Chapter 6.
Facing your own mortality.
Three days…three days without seeing or having any news from Tony. Ok, he had given him a week off but he would never have guessed it would be so hard to be here at his desk every day without him. You're only aware of what a person really means to you when this person is gone.
Tony was not gone but Gibbs had the feeling that the younger man would never really be his. He had realized Tony had feelings for him and Bran had told him but you can never forget your first love. And Gibbs could not help feeling weird about this situation. He had promised this man to wait for him to die before …before what?
Before being allowed to really be with Tony, to love him and maybe with time being loved by him. But he was not sure Tony would allow anyone to come close to him after Bran's death…especially not his boss.
Gibbs had spent the last days and nights thinking about what he should do. He had taken his phone thousands of time to call Tony but he had made a promise…a promise he could not break. So while Tony and Bran were spending time together, he was at his desk trying to concentrate on his work.
He had not slept much in the last days and keeping his eyes open was more and more difficult. Even his tenth coffee of the day was not helping. The members of his team were beginning to ask questions about Tony, about his bad mood. Even McGee had come to him for answers and Gibbs was aware it had been really hard for the young agent to come to him for news about Tony and the reasons why he was not at work.
-You seem to be tired, Jethro.
Gibbs was so lost in his thoughts that he had not heard Ducky coming in. he looked up at the ME and saw the concerned look he was giving him.
-I'm fine, Ducky.
-That's what I was afraid of…What's wrong, Jethro? Has it something to do with Anthony and the reasons why he asked for a leave?
Gibbs sighed. He knew that Ducky would not let him go until he told him the truth. It had been easier with McGee…
-There's nothing wrong with Tony if that's what you're asking for. He needed time for a private reason and I give him this time.
-I'm happy to hear that, Jethro. So, now, can you answer my other question? What's wrong with you?
-Nothing, Doctor Mallard.
Gibbs knew it would not work but he had to try. He didn't want to talk about what was bothering him. How can you tell to someone, even someone as open minded as Ducky, you're in love with another man. That this man is already engaged with someone who is dying and that you're waiting for this man death… God, he could not say that to Ducky or anyone else.
-You're lying, Jethro.
-Ducky, please. I just don't want to talk about it. For once, can you just let it drop about forget about it?
-You know I can't. You're visibly tired and I guess you've not slept for at least two nights. I'm your friend…and your doctor…
-Oh, I see, Doctor Mallard. You know that if you talk about it to Sheppard she is going to make an investigation and try to find out why Tony asked for a leave and why I agreed with it.
-I don't see what would be wrong with it. She's the director and has the right to know.
Gibbs stood up to face Ducky. He didn't want to threaten his friend but he could not let him talk to Sheppard. She didn't need to know anything about it.
-You can't do that Ducky.
-You know I won't do that Jethro. But there's something wrong with you and I'm worried for you.
Gibbs sat back on his chair and Ducky could see now how tired his friend really was.
-Come with me Jethro. I will drive you home. You need to rest.
-I still have a job to do, Ducky.
-Not for today, my friend…
Gibbs knew it was pointless to argue with Ducky and stood up to follow him.
The two men remained silent until Ducky parked hi sold car in front of Gibbs' house.
-Thanks for the drive, Ducky.
-My pleasure…
Gibbs was not really surprised when Ducky followed him inside his house. He didn't really need company but he knew Ducky would not go away without some answers.
Gibbs sat on his couch and waited for Ducky to join him. The older man sat next to him and gave him a glass of water.
-I think I need something stronger than that, Ducky.
-Maybe but it's too early for that, Jethro.
Gibbs laughed. Ducky had always been here to tell him what to do and how to take care of his health.
-Are you going to tell me what's wrong, Jethro? Or do I have to guess?
-I'm just worried for Tony.
-You've been worried for our young Anthony since the day he joined the team. What has changed? What's different today?
-Me…I've changed, Ducky.
Ducky looked straight at his friend and smiled.
-You've not changed, Jethro. You've only opened your eyes on what you really felt. I don't see what's wrong with it…except if Anthony…
Gibbs could not look at his friend and tried to look away and escaped Ducky's eyes.
-Oh, Jethro…I'm sorry…You told him and he's not feeling the same?
-It's worse than that, Ducky.
Ducky placed a hand on his friend's shoulder.
-Talk to me, Jethro. We've been friends for years. You know you can trust me.
-I know, Ducky. But it's not my secret and there are things I can't tell you. I told Tony how I felt about him. He didn't push me away but there's already someone in his life. Someone he really loves and I won't come between them.
-Anthony has feelings for you, Jethro. Maybe, the only things you have to do is try to convince him. I've never seen you give up so easily.
-You don't understand Ducky.
Gibbs stood up and walked to his kitchen. Ducky was right, it was too early for alcohol but he needed a coffee. Ducky had followed him and was standing at the kitchen door.
-You're right, I don't understand but I know something…You're not fine and it won't change unless you do something about it.
-There's nothing I can do, Ducky. I made a promise and I can't break it.
Ducky could see the truth in Gibbs' eyes. He realized his friend would not tell him anything more. The older man didn't know what Tony had told Gibbs but the promise his friend had made was hard to keep for him. Gibbs was a man of honor and he would do as he had promised but Ducky could only hope it would not cost too much to his friend.
-I won't insist, Jethro. But promise me you're going to sleep.
-I will try Ducky.
-It's all I can ask. You know I'm here if you want to talk.
-Thanks, Ducky.
-Nothing to thank me for, Jethro. I just hope you're going to be as fine as you're claming to be.
Gibbs didn't reply to Ducky's words and didn't look up to see his friend exit the house. He was now alone in his kitchen, drinking his coffee. He had too many things in his mind to think clearly. He stood up and walked down to his basement where his boat was waiting for him. Working on his boat was the only thing that could calm him down and help him think.
He stayed there for hours before feeling tired enough to sleep. He tried to fight a little more but the lack of sleep was making his eyes burn. He didn't want to leave his basement so he decided to lay down here. He had slept so many times here, alone after his wife and daughter's death years ago. He had the same feeling this night. He didn't want to sleep in this cold bed…He didn't want to wake up alone. At least, here, his boat would keep him company.
He's been asleep for a few hours when his phone rang. It took him a moment to realize what this sound was but he was used to being awoken by a phone call in the middle of the night.
-Gibbs.
There was no voice coming from the other side of the phone. Gibbs could only hear sounds and people talking.
-Who is it?
-Gibbs…?
God, it was Tony. Tony was calling him in the middle of the night.
-What happened, Tony? Where are you?
There was only silence for a long moment.
-Tony, please. Talk to me. Where are you?
-At the hospital… The ER…
-I will be here in ten minutes. Don't move from here.
Gibbs hung up his phone and ran outside his house. He only remembered there he had come home with Ducky's car. It took him five minutes to call a taxi and jump inside the yellow car. Tony needed him and he was there waiting for the traffic light to come to green. He almost yelled at the driver when he stopped to let someone cross the street.
Gibbs entered the ER fifteen minutes later searching for Tony. He found the younger man on a chair in an empty hall. The lights were making him look exhausted and Gibbs could see his swollen and red eyes.
-Tony…?
The young man looked up and Gibbs felt his heart break as he saw the sadness in Tony's eyes. It was more than sadness…despair, confusion.
-Thanks, Gibbs for coming. I didn't know who to call…
-It's ok, Tony. I'm happy you called…I mean…I'm not happy you needed to call me but…
Tony smiled sadly.
-I know what you mean, Boss.
Gibbs wanted to take him in his arms, he wanted to reassure him and tell him everything would be ok. He wanted Tony to know he would be at his side and that he would not let him face this alone if only he let him do it.
-How is he?
-I don't know. I've not seen anyone. They told me to wait here hours ago…
-Let me see if I can find a doctor…
Tony nodded weakly. He had already tried to talk to someone but there was only one doctor in the ER tonight and he seemed to be very busy. But if someone could find him and make him talk it was Gibbs.
The older man came back to him only a minute later and placed a hand on his knee.
-Someone will come to talk to you.
-Thanks, Gibbs.
-What happened, Tony?
-I thought he was ok. He kept saying he was feeling fine but I knew something was wrong. He was weaker than usual. Yesterday he began coughing but he didn't want to come to the hospital. He woke me up in the middle of the night telling me he was not feeling fine. He had fever and could not breathe… I should have known…
-It's not your fault, Tony. I'm sure he will be fine. They're going to take care of him here.
-You must be Mr. Dinozzo.
-Yes, it's me.
Tony stood up and shook the hand the man in front of him was offering.
-How is Bran?
The doctor took a deep breath before answering and Tony realized at that precise moment that what he had feared was happening. He didn't really hear the words the doc used but he understood the meaning. He read the truth in his eyes…he had seen this sorry look before. He had even used it himself…"I'm sorry for your loss…"
-Can I see him?
-He is weak but I think it would be good for him to see you.
-Thanks.
Tony was already walking to the door of Bran's room when he heard the doctor talking to him.
-Mr. Dinozzo, I don't know if you talked about it with him but if there's someone else to call…his family maybe…we could do it for you.
-No, there's no one else…Only me…
-One more thing…If you want to bring him back home…
Tony nodded. They had talked about it so many times that he could still hear him…"Don't let me die in one of those beds… They are so uncomfortable".
-I will prepare the papers for you to sign.
-Thanks. When…I mean…How much time to we have?
-No one can tell but I would say days…maybe a week.
Tony felt suddenly weak and if Gibbs had not caught him he would have fallen. He knew the answer of this question even before asking it but hearing those words had made it too real for him.
-Too fast…
Gibbs helped him sitting on the chair and didn't let him go. He needed to be here for the man he loved. He needed him to feel he was not alone.
-I need to see him.
-I think you should take a moment to rest, Tony.
Tony looked at Gibbs as if he didn't know him.
-You think I should rest…You heard what the doc said…You heard him…
-Yes, Tony. But…
-I don't have time…no more time…days…maybe a week…
There was so much pain in Tony's voice.
-I need to be with him…I won't let him alone one more minute.
Gibbs let him go. He knew that's what Tony needed to do. He would have done the same if he had been in his place but it was so hard to see him in pain. He would have done anything to make him feel better…He would even have given them more time together if he had had that power. But no one could do that…
Tony entered the small room where Bran was sleeping. He seemed so small in this bed. He had lost a lot of weight in the last months and there was little of the man he had known in this bed.
He walked to the side of the bed and took Bran's hand kissing it softly. Bran opened his eyes and smiled. For a second, Tony saw his friend, his lover in this smile and for a second he could do as if nothing had happened. But Bran began coughing and the illusion was gone.
-How are you feeling?
-Good…
-You don't know how to lie…
-I'm sorry, Tony.
Tony placed a finger on Bran's lips.
-There's nothing to be sorry about, Mon Ange.
-I thought we had more time…
-Don't talk like that…We're going to have plenty of time…
-You're still lying to yourself, Tony…
Tony didn't want to have this discussion here in a hospital bed. He needed to bring him back home and keep him in his arms…hold him tight and keep him alive…He will give him his strength to fight…
He had not realized he was crying but Bran's shaking hand was on his cheek wiping the tears away.
-Don't cry for me, My Sweet Love.
-I don't…
-Bring me back home, please.
Tony nodded and walked out of the room. The papers were ready and Gibbs had already called for an ambulance to drive them back to Tony's apartment.
An hour later, Bran was sleeping in Tony's bedroom and Gibbs was making coffee waiting for Tony to get out of his shower. He knew he should have let the two men alone but he could not help feeling that Tony needed him here. The younger man exited the bathroom fifteen minutes later, his hair still damp.
-A coffee?
-Yes, thanks.
Gibbs gave him a steaming mug and sat at the kitchen table waiting for Tony to talk.
-Thanks, Gibbs. I mean for being here…
-I told you I wanted to be your friend, Tony…if nothing more. That's what friends do for each other.
-True…but after our talk…I thought…
-Tony, nothing will change my feelings for you but for now you don't need to think about me and what I'm feeling. Just know I will be here for you no matter what happened.
Tony was looking at his coffee trying to find the strength to hold back the tears. He knew he would not be able to face this situation alone but he didn't know how to ask for help especially Gibbs' help.
-You don't need to be strong in front of me, Tony.
-But I need to be strong for him and I don't know if I can do it, Gibbs.
-You will find the strength when the time comes. You will find the strength to let him go.
Gibbs had stood up and was now standing next to Tony, a hand on his shoulder.
-How can I do that, Gibbs? How can I let him go?
-You have no other choice, Tony. The only thing you can do is be here for him and help him.
-I can't do that…I don't want him to die…I won't let him go…
The tears were now running from his eyes. He wiped them away with anger.
-I sound like a child…I'm sorry, Gibbs. But I can't imagine a life without him…
-I know, Tony. Years ago, I thought I had lost what made my life. I've been about to give up.
Tony was amazed by Gibbs' confidence. He knew about his wife and daughter. Ziva was not the only one able to investigate. But he would never have thought Gibbs would tell him about it.
-What made you go on?
-I don't know. I was taking a day after another at first, thinking the next one would be the last. And little by little I began to make plans again and stopped waiting for death.
Tony put his hand on Gibbs' hand. He needed the contact, he needed to feel him.
-I need you, Gibbs. I don't want to be alone when…
Gibbs had been waiting for those words. He knew they had not been easy to say for Tony and he was happy the younger man had realized he needed help.
-I will stay here. Your couch seems comfortable.
-Yes it is…for a man who can sleep in one of those planes…
The two men laughed remembering the first travel they had made with Kate and how sick she had been…It was good to hear Tony laugh even if it only lasted a few minutes.
Gibbs slept on the couch for the next three nights. Bran was getting weaker every day and the dark circles under Tony's eyes were worrying Gibbs. He knew the younger man was not sleeping. Tony was spending his nights holding Bran and listening to his heart beat. Gibbs had tried to make him sleep but Tony refused telling him he was fine.
When Tony went out of his bedroom for dinner this evening, Gibbs realized something had changed.
-It won't be long.
Tony had said those words in a whisper.
-I'm sorry, Tony. I wish I could do something…
-You're not a magician, Gibbs. No one can do anything against it. I wish I could kill the monster who did that to him…But even that would not change anything. The man I love is dying and I can't do anything to help him.
-It's not true, Tony. You're helping him. He's not alone and being here with him is a precious gift you're giving him.
Tony stood up suddenly, throwing his plate on the floor.
-It's not enough, Gibbs. I was not here for him when he needed me and now it's too late…
Gibbs placed his hands on Tony's shoulders and forced him to look at him.
-It's not too late. You have time to say good bye Tony. You still have time to tell him how you love him…
Gibbs didn't add "I've never had that chance" but he didn't need to say the words, Tony had heard them.
-Now, you're going to eat something and then go back in that room. You're going to hold him tight and tell him how much you love him and how lucky you've been to know him…It's maybe your last chance to tell him, Tony.
Tony ate in silence and went back to the dark room where Bran was still asleep. Bran opened his eyes when Tony took him in his arms.
-Tony…?
-Who else…? I'm sorry Matt Damon was not available…
-You're the only one I want.
-Happy to hear that.
Tony sighed deeply trying to find the courage to do what Gibbs had asked him to do. He knew it was probably his last chance…
-Tony…You know I love you, right…?
-Yes…I know…
The words were so hard to say and as always he let Bran talk and listened to him.
-I've always loved you…from the first time I saw you. I didn't know it was love but I know now. I should not have let you go…
-I should not have gone away from you.
-I don't want you to cry, Tony. I've had a great life…a short life…but you gave me what some people spent their life searching for…You gave me love and made me feel like a king. I would never thank you enough for this gift, Tony.
-I should be the one to thank you, Bran. You gave me more than love. You gave me a family when mine left me; you gave me a shoulder to cry on…You saved my life in so many ways.
Tony didn't know if Bran could hear him. He had probably fallen asleep but Tony went on and talked to him almost all night, telling him how much he meant to him.
Hours later Bran woke up coughing and Tony helped him on the pillows.
-Don't let me go, Tony.
-You're better on your back. It's easier to breathe in that position.
-No, I want to stay in your arms.
Tony knew what it meant and decided not to argue with him. He took him in his arms and let Bran's head rest on his chest.
-I've heard what you said, Tony.
-I thought you were sleeping…
-Maybe a little…We were good together…?
-Yes, we are good together.
-Tony, I want you to make me a promise. Promise me you will love again. Promise me to have a happy life. I want to go thinking you're going to be happy…with someone you love.
-I don't want to think about it.
-I know, Tony but…Gibbs is a great man and he loves you…And I know you have feelings for him.
Tony didn't reply anything. They already had this conversation and Bran knew perfectly what he thought about it.
-Just promise me you won't close your heart. You deserve to be happy, Tony.
-You gave me that, Mon Ange. No one will ever replace you. You know that but I promise I won't close my heart.
Tony felt Bran smiled against his chest.
-Thanks, My Sweet Love.
Bran had called him that since the first night they had spent together and every time he heard this nick name, his heart melted. Tony caressed Bran's hair softly. His lover had fallen asleep once again. Tony could hear his labored breath and the next time Bran woke up Tony knew it was the last time.
The man in his arms was fighting to breathe and it was getting harder and harder.
-Don't let me go, Tony.
-I'm here, Mon Ange. I won't go anywhere. Just relax and try to breathe slowly.
Tony knew it was a stupid advice but how can you help someone dying.
-I'm so scared, Tony.
God…What could he answer to that? He kissed Bran's forehead.
-Don't be afraid, Mon Ange. I'm here with you. Can you feel my arms around you? Can you feel how much I love you? You have nothing to be afraid of…My love will protect you…I will always be here with you…
Tony began to sing softly the song Bran's mother used to sing when she was cooking or gardening. He knew Bran loved this song. He didn't know how long he stayed there singing and caressing Bran's hair when he heard a moan coming from Bran.
-Don't be afraid, Mon Ange. Don't be afraid. Nothing will ever keep us apart…
-I love you…My Sweet Love…
Gibbs was at the bedroom door. He had not wanted to spy but he was worried for Tony. He had heard Bran's words and for long minutes after there was only silence…a heavy silence.
He realized what this silence meant when he heard Tony's sobs. Gibbs rested his head on the door letting the tears running down his cheeks.
Inside the room Tony was still holding Bran. For the rest of the night the only sound escaping this room would be Tony's sobs…His Angel was gone.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Last good byes
Chapter End Notes:
Sorry for the delay.It's been a hard part to write.