The next morning, Tony was almost on time after dropping Lizzie off downstairs. "Big day, DiNozzo," Gibbs said by way of greeting. "McGee checked and Jamie Mann is at work today. You ready to go?"
"Yeah, Boss. I just…I need to make a quick stop over at JAG, if that's all right?"
Gibbs shot him a strange look –somewhere between amused and omniscient – and finally nodded. "Yeah, DiNozzo. We can do that."
His business there was finished quickly and they strolled in the doors of the Georgetown Library less than an hour later. The librarian behind the front desk sat up straighter as she caught sight of Tony. "I thought I'd be seeing you again today."
He smiled. "You're a smart woman."
She waved off his compliments with a blush. "Hold on a moment, I'll call Jamie down."
The moments between when the intercom echoed with her call and when the infamous Jamie rounded the corner seemed to last forever, and Tony knew when he saw Jamie's glare that they were finally in the right place. "Jamie Mann?"
She sighed. "I suppose you're Tony?"
He nodded. "Where is she, Jamie? I need to talk to her."
The friend hesitated, clinging to the last of her righteous indignity. Finally, she just shook her head. "She's been staying with me."
--
It wasn't until they rounded the corner of the apartment building that the full weight of what was about to happen hit Tony. The force of it was so substantial that it stripped the last of his normal cockiness. Maybe this was all impossible, maybe he was crazy, but somehow, he didn't think so. When he reached the front door of apartment 4B, Tony found himself just staring at the door, frozen.
Once McGee caught up, he waited for a few moments, before finally venturing, "Uh, Tony? Are you going to knock?"
He honestly didn't know. But Tony couldn't very well say that, because if he tried to explain to McGee the feeling he had in the pit of his stomach right now, all he would get for his trouble would be disbelief. After all, Tony DiNozzo wasn't supposed to be philosophical and worry about the bottom falling out of his world. He was dependably shallow.
He wasn't supposed to look at a door and simply know that his entire life now held two distinct and completely different possibilities.
He wasn't supposed to wonder which possibility was the better choice.
So Tony gathered his bravado and knocked, because when all else failed, there was comfort in the status quo.
It didn't take long for Emily to answer, the door swinging open to reveal her easy grace and warm smile.
A smile that faltered and finally crumbled when she caught sight of Tony standing at her door. "Emily," he ventured quietly.
"Tony," she responded faintly – before bursting into tears.
In a flash Tony was there, wrapping his arms around her and smoothing down her hair. "Hey, shhhh. It's okay. I'm sorry, just…shhh…."
McGee was forgotten as Tony held her, trying the new and not entirely comfortable role of supportive guy. After a few minutes, he remembered that McGee was watching the whole thing and it felt…wrong.
He had needed NCIS to get this far. The rest, he needed to do on his own.
"McGee, would you mind waiting out here?"
McGee shook his head and even helpfully reached in to shut the door, leaving them alone.
--
Inside, Emily eventually calmed down, sipping at a cup of water that Tony brought her and looking slightly embarrassed. "I'm sorry about that. I just…."
Tony shook his head. "No, I get it." Considering his own wildly changeable emotional state the last few days, he could hardly begrudge her a few tears.
Her smile was shy and awkward, a world apart from the girl whose laughter and bed he had shared for ten days all those months ago. "Is she okay?" Emily finally asked.
"She's fine," Tony reassured her – although he had to tamp down a flash of resentment to do it. Pointing out that worrying about her now was a bit too late would hardly help this situation. Instead, he focused on one thing he really wanted to know and tried to be as neutral as possible. "Can I ask you something, first?"
When she nodded, Tony asked, "What's her name?"
She seemed surprised by this. "You haven't named her yet?"
"Well, I've been calling her Elizabeth." He had sort of gotten attached to it, and the idea of switching to something else now sat heavily in his stomach.
"Then that's her name," Emily said. "It's pretty."
"You never…?"
She shrugged. "I tried. She just…I couldn't…I don't know. Naming her meant she was real – permanent. I don't think I could've handled that."
It sounded cold, but after the last few days, Tony could understand. Or at least, part of him could. The Tony DiNozzo of five days ago could. "She's beautiful."
"I always thought so, too! But they say the mother is prejudiced in that respect. Of course, if that's true, it's the one motherly feeling I managed to muster in three months."
Tony sat next to her, needing to know how it all happened. "Tell me."
She sighed. "I just…I found out about a month after we went our separate ways. I thought about getting an abortion, but it seemed so…I don't know. And then I thought about calling you, but I didn't want to be that woman, you know? Besides, I wasn't sure you'd answer."
"For you I probably would have," Tony admitted. "I liked you."
Emily smiled again. "Good to know." She sipped her water one more time, and then continued her story. "So I figured I could try. I never…I mean, my family is sort of nonexistent, and maybe it would be nice to have a built-in one. And I really did try. But from the start, I just…knew."
She paused, searching for words to explain herself. "All I've ever really wanted was to be a doctor. And she was…in the way of that. And I was supposed to love her enough, supposed to think the sacrifice was worth it. But no matter how much time passed, I didn't. It's not postpartum depression and it's not emotional stress – it's just me. I love her, but I don't think I love her enough." Her laugh was a little bitter. "After I dropped her off at your house, I wasn't exactly sad, you know. Worried, maybe, and a little guilt ridden. But mainly, I was relieved. What kind of person does that make me?"
Tony looked at her for a moment and finally reached over, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. As he was hardly in a position to make moral judgments, he answered the best he could, pushing aside the anger and the paralyzing fear that had kept him in their grasp the past few days and trying to concentrate on understanding because it was the only thing that might get him through this relatively unscathed. "Maybe someone who's supposed be a doctor right now and not a mother."
They sat in silence, the very real knowledge that this was probably the most important conversation of their lives hanging over them. "So," Emily said finally. "What do we do now?"
--
For McGee, the next hour seemed to be one of the longest in his life. What began as a stoic vigil outside a closed apartment door became a long wait propped up against the hallway wall, staring at the faux wood grain of the apartment door until the swirls and knots were burned into his memory.
When the door finally opened, it took him by surprise. He jumped up as quickly as he could, considering that his left leg had long ago gone numb. As McGee watched, Tony exchanged a few last words and a long hug with the young woman before the door closed and they were left alone.
Tony stood with his hands in his pants pockets for a little while, seemingly deep in thought. Finally, he seemed to notice McGee standing there and gestured. "C'mon McGee, let's go."
McGee followed obediently, unable to resist the desire to know more. "So, that was Lizzie's mother?"
"Yeah."
"And…do we have to go back to the office and get her? What about all her stuff? The crib and the extra diapers and all the clothes Abby bought?" McGee was no expert, but he had really thought the onesie with the goth fairy on it was cute.
Tony laughed, and for the first time in nearly a week, he sounded a bit like the old Tony. "No, McGee. We've got everything we need."
As they got into the car where Ziva and Gibbs had been patiently waiting, Tony handed him an official-looking form. After a quick glance, McGee couldn't miss the bold, official letters on top: Dissolution of Parental Rights.
Closer examination revealed that they had been signed by one Emily Johnson.
--
Taptaptap.
Taptaptap.
TaptapTAP.
Ziva finally seemed to give up on trying to finish the report in front of her and blew out an exasperated breath. "Tony, I swear, if you don't stop that infernal noise, I will break something large and heavy over your head."
Snapping out his reverie, Tony looked down at his pencil — the one that he had been unconsciously and incessantly tapping against the surface of his desk – and put it down obediently. "Oh. Sorry."
Naturally, his somewhat lackluster response raised eyebrows. "Something on your mind, Tony?"
"No, I just…." Tony trailed off, before gathering himself and standing from his chair, striding confidently over to Gibbs' desk. Unfortunately, that was as far as his confidence stretched, and he stood wavering over the surface for several long moments, feeling the weight of all eyes on him.
"Something I can help you with, DiNozzo?" Gibbs finally asked.
Tony hesitated a moment, then swallowed. "Yes, Boss. I would like to, uh…formally submit my request for…paternity leave."
The silence that had fallen over the room now seemed to get even deeper, and Tony glanced at Ziva and McGee uncertainly. "Not that everyone hasn't been great. You have. I wouldn't have made it this far without all the help. But…well, if it's just going to be me and Lizzie from now on, then I need time. Time to figure out how the hell this is going to work, to get to know her better, for her to know me without all of this getting in the way. I just can't…."
Gibbs finally raised his hand, halting the flood of words coming from Tony's mouth. "Easy, Tony. All you had to do was ask."
At this, Tony blinked. "Really?"
"Really," Gibbs affirmed.
Tony, who had honestly been expecting a different reaction, couldn't help but feel a bit out of sorts. "Oh. All right then."
"Why don't you start with two weeks, then report in, see how you're doing?" Gibbs suggested.
"Uh…that sounds good. Great. It sounds great."
"Okay, then," Gibbs agreed, going back to his paperwork. When Tony still didn't move, Gibbs didn't even bother looking up. "Was there something else?"
"No!" Tony exclaimed, stepping back and gathering his things together. "No, I'm good."
"Good," Gibbs agreed.
Everyone remained frozen for a few moments, waiting for…something. Surprisingly, it was Gibbs who ended the suspense. "Hey, Tony?"
"Yeah, Boss?"
Gibbs put down his pencil and looked straight at his senior agent. "You sure you're ready for this?"
In response, Tony actually found himself laughing. "No. No, in fact I'm pretty sure that this is a disaster waiting to happen. I can't help but think that I'm going to screw this poor kid up so much that she'll never forgive me, even if I try desperately to do everything right. But...she's my daughter. Mine."
Four days ago, that had been a concept Tony simply wasn't able to grasp. Over the last few days, it had somehow come to mean everything.
Gibbs studied him for a long moment, and finally rose from his seat with a coffee cup grasped in his hand as a pretense for the disturbance. On his way to refill it, he clasped Tony's shoulder with one hand, the warmth of his palm seeping through Tony's shirt as Gibbs squeezed just a little in reassurance. "Welcome to fatherhood. You'll be fine."
Coming from Gibbs, the statement was a shining endorsement and having it immediately filled Tony with a distinct sense of relief. "Yeah?"
Gibbs nodded, already on his way out the door. "Just fine."
Author's Chapter Notes:
The End!