Chapter 1
Mon ange.
Why had he accepted that? He didn't know why he had said yes when Ziva had asked him if he wanted to go out with them for dinner. They had never done that before but so many things had changed in the last months…Since Kate's death.
The loss of their co-worker, their friend had affected them. But after six months he was proud to say that they had found a new equilibrium in the team. It had been hard at first with Ziva. He had not been sure he could trust her but he must admit she had found her place. In a way, everything was back to normal.
The only one who didn't seem to be the same was Tony. His best agent had changed. Tony was still doing a good job…But the problem was that he was only doing his job. No more jokes or funny looks over his sun glasses. The only words coming out of his mouth were "On it, Boss!"…"Here is my report" or other work-related expressions. Gibbs was even surprised to see him here tonight.
Tony was only the shadow of the man he used to be and Gibbs must admit he was scared of what he could hide. He didn't know how to talk to Tony and make him tell him what was wrong. He could have asked the question directly but it was not Tony's boss who was worried, it was the friend…Ok, he was feeling more than friendship for his field agent but it was not the subject tonight. He was worried and he knew he had to find soon how to help Tony.
They were all sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Ziva and McGee were listening to one of Ducky's story smiling at the older man and he was looking at Tony on the other side of the table. The younger man was lost in the contemplation of what was inside of his plate. He had not eaten anything and this simple fact was so not like him that it would have been enough to make Gibbs even more suspicious.
-Where are you, Dinozzo?
Tony looked up at him and for a second Gibbs could see so much sadness in those eyes that he was about to stand up and take Tony in his arms. But the mask Tony was used to wearing was soon back and the younger man smiled before answering.
-I was only dreaming, Boss.
-So that's what you're doing when you're pretending to work?
Gibbs realized immediately he had said something wrong because Tony's smile froze. He had never been good at telling jokes and he should have known it was not the best thing to tell Tony.
-There's something wrong with my work, Boss?
Gibbs sighed…Definitely not the best way to make Tony talk. "Try to be nice, Jethro".
-No, Tony. There's nothing wrong with your work. But you don't seem to be yourself lately.
-Sorry, Boss. But I'm not really sure to understand.
-You are different…
Gibbs knew he was not clear but how could he explain to Tony he had spent the last day observing him. How could he tell him he had seen what the others had not even noticed because he knew him better than himself?
-Tony, tell me what's wrong.
-There's nothing wrong, Boss.
-You know you can't lie to me, Tony.
Tony was looking at him and Gibbs could see that the younger man didn't want to talk. If he needed a new proof there was something wrong with him, he had it in front of him. Tony was lying to him and he had never done that before. He was not very talkative when it came to his private life but he had never hidden something important to him before.
-Look, Gibbs. There's nothing wrong with me.
-You know I will find out what you're trying to hide.
There was no more sadness in Tony's eyes now…only anger. The younger man took deep breathe and Gibbs knew he was trying to take back the control of his nerves.
-You know what Gibbs? I don't care. Do what you want… If you have time to loose…
He had talked with a calm voice. He stood up turning to talk to Ziva, McGee and Ducky who had not heard one word of the exchange.
-I'm sorry but I need to go back home. I will see you tomorrow.
-You're sure you don't want a dessert, Tony. I've heard they made a wonderful chocolate cake…
-No thanks, Ziva. It will be for another time. I have to go.
Tony didn't even look back at Gibbs, took his jacket and walked to the door. Gibbs was lost in his thoughts and he had not realized the other three were looking at him.
-What?
The only one who dared saying something was Ducky. The ME had never been afraid of him and had always told him exactly what he thought. That's probably why, after all those years, Ducky was still his best friend. The one he talked to.
-What have you said to him to make him go so fast?
-Nothing…I …
-Jethro, it had taken days to make him accept to come with us. You are aware that Anthony is not doing well lately. We had thought that going out for dinner would be a good idea. And you…
-I didn't do anything wrong, Ducky.
-So tell me why Anthony felt the need to go away from you so fast…
Gibbs remained silent. He had not understood that his friends were also worried about Tony. He had thought he had been the only to notice a change in his behaviour and now he had upset him. How could he be so stupid?
-I'd better go after him and try to talk to him.
-No, Jethro. I think you've done enough for tonight. You'd better take a coffee, go back home and try to think a little about what you have to do now.
-I don't what's wrong with him, Ducky and he won't talk to me.
-I know Jethro. He won't talk to any of us either. But we have to find a way to help…
Ducky looked straight at him before saying the next words…
-We've already lost Caitlin…I won't let Anthony go away from us even if I have to do it alone.
-You think he could…?
Gibbs didn't finish his sentence. He could not say the words he had in mind. Ducky didn't answer but he didn't need to. Gibbs could see his answer written on his friend's face. Ducky's eyes were reflecting his own fears.
Tony had walked straight to his car realizing only minutes later that he had turned in the wrong street. He was so tired he could not think clearly. He didn't know why he had reacted so badly at Gibbs questions. He knew his boss was worried…his friend were worried. Even McGee was trying to be nice with him. But he didn't want to talk to them. They didn't need to know, it was his private life.
He knew feeling angry was stupid but he could not control it. His friends were not responsible for what was happening and there was no need to feel angry because they were trying to know. But Gibbs, asking him tonight what was wrong and telling him he could find out what he was hiding, had been too much for him.
He finally found his car and drove back to his apartment. He knew what he would find here and like every night he could feel his fears coming back to him. Would it be the last night? Would he hear his voice calling him or only the silence? It was becoming harder to come back home every night and wonder what he would find here.
He parked his car in front of his building and opened his door. There was light coming out of his bedroom's window. He smiled at the thought of the time he had spent trying to make those new lamps work correctly. He sighed heavily trying to let his fears go out and walked to the stairs.
Two minutes later he was searching for his keys in front of his door. When he entered his apartment he could hear the soft music coming from his bedroom.
-I'm back home…
His heart began to beat faster when he heard no response. He walked slowly to his bedroom, praying silently. He stopped at the door and smiled.
He was only sleeping…he could see his chest coming up and down with each breath. He walked to the bed and lying at his side, he carefully took the other man in his arms.
-It's you Tony?
Tony smiled as he heard the sleepy voice.
-Who else…? You had other visitors today…?
The other man opened his eyes. Tony had always thought he could get drowned in those eyes…so blue, so bright…But today the only thing he could see in those eyes were tiredness and fear. He would have done anything to give this man more time…to give them more time. But he didn't want to think about it tonight. He wanted to savour this moment. He closed the gap between them and brushed lightly his lips.
-I see you didn't answer my question…
-Matt Damon came a little earlier but I told him I was waiting for the man of my life to come back…
-Matt Damon…?
-Why not?
-You're right…why not…So how was your day?
-I read, wrote a new story…and slept a lot.
-Good. Can I read your story?
-It's not finished yet but you'll be the first to read it and probably the only one.
Tony didn't like the sound of his voice. He had said the last words but so much sadness…but he could not blame him.
-What have you done today, Special Agent Dinozzo?
-The same as every day…Filling papers, being yelled at by my Boss…
-I see but you love that…Did he slap you today?
-No, I gave him no reason to do it today. But I could have done it to him tonight.
-Dinner was not good?
-It was good but I was a little distracted.
-Why that?
-I missed you. I wanted to be here with you more than anything else.
The other man didn't say anything for a long moment and let his head rest on Tony's chest. They both loved those simple moments shared after a long day. They didn't need to talk…everything had already been said. They knew that they were running out of time and they didn't want to waste it.
-I missed you too, my sweet love.
-You can go back to sleep now. I'm here.
-I love you.
-I love you too, mon ange.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony has a secret.