A midwinter's night
it's cold outside
I'm waiting for the dark
To settle down over the park
I don't understand why I'm starting to poet. It's a little weird, I mean… it's not like me. I'm not the sentimental type. At least my colleagues have that opinion of me. I saw it in their eyes yesterday morning when I tried to be Gibbs.
I didn't really try. It was just… welcome to act like Gibbs. Not that I liked it. I like my boss, of course, but it's not that I want to copy him. But I understood what it's like to lead a team. It's hard to do and say the right things when you're under pressure and are not allowed to make any mistakes.
Mistakes would be the worst thing to do under this condition.
Mistakes would be never forgiven.
And with ‘never' I really mean ‘never'.
I don't expect you to understand this. It's something you learn in Gibbs' team. But therefore you have to join his team and maybe this won't be possible anymore, ‘cause it's my team now. My team…
You want to know why? Ah, isn't this obvious?
He's gone. After the explosion, which took fifteen years of his life, he quit NCIS and went to Mexico. If I understood it right he'll be living with his old mentor Mike Franks. I never met the man but I think he's pretty much like Gibbs. Hard shell soft core. At least I expect that. Like I said, I never met the man.
And what am I supposed to do about that?
Yeah, right. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I'm kicking some sort of stone out of my way. Or at least I expect it to be a stone. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just another brick of my hardcore wall.
Oh, that sounds weird. Did I actually mention I'm walking through the park around twelve in the middle of the night? If not, than… now you know. Another weird fact in this weird situation with my weird thoughts about things surrounding me like it's normal.
Nothing's normal. Abby would say that, wouldn't she? And it's true, isn't it?
Yeah, it's true, of course. But that doesn't change a thing.
I feel like my heart was ripped out without any effort to be a bit gentle. Mentally seen I'm empty. Physically I would doubt that. But it hurts much more. Mentally, I mean.
To explain that:
Gibbs was some kind of halt. He helped me through bad situations. Anytime I needed him. When I was depressed, being kidnapped, kissed by a transsexual, chained to a murderer, infected with Y-pestis… I don't want to conclude the long list.
I think, what I want to say is, that Gibbs really is a friend.
Not only a friend, more than that.
You think about, what I mean?
No definitely not a father or something. He's family, of course, but in another kind of way. He is… was my lover.
Past. That's exactly what I was going to tell. He isn't my lover anymore since he left to Mexico. He isn't my lover anymore since he gave me his badge and weapon. He isn't my lover anymore since he didn't remember me.
Hell, he isn't my lover anymore since the explosion that caught the most important thing in my life.
His love…
I'm starting being sentimental again. Okay, once again, my colleagues don't expect me to be sentimental, they can't imagine that. They really can't.
But I am.
They just don't recognize how similar Gibbs and I are… were. Hiding behind a mask – he behind grief and work, I behind a mask of laughter and childish humor.
That's the DiNozzo they know. They know an always cheerful man acting like a teenager. But that's not what I really am. I'm caring. Not always, but almost ever. They just can't see it, ‘cause I built a wall to safe myself from being caught by any emotions I might not stand.
It's something I should have done different. Abby, Ducky, McGee, Ziva… even Jimmy… they are my friends. But how should they have figured out how caring I really am, when I don't show it in front of them? They trust me with their hearts and souls. Why don't I?
Good question, I think.
It's justified in my past. There was no-one and nothing I trusted. It didn't seem possible since no-one gave me a reason to trust him in my childhood. I was a loner. No friends, no caring parents, no interaction with other people except the workers in the house. How could I find someone understanding me?
There was no-one.
And I thought there wouldn't be one even when I'm a grown-up.
But there is… was…
But once again I have to say, he is gone. And I'm afraid he'll never return…
Story Notes:
I'm from Germany, so please forgive me, if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes!
I hope ou enjoy reading the story.
Feedback welcome.
This story isn't based on Death Cab For Cutie's "Someday You Will Be Loved" but the song inspired me and I think the song title is well-fitting for my fic.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony walks through the park around midnight after the events of Hiatus and thinks about Gibbs and some other important people in his life.
Chapter End Notes:
I'm from Germany, so please forgive me, if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes!
I hope ou enjoy reading the story.
Feedback welcome.
This story isn't based on Death Cab For Cutie's "Someday You Will Be Loved" but the song inspired me and I think the song title is well-fitting for my fic.
I hope ou enjoy reading the story.
Feedback welcome.
This story isn't based on Death Cab For Cutie's "Someday You Will Be Loved" but the song inspired me and I think the song title is well-fitting for my fic.