually but still more than most people he took the large pizza. He'd have some for tomorrow, too, since he had ordered enough for two. He walked into the kitchen and grapped a beer. He didn't need Gibbs to get drunk. He sank into a chair and opened the box letting the smell float over him. Pepperony, sausage, extra cheese. Gibbs hadn't had problems remembering his favourite, they had eaten it together often enough.
„What the hell are you doing here?"
Tony jerked up from his chair staring at Gibbs as if he'd grew another head.
„What are you doing here?"
„What I always do here."
Gibbs said toneless and fell into the chair opposite Tony. Tony pulled out another beer from the fridge out of reflex and sat down himself. He had nearly done his beer and three slices of the pizza when he found his mouth working.
„Why are you doing this?"
„Because I don't wanna starve?"
Gibbs offered but Tony gave him a look. He put down the pizza and sighed.
„Four years and you start to question it now?"
„I wouldn't call it questioning...I've got something to tell you."
Gibbs straightened up in his seat listening. Tony sighed and looked at his hands.
„Before...I will resign. I'm sure you donn't want me working for you anymore once I told you."
„I will decide that when I know what you're talking about."
Gibbs said his usual grumpy self. Tony smiled sour.
„Just, don't hit me."
Gibbs raised one eyebrow in slight annoyance.
„This isn't enough anymore. I need more, Gibbs. I...I need words..."
„You want to talk about the shit. I'm not sure I can do that."
„I don't want to talk it through. I...I need more than words...I need you. I need you to be more than just my boss getting drunken next to me. I need you to be my partner. My mate, call it what you want. If you can't do that, I need to go on. But this..."
Tony stopped frozen when Gibbs caught his hand. He entwinded their fingers and Tony saw something in his eyes he had never seen before.
„You need words Tony? I love you. That's why I'm sitting next to you every god damn time. I need to see for myself that you're alive and healthy and that you at least gonna-be-fine. And tonight I need to know that you have not lost yourself in that cell. And I think you need to see that there's someone who wants you. Free and safe. Enough words?"
„More than enough."
Tony said and stood up. He walked to the door and Gibbs followed him. He turned again and looked down. His hand was still in Gibbs‘ and the older man forced him gently to look up with his other hand. Their lips brushed over eachother softly.
„Please tell me you never did something like that with McGee and Kate."
„Never."
Gibbs assured him and kissed him deeply.
Story Notes:
What can I say? Popped into my head and here it is.
JOIN NCIS ROLEPLAY!!!!!
http://nciscrimes.proboards103.com/
garanty: case focused roleplay
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony thinks about something he never questioned before.
Chapter End Notes:
What can I say? Popped into my head and here it is.