By the time I wake up I'm soaked in sweat. First I think I again dreamt about Shannon and Kelly. I really miss them. It's like I spent yesterday with them and today they aren't here anymore. Although I know they are dead for fifteen years now.
Fifteen years.
That's a long time.
And a tiny little explosion – maybe that's the understatement of the century – washed away all the memories of this period of time. One and a half decade.
But I didn't dream of my dead wife and daughter. I dreamt of Tony. I remembered some things which definitely help me figure out who he was. I remembered a conversation between Tony and me in my basement. He told me some really bad things about his father and his childhood.
I am shocked now and I definitely was when we had this conversation. I don't understand, what his father did, when Tony was a little boy, who just had this dream about joining the police and escaping a high society he couldn't stand with his sense for normality.
I don't know if I had the strength to disagree with the ideas my father has for me and accept being cut off of my family. It must've been really hard for Tony from thereon.
And maybe it wasn't any different, when I left him a few days ago…
I don't know, maybe it was a big mistake to move to Mike. It was a bad idea and the biggest fault I ever made. I know this by now, although I'm not even arrived in Mexico.
And I can feel a slight piece of guilt deep inside me. A guilt opposite Tony. He isn't responsible for all of the shit I have gone through and I treated him like he is. I'm really sorry about this but how should I tell him?
Tony seems to be so strong around other people. He holds the team together, he jokes around to lighten the mood, he infects everyone with his optimism. And only a few seem to recognize it. He is the sunlight on a gray rainy day in October, but no-one thanks him for this.
Not even me.
I am gone.
Miles away from him – the one I obviously love.
The one I love and need to pull through.
The one who loves and needs me to hold on.
The one who needs me to live…
It's so very strange to know that much about someone you forgot because of amnesia after an explosion so senseless in everyone's eyes. I don't know where this feeling comes from but I can feel him deep inside. I can feel what he feels right now.
Emptiness.
Loneliness.
Senselessness.
I can almost see him sitting somewhere and crying his soul out.
I can almost hear him cry, echoing from the walls in his apartment.
I can almost feel him trembling from the sobs escaping him.
I can feel him missing me and wanting me to come back.
And then there is nothing.
I think what I felt a few moments ago was just what I wished him to do. Or something I remember him doing once when he didn't feel good.
For example after he was missing.
After he was chained to a killer he liked although he knew this man being one of the bad people.
After he caught the plague and almost died because one stupid girl didn't want to tell her mother the truth.
After Kate died, shot by the terrorist Ari Haswari.
After Ziva throw a party inviting everyone except him and hurting him with this action.
After he had been in charge when I was with the fifteen year old boy who wore a bomb and Tony was more than afraid of losing me.
And now he lost me.
Once again I'm stunned where all these knowledge comes from. Only a few hours ago I tried so hard to remember the last fifteen years and now all floats through my brain…
Author's Chapter Notes:
Gibbs remembers some things about Tony.
Chapter End Notes:
The fourth chapter for this story. Read and enjoy.
Let me know, if you like it or not. Thx
Let me know, if you like it or not. Thx