Chapter 8
Time to say good bye.
Good bye,
It may sound weird to begin a letter with those words…but there are the only ones I can say for now. I know what you're going to do after reading this letter…but forget about it. You won't find me.
I wanted to thank you for what you tried to do but no one would ever replace Bran in my heart. My life doesn't mean anything without him…no reason to go on…I'm sorry Jethro…
I know that's not what you want to hear but I can't lie to you. I don't know what I'm going to do now but staying here is impossible. I've lost more than a friend…more than a lover. Bran was a part of myself…and this part died with him. What's left of me today is not who I want to be.
I have to go…I don't know where…but far from here…from the memories…and from you. Why? Only because I can't admit what I feel for you…I feel like I'm betraying Bran every time I look at you and think about what it would be like to share my life with you. I can't do that…
I hope you will understand and respect my choice. Don't try to find me please. You have to go on with your life. I'm sure you will find someone who will make you happy. You have so much to offer…You're a good man Jethro and you deserve to be happy. But I can't give you what you want…not now…not later…
No one ever loved me…Bran was the only one. The only one I opened my heart to and today he's gone…gone with my hopes, my happiness and everything that gave me a reason to wake up every morning. You can't survive your true love…I'm nothing without him.
Don't be sad for me…I'm not sad…To be honest, I'm not feeling anything anymore…no pain, no regrets. I'm only feeling empty and nothing will change that. I know you will disagree with me on that but I'm not like you. I'm not strong enough to face this life.
I hope you will forgive me. I didn't want to make you suffer like that.
I'm sorry, Jethro.
I love you.
Bye.
Tony.
Gibbs stayed long minutes with Tony's letter in his hands. For the first time in his life he didn't know what to do. He wanted to run and find him but he could not move. He knew what Tony wanted to do and he could not let him do that.
He wanted Tony to him a chance. He wanted him to see there was still hope, something to hold onto. But the younger man didn't even let him a chance to tell him that. He should have found a way to make him stay, to make him trust him.
Gibbs tried to call Tony's cell but no one answered. He drove to his apartment and stopped in front of a closed door. He was feeling angry and helpless. He could have opened that door but he knew Tony was not here.
He sat there on the floor. Tony's last words were still ringing in his ears… "I love you…". He had hoped to hear those words but today he hated them. How Tony could say them and leave him like that?
He wanted to disappear; to go back in time…anything would be better than stay here, unable to move…unable to think. He was paralysed by fear and pain. He read once again Tony's letter…the last link he had with him. Tony had made a choice but what he didn't know was that he had made it for both of them. He had left him telling him he would not be able to face this life.
And now, Gibbs could feel deep inside what it meant. He could feel the loss; the emptiness…Tony had refused his help, his love. The only thing he wanted now was to stay here in front of Tony's door and dream of what their life could have been. He wanted to get lost in this dream for ever because a life without Tony would be too hard to live.
He closed his eyes…he closed his heart…and let his mind bring him back to the man he loved…to the only one he would ever love…
"I love you too, Tony"…
Author's Chapter Notes:
the last part of my last story...