"You still with me, boss?" Tony asked an amused twinkle in his eyes. Gibbs fought the blush which threatened to rise with the ease of long years of practice and just glared up at Tony.
"Of course I am, DiNozzo. Who told you to stop?"
"Just checking boss. We check and double check, remember?" It was that impossibly huge grin on Tony's face that he remembered, what he could not remember was ever having said those words to his agent, even though he was sure he had. He did remember telling Kate, Ziva and McGee.
Actually he remembered a lot about those three and Ducky, Abby, Jenny and even Palmer for crying out loud. Sometimes he even thought there wasn't much more to remember but he would probably never be sure now.
He couldn't remember much about Tony though and just thinking about all the things he had lost – perhaps forever – hurt more than he ever thought possible. He wanted to remember what it had been like, how they had ended up here in Tony's bed in the first place. He knew he had been here before, a lot of times actually, but beyond that there was nothing more but a void of information.
Memory loss; his doctors had said it was most likely be only temporary, but he should be prepared that there would be some things that would never come back. While he had been in Mexico he had desperately fought the fact that he remembered everyone on his team but Tony, and some things had come back with time, but it was all so very shallow and impersonal and not what he had been fighting for.
Gibbs didn't know how Tony could take it, how the younger man could put up with him like this, still love him and allow him into his bed, all the while knowing that he didn't actually remember anything. He felt the attraction, knew instinctively that they'd been more than coworkers and had been for quite some time, but he didn't REALLY know it, didn't remember every step and every detail leadinging up to today, and it was driving him crazy.
Gibbs gasped when Tony's lips threw him off his frustrated thoughts right back into the here and now. The younger man grinned around Gibbs' cock hearing that little sound. This was one thing Gibbs already had relearned about his partner from flashes from their past encounters, Tony's cockiness, how sure of himself and what he was doing he could be at times. Gibbs knew it should annoy him, but it didn't. He loved it.
Just like he loved the restraints he bucked up against now. At first he had shied away from them, looking at Tony like he had just crossed the border to Whacky Whacko land head first, but he had trusted his younger lover, had trusted the worn look the leather cuffs had. They fit perfectly and he knew he had worn them quite a lot in the past. Tony's wrists were slimmer, they would have been buckled tighter for him and the marks on the leather just didn't fit to that.
No, they were his, had been used on him frequently and Gibbs knew why. He didn't remember, not really, even if it always felt like remembering for a while, after relearning something about himself and his life. The cuffs meant freedom, security, a lack of control. He had never allowed anyone to take that amount of control from him, but he instinctively knew that he had allowed that of Tony. He wanted to know when and how that had happened, how much of a fight he had put up and how Tony had finally managed to convince him of what was probably the best thing to ever happen to his sex life - ever. And as if Tony felt the desperation this wish rose in Gibbs, he doubled up his effort without so much as a little warning.
Gibbs groaned, slamming his head back into the sinfully fluffy pillow covered in an equally sinfully expensive high thread count pillowcase that felt like silk on his overheated skin. He swore if Tony could have managed it while having his cock inside his mouth he would have laughed that triumphant little laugh of his, which Gibbs thankfully had remembered and not relearned. A treasure, like every real memory, even if this laugh meant that Tony had gotten the better of him.
~*~
"It's okay, Jethro. Really, you don't need to worry so much." Her words sounded sincere, her voice warm and comforting like it always was when she talked to him. His gaze wandered from his own hands to her face, then to the long, black silk scarf, which he had gotten her for her last birthday. It wasn't such an unusual request. A lot of couples played with restraints and control. Gibbs knew this and most of the time he found the thought more than interesting, but the moment she had suggested it, every last bit of his arousal had vanished into thin air within a second.
Gibbs knew instinctively that it wasn't the thought of giving up control that disturbed him about this whole situation. Sometimes he even graved it. He wanted to be able to give it all up and hold nothing back, but he knew that it took a lot of trust into his partner for him to allow it.
It probably shouldn't have surprised him so much - they were undercover on a mission after all and he would just as soon betray her to maintain his cover as she would him – but surprise him it did when he realized he did trust her only about as far as he could throw her.
"I'm sorry, Jen."
She smiled, probably because she didn't know what he was really apologizing for, but he wasn't going to tell her. Not tonight, probably not ever. His relationships had the tendency to become problems which solved themselves without involving him much in the process. Hadn't been so long ago since wife number two had walked away without so much as a second glance.
~*~
It had taken him a lot of years to find that special someone he could trust enough to do this. But here he was and Tony was still with him and even though he had forgotten all the little things that had to be important to their lives, Tony was still willing to keep him, to love him and that made it even more painful that he couldn't just make himself remember.
A cold slick finger touched his entrance gently and Gibbs opened his eyes, searched for Tony's. He needed something to hold on to, Something other than worn leather cuffs. His fingers gripped the chain, which Tony had wound around the headboard leaving Gibbs just enough leeway to grab it, but not enough to touch Tony.
Tony smiled, his eyes still sparkling and Gibbs really didn't understand how the younger man could be so happy. Yes, he had survived the explosion, and yes he had come back after four months in Mexico. But it was just not possible that Tony still saw the man he had fallen in love with in him. That man was hiding somewhere inside him, refusing to get out and show himself. Gibbs knew very well that everything he did and said in the last few weeks was barely a shadow of what the old Gibbs had been and he was also sure that his team was worried. Jen for sure was. She had said as much.
But Tony smiled, was happy, and had welcomed him back into his life without hardly any effort from Gibbs at all. He knew that it wasn't very fair to the other man, but he could do nothing else but take what he got from his younger lover and be thankful for it. He didn't have to remember to know that it was the fact that Tony did, indeed, give instead of only take from him that allowed Gibbs to love him and trust him enough to do this.
"I'm so sorry, Tony", Gibbs murmured not able to stop the words. He wanted to slap himself on the back of his head for it, but the smile on Tony's lips got even brighter at his words. Although it seemed hardly possible, Tony seemed to understand.
"We are getting through this together, Jethro. I promise you, you are in very good hands. I won't let you walk the way alone." Gibbs laughed, thankful, loving the warm and fuzzy feeling Tony's words created inside of him.
"Not only have I seen your hands, DiNozzo, but I'm also very impressed by them." The smile turned into a wicked grin and Gibbs couldn't help crying out in ecstasy when Tony twisted his finger inside of him sending shockwaves of pleasure through his body as the finger grazed his prostate. Gibbs did remember that Tony never failed to find it in record time.
~*~
He had known it from the beginning; it was one of the rules, which kept him alive. Gibbs had been in her position several times and he really shouldn't feel wounded, but he did. He didn't listen to the police officer that cuffed him, didn't pay any attention to the others either.. He just looked at her, how she stood there watching her partner being arrested by the French police.
She couldn't do anything. He wouldn't have done anything if it had been her. But still he knew that this thing between them was over -- for good.
A sad smile flittered over his lips and he let himself be pushed into the police car.
~*~
Tony pushed into his body with one swift thrust and Gibbs actually howled. It was the most perfect moment; nothing could ever be better or truer, these few seconds of the initial connection between two bodies that were made for each other – not even a memory could beat this. Gibbs filed it away and vowed to himself that he would never forget it again.
He had nothing to hold back when Tony started to move, he had no inhibitions left and Gibbs felt free, like he was flying and it didn't scare him the least bit when he felt warm tears running down his cheeks. Tony leaned down, bending Gibbs to an angle he had thought impossible for him to hold at his age, but it worked. Tony always knew how much Gibbs could take, he remembered that now. He knew perfectly well that he nearly crossed that fine line when he lovingly kissed Gibbs' tears away. This particular move had an intimacy to it that nearly overwhelmed Gibbs and he could do nothing but wrap his legs tightly around Tony's waist, urging him on, while he tried at the same time to not break the contact with Tony's lips, even though Tony sped up, thrusting harder and faster.
Tony seemed to understand what Gibbs was trying to tell him though because he just moved from Gibbs' cheek to his mouth, claiming his lips as he claimed his pliant body, kissing him with all the desperation he had held back for at least the last four weeks. It was Gibbs' turn to reassure and give to Tony, his turn to show the other man that he was indeed back and not going anywhere again anytime soon. He returned the kiss, pouring all the strong feelings inside of him into it.
Tony groaned deep inside his throat and Gibbs whimpered when the younger man sped up even more. There was no way they were going to last much longer, but Gibbs couldn't care less. They had all the time in the world. He would never ever forget again. He would stay with Tony until the other man couldn't put up with him any longer. He really hoped that day would never come though, because he knew he could never get enough of Tony.
His orgasm caught him by surprise even though he had felt himself getting nearer to the edge. He cried out against Tony's lips, the younger man following him close.
~*~
"What do you mean you are getting married?" Jenny stared at him, obviously more than just a little surprised at what she had just learned. He had to admit that wife number three had come as a surprise to him as well, but just like with number one and two it felt too good to pass up the opportunity. Perhaps this one would be the one he could trust? Perhaps she was the one who could put up with him for the rest of their life?
Jenny for sure wasn't the one. Gibbs had known all along and now he was surer of it than ever. She was beautiful, intelligent, witty and most important, not afraid of him, but she just wasn't the one, they didn't click like they should have and that was all Gibbs needed to know to move on.
"Ducky introduced me to her a while ago. You were still in France working undercover. We were never meant to last, Jen, you knew that." But perhaps she hadn't, judging by the hurt look on her face and the longing in her eyes.
"If you say so. – I wish you luck, Jethro. I can't say that I'm happy for you – or at least not yet – but I will be one day if she really is the one to make you happy. You surely haven't been all too happy with me, I know that much now."
Gibbs wanted to say something, make it easier on her. Even though he called himself a bastard he really got nothing out of hurting people more than necessary, but the words were stuck in his throat, he didn't know what to say and whenever he was in that position in the past, he had opted for saying nothing at all.
This wasn't the time to change that.
"That's it then?" she asked and Gibbs nodded.
"That's it. It's really for the better; from now on I'd be only hindering you. I heard about the promotion, you've got your own team now. Congratulations, Jen."
"Thanks, Jethro." Her eyes shone brightly, but she wouldn't cry.
Gibbs smiled and nodded. "Good luck on the next mission."
She didn't answer to that, didn't say a word, when he got up and left, but he felt her gaze following him until the door had closed behind him and he was out of her sight.
He felt good and that was all that mattered.
~*~
"You knew what I was apologizing for?" Gibbs asked into the silence of the bedroom. Tony had released the restrains a while back and snuggled up in the protective circle of Gibbs' arms, dozing comfortably but not really sleeping yet. Tony never went right to sleep after sex; he loved the snuggling part too much.
"For not remembering much about me. You try to hide it, but I think I've spent too much time with you to not see right through it."
Gibbs huffed hugging the younger man closer to him, feeling clingy and needy inside. The restraints were gone and it shouldn't be so easy for him to let his weakness show now, but Tony had torn down all the walls and all the defenses around him so it felt okay to allow himself to feel and to be weak.
"It's okay. I am sure it will come back with time and you didn't push me away that's all that matters to me."
"You shouldn't love me so much, Tony."
Tony looked up trying to catch Gibbs' eyes. There was absolutely no humor left in his eyes, the younger man's face was as serious as it ever got. "And why is that?"
"I don't deserve it. I left you with nothing but my obligations, my badge and my gun and I up and fled to Mexico. I came back and took the team from you like nothing ever happened. I forgot about you and while I have remembered so much about every one so far, I still can't remember you, or most of you that is. You shouldn't be here with me. You should be out with someone worthy of your love and attention."
"You love to torture yourself and that's the end of the story. That stubborn head of yours is just clamping down on those memories, because they are good and for whatever reason this stupid idea of yours that your not worthy of anything good is so damned deeply ingrained inside of you.
Get over it, Gibbs, I love you and if you are too stubborn to remember I am just going to create new memories for the both of us and you will have to live with that because I haven't waited for four fucking months for you to come back, doing all the boring paperwork and declining Jenny's offer to give me my own team so you could bolt on me again, because of some stupid guilt complex. You got that?
You are all I ever wanted, you know that?" The smile was back on Tony's face and he leaned in for a soft kiss.
"I hoped so, but now I know." The amazement, warmth and love Gibbs felt for the man in his arms was overwhelming and nearly too much to bear, but Gibbs clamped down on the choking feeling rising in his throat. Never again would he give that up, no matter what.
"So Jenny really did offer you your own team?" Gibbs asked, trying to guide the conversation to a lighter subject.
Tony laughed. "Yeah, can you imagine that? Me, leading a team for real?"
"You could do it, Tony and you know it."
"Thanks, but I could never do it, the job isn't the same without you."
Gibbs smiled and listened to Tony's ramblings about how he could, however, lead a team of his own to be the most successful NCIS had ever seen by making movie nights a monthly mandatory session, until finally he dropped of.
Perhaps he would dream this night and some of the buried memories would come back. Gibbs felt the hole left by the missing memories, but he and Tony could create a lot of new ones. Gibbs smiled at this last thought and followed Tony into slumber.
Story Notes:
This was originally written for the NCIS ficathon on Livejournal as a pinch hit.
Thanks to my lovely beta Sheila.
I'm not a native speaker. My beta did an awesome job, but if there is anything left, all the weirdness belongs to me ^__~
Author's Chapter Notes:
A lot of memories have come back to Gibbs, but he still can't really remember anything about Tony. Some memories seem to be lost forever.
Chapter End Notes:
This was originally written for the NCIS ficathon on Livejournal as a pinch hit.
Thanks to my lovely beta Sheila.
I'm not a native speaker. My beta did an awesome job, but if there is anything left, all the weirdness belongs to me ^__~
Thanks to my lovely beta Sheila.
I'm not a native speaker. My beta did an awesome job, but if there is anything left, all the weirdness belongs to me ^__~