Chapter 7
"Stop all the clocks…"
Tony had not moved for hours. He had stayed there…on his couch, letting Gibbs take care of everything. It had taken him hours to let Bran go, to let Gibbs carry him away from his bedroom. He had given him something hot to drink but Tony could not have said what it was…
He didn't care…Nothing mattered to him now. The only thing he could think about was his pain, his loss. Bran was dead…The man he loved had left him and he had never felt so lonely, so lost. He had been aware it would happen but he had thought they had more time.
They had made a list of what Bran wanted to do…and it was a long list…A list of things they would never have time to do now. What had he left? A sheet of paper with Bran's writing on it…his favorite pen, the one he used to write with.
Tony smiled thinking about the thousands of time he had told him he should use a computer to write. Bran had answered he needed to feel the paper and see the words appear…
Tony could not hold back the tears but he didn't care about it either. Gibbs was next to him but Tony could not see him…No one could understand…No one could help him. And he didn't want anyone to help him. He only wanted to stay alone and to let his pain overwhelm him…
Gibbs had never felt so helpless. He was here looking at Tony but he could not reach him. He had tried to talk to him; to touch him but Tony had not even looked at him. Gibbs was beginning to worry; he could not let him lost in his thoughts like that. He knew too well where they would lead him.
-Tony, please; talk to me. Don't stay so quiet. It's not good to keep everything inside.
Tony didn't move, looking in front of him at nothing, tears in his eyes. Gibbs didn't know what to do to help him; to reassure him. He approached Tony and took the younger man in his arms. He didn't know if it was really a good idea but it was the only thing he could do to make him realize he was not alone.
At first, Tony didn't react and let Gibbs hold him but a moment later Gibbs felt him tense and try to push him away.
-What are you trying to do?
There was so much anger in his voice that Gibbs released his hold. He had wanted Tony to react and say something. Well…It was something…Not really what he had expected but anger was better than nothing.
-I'm just trying to help you, Tony.
-I see…
-No, I don't think you see…You've stayed there for hours without saying anything. I was worried.
-Nothing to worry about, Boss. I just need to stay alone.
-It won't happen, Tony.
Tony didn't reply. He only stood up and walked to his bedroom door. Gibbs caught his arms keeping him from opening the door.
-He's not here, Tony. You should not go inside.
Tony faced him and for the first time since he met him, Gibbs felt the younger man was about to hit him.
-Don't dare telling me what I should do or not do…
-I made a promise to him, Tony, and I will keep it even if I have to fight against you for that.
Tony took a deep breath and Gibbs thought he had changed his mind. It would have been too easy. The younger man pushed him away so violently that Gibbs almost fell.
-You have no right to tell me what to do, Gibbs.
-I'm still your boss, Agent Dinozzo.
Gibbs realized immediately it was not the thing to say. Tony laughed.
-My boss…Yes you're my boss. But, here, it's my apartment…my life and you have nothing to say about it.
-Tony! Please! Bran would not have wanted to see you like that.
-How do you know that? You only talked to him once…You didn't know him…
-You're right I didn't know him…So tell me about him...tell what kind of man he was…
Tony shook his head. He didn't want to talk; he didn't want to think. He knew what Gibbs was trying to do.
-Tell me who he was…Tell me what you shared with him…
-No…I don't want…I can't…
Gibbs placed a hand on Tony's arms leading him softly back to the couch. His friend was almost unable to walk…tiredness, pain; mixed emotions…Gibbs knew too well what Tony was feeling at that precise moment.
-Tony, I'm your friend and that's the only reason why I'm here…
-I know what you promised to Bran…
Gibbs remained silent for a moment trying to find the best thing to say. He knew Tony would only accept the truth.
-You're right, I've made a promise to Bran but I also made a promise to myself. I want to be here for you…and I would never ask for something you're not willing to give, Tony.
-Thank you so much, Boss…
Truth was probably not the right thing to say finally. No matter what he would say now, Tony was angry at him. In Tony's mind, Bran's death and his love for him were linked and Gibbs was aware it would be very difficult to make him change his mind and open his eyes on what Gibbs' feelings really meant.
-You know what I mean, Tony.
-No I don't know…Tell me, Boss…Does it mean you're going to wait after Bran's funeral to fuck me…?
Gibbs had always known Tony could hurt only with words but it was the first time he used this weapon against him.
-I won't even answer this, Tony. You were talking about what I had no right to make you do…And I agree with you. But, please; don't insult me. My feelings for you are real and strong and I won't let you talk like that.
Tony was giving him a puzzled look. He had expected Gibbs to yell at him and go away but he was surprised to see him so calm. Gibbs' blue eyes were looking straight at him and Tony could only see concern and love in them.
-I'm sorry, Gibbs. I didn't mean to be rude.
-You're hurting, Tony and I can understand your anger. But don't push me away…Just tell me what I can do to help you.
-There's nothing you can do…he's gone…he left me alone…
Tony could not hold back a sob. He hated feeling like that but he had no control on his emotions.
-What can I do, Tony? Please, let me help you.
Tony shook his head…He could not say a word or he would completely break down. He was feeling like his body was about to explode…His heart was beating too fast, his head was pounding.
Gibbs was close to him but he could not come closer. He wanted Tony to ask for his help. The younger man needed to say the words and accept his help willingly.
-Tell me what you want me to do, Tony.
It was really hard for Gibbs to see the man he loved in so much pain but he didn't move and waited for Tony's answer.
-Can you…hold me…please?
Gibbs put his arms around Tony's shoulder and let his friend rest his head on his chest. He didn't know how long they stayed like that but it took long minutes before Tony stopped crying. Gibbs rocked him, whispering reassuring words in his ear. Finally Tony fell asleep in Gibbs' arms.
It was a sunny day…with a bright blue sky. Tony was walking alone on the grass following the coffin. Gibbs was not far but he wanted to do it alone. Ducky was here too. Gibbs had called him and Tony was glad the ME was at his side.
He had been a good boy, listening to Gibbs and Ducky…eating everything they were giving him…he had even accepted one or two sleeping pills. He had done what he had to do to reassure them. He smiled at the thought of how easy it had been…telling them what they wanted to hear…
And today they were here. There was no one else but the three of them but Tony would have preferred being alone…alone to say good bye. But he was sure he would soon be alone. Gibbs could not keep an eye on him 24 hours a day. He was a good actor, he had learnt years ago how to wear masks and today was no different. Gibbs was a great man but he could not understand that he had lost more than his first love…
Tears were back in his eyes at the thought of what Bran had meant to him. He knew he should be glad to have known a man like him but he could only think about the loss, the pain. This man had been his family, his friend, the only one who had always been here for him. He had never let anyone come close to him…except him. He could not let anyone see who he really was, what his life had been like…not even himself.
He had lied to himself so many times; playing roles that he finally had believed them. But Bran had been the only one to know the real Anthony Dinozzo. He knew how many he had cried at night wondering why his own parents hated him. He had been there the day…even now he could not think about what happened that day but Bran had carried him to bed hold him tight for hours.
Tony realized they had stopped in front of a hole. He looked around…green grass, a tree…a nice and calm place. It seemed stupid to say something at that moment. Gibbs and Ducky had not known him and he didn't want to share anything with them for now. But Bran had asked him to say something…
"I'm sure you will find something. You always have something to say…I don't know…maybe you could sing a song…"
Tony remembered the warm smile Bran had given him when he had pretended to be hurt by his words. Tony had already told him what he wanted him to hear so he had chosen someone else's words. He had remembered this movie they had watched years ago and the poem in it. It may sound stupid but every time he had heard those words he had cried.
-Bran wanted me to say something today but I could not find the right words to say what this man was for me and how much I loved him so I will let someone else talk for me…
Tony's hands were shaking when he took the sheet of paper where he had written the poem.
-"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good" *
There was only silence now and it was better this way. No words…just feelings and emotions. Tony would have liked to stay here and just lay down on the grass waiting for death to come. His place was here with Bran, with what was left of his life…of their love…
But of course Gibbs was here and Tony followed him when he took his arm and help him sitting in the car. Tony didn't even realize Gibbs was not driving him to his apartment. When the older man parked the car in front his house, Tony exited the car and walked to the front door behind his friend.
He had no strength to argue or say he would have preferred staying home…alone with a bottle of bourbon and maybe a pill or two…He let Gibbs lead him to his bedroom and didn't resist when he took him in his arms.
Tony fell asleep in Gibbs' bed…in Gibbs' arms but he could not feel anything…not anymore.
* Funeral Blues W.H Auden.
Author's Chapter Notes:
What's left when you've lost your heart?