I sit down on a park bench and stare at the ceiling of stars and a very bright moon. I think about movies, I have seen. Movies, in which people look into space and their lovers do the same at the same time. I wish Gibbs would watch the stars and the moon right now. But I don't think it'll happen. He is much more caring than he shows, just like me, but I think, he's on his way to his plane to Mexico right now.
Why did he have to leave?
Why did he have to leave NCIS?
Why did he have to leave me…?
I feel a tear rolling down my cheek until it drops heavy on my coat. My coat? No! It's just the sweatshirt I wore today. I left my coat in the bullpen. That's silly, I know.
Another tear. And I'm thinking about my father. Why he hell do I think of my father right now? He's the last person I want to think right now. He threw me out when I was sixteen.
A few years ago, when I was kidnapped, I thought about his words. The whole ‘You'll end up in the gutter'-thing, I mean. I thought he was right, but now… I'm not quite sure about this. I'm a team leader now. I have to lead the best team NCIS ever had.
I don't know, if I'm ready to do this. To make it through this now. Gibbs isn't here anymore I mean. I already miss him and he's just gone for about four hours. Isn't that weird?
I guess it is…
But it makes sense for me. I need him supporting me with my work and back me up in any situation. I need him to find and help me when I'm in trouble… again.
He has to be there when I need him.
He has to be there when I'm down.
He has to…!
How often did I think about killing myself?
I guess, really often.
I stopped counting it years ago. But not only thinking about it counts. I tried once. But someone helped me. No, not Gibbs, hell, he would have fired me for something stupid like this.
It was long before I knew Gibbs. I was just about twenty-one then. And the one saving my life and helping me pull through all these bad things I had to live with was – you might not believe me – a doctor.
Doctor Sean Marple. Was and still is my best friend, but I haven't got the time to see him often. An now he is on honeymoon with his wife. He finally made it to find someone he trusted and wanted to share everything with. If he would be here now I would call him, drink a bear in a bar and talk with him about what's bothering me.
He knows about Gibbs and me.
He has to; he is my best friend, isn't he?
It's getting cold outside. I think I spent too much time sitting here and waiting for nothing. Maybe I should just go back to the headquarters and wait for my co-workers… for my team to arrive. It's going to be hard to face them after Gibbs left. They all will be very upset about that and they won't accept it me being the new boss.
They already showed me that.
I don't understand why they blame me for that.
I know they do.
‘You're not Gibbs, Tony', Abby had said.
Oh yeah, I'm not Gibbs.
As if I didn't even know that.
But what's wrong with drinking Starbucks coffee?
What's wrong with being upset with the situation?
What's wrong with not laughing?
Okay, laughing is part of my charm. I know they think that. They never realized it's just a mask to hide my caring self. I didn't want them to see it. I didn't want anyone see it. Not even Gibbs, but he made me show it to him.
But I'm sure he had seen it earlier. You can't hide from a Leroy Jethro Gibbs, can you? No, you definitely can't. But I liked it, being myself. At least in front of Gibbs, when I was alone with him.
And I tell you, we often were alone.
But it won't happen again, does it? Okay, it will, maybe. If I'm going to stop him and make him remember me and the love we shared for so long.
What am I telling you here?
It's too personal to tell it everyone.
What I was going to say… I really want Gibbs to come back. I need him like I need oxygen to breathe. And no-one can live without oxygen, right?
Gibbs will come back, won't he?
Gibbs won't leave me.
I can feel that.
I need him to come back.
And he will come back.
For me.
He will come back!
Author's Chapter Notes:
See chapter one.
Chapter End Notes:
The second part of the story. And there will be more, but it'll take time.
Now read or I'll forget myself! xD
Now read or I'll forget myself! xD