I thought it was love…
It took me years to realize what it really was. I've known him since we were kids…
With him I learnt what a friend could be; I found a refuge, a family, a shoulder to cry on… I gave him my heart, my soul … a part of myself.
My childhood had not been a pleasure cruise but he was always at my side; sharing the good and the bad days. I could not imagine my life without him. He was the only one I trusted enough to open my heart to…The only one I let come close because I thought he would never do anything that could hurt me.
But he did worse than that…He left me telling me it was my fault…that I didn't love him enough. He had met his true love. The words were hard to hear but I was stupid enough to think that if that was what he really wanted I had no right to keep him away from it. I let him go trying to mend the broken pieces of my heart.
I wanted him to be happy and I thought we could stay friends…at least. So the night he came to my apartment I let him in. When he kissed me I kissed him back. When he led me to the bedroom I didn't resist…Maybe I wanted it as much as him. But he was not the man I had loved…not anymore.
He took what he needed and left. He came back a few times after that. He never asked anything, never let me the choice. I could have said no but I needed him. I became his toy but every night I was waiting for him…Pathetic…I know.
He was a part of my life I could not forget and in a way I forgot about myself when he was with me…I was only a part of him; always trying to please him… I could not loose him even if it meant loosing myself.
Little by little I was becoming someone else…someone I didn't recognize. I knew I had to do something to protect myself from this man. The man who had been my best friend, my first lover, was destroying me. He was using me to satisfy his needs and I realized that that was what he had always done.
One night, I waited for him and for the first time in months I said no. I asked him to leave and never come back. He smiled at me, stood up and left. It had not been so difficult. I was relieved and sad at the same time.
But two days later he was waiting for me on my couch when I came back from work. I should have asked him to give me back his keys.
This time he didn't take no as an answer. I thought he had already destroyed everything between us but I was wrong.
I tried to fight him; I tried to talk to him but he could not hear me. He didn't hear me cry…He didn't hear me plea…
I didn't think it could be possible to feel less than human but that's exactly how he made me feel this night. He denied me the right to decide what I wanted to do or not do with my body. He denied me the right to refuse something I didn't want.
The physical injuries were nothing. I had learnt to hide bruises and scares years ago. But I could not hide the shame, the guilt. I had let him destroy what we had once shared and me at the same time.
I discovered that night who he really was and that I had never been more for him than a piece of meat. He never loved me. I was only his property; something you use and throw when you don't need it anymore.
When he left I stayed in my bed for hours. I was not sure to be able to face my co workers. As if what happened was written on my face. I was feeling empty…a broken soul in a painful body.
I didn't go to work this day and the next one. I left this town two weeks later for a new job.
I tried to rebuild my identity and days after days I began to forget. I am today able to sleep without waking up screaming … at least I was two days ago.
I think my life changed the day I met my new boss; the day I met Leroy Jethro Gibbs. It happened almost two years ago.
He is probably the only person I trust. I know he would never lie to me. I only see him at work but I spend almost all my time there. I don't have time for anything else and it's probably better this way… No time to think.
So here I am, today… Monday… at my desk… waiting for the sun to rise. I've slept here the last two nights. It was easy to find a believable excuse to explain why I needed to sleep on the floor behind my desk. Gibbs believed me…at least I think. Kate doesn't really care.
The truth is I'm scared… scared to go back to my apartment. I never thought a phone call could do that to me but when I heard his voice saying my name I froze. Two years and this voice could still bring back vivid memories; memories I tried so hard to forget.
He didn't say much…He didn't need to. He knew perfectly well what it would do to me to hear his voice… "I found you"… I know I won't be able to hide for long. I can't sleep in NCIS office for the rest of my life. I can't ask for help…I've never done that before. I won't begin now. Even if I wanted to ask for help…who would help me…Gibbs? I would never explain him what happened.
A phone call…A new case…A young woman buried alive. I can't imagine how she must have felt…Maybe a little… I feel like I'm suffocating. She found a way to escape even if she almost killed us in the process.
Now we are in front of a German firm's building. Kate is injured but alive… I know it's time for me to go home. Maybe I could stay at the office for one more night…
Gibbs is here; in front of me. I could get lost in those blue eyes. He doesn't know it but he gave me back hope when I thought I had lost everything.
He never did anything that could make me think he could be interested in being more than my boss but I feel safe when I look into his eyes. He always seems to know what needs to be done. And tonight, when I look at him I realize he knows… He knows exactly what I'm thinking; what I'm searching for and it doesn't seem to bother him.
He knows I'm only waiting for him to say something. But he won't make the first move and I won't ask. We stayed like that for a moment then I turned my back and began to walk away.
"My door is unlocked".
I can't help smiling even if there's no joy in that smile.
"I know".
I should have said so much more but how to explain him that I can't accept his offer. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to lie to myself. There's only one way to put an end to this situation and it's high time I faced it.
I'm sorry Gibbs. If I had been stronger I would have asked for help; I would have told you about my nightmares; I would have come to your house, shared a coffee and maybe told you how much you mean to me… But I'm not strong enough to do that.
You gave me hope and show me that I could still have feelings. But now I have to face my fears and no one can do that for me.
I walked slowly to my car trying to ignore the coldness. It's not only the weather… I'm cold inside.
I pretended for the last two years that I could live and forget… but I was wrong.
I thought I had the right to live and maybe one day to be able to love again…but I was wrong.
I thought it was love…but I was wrong.
Story Notes:
Happy New Year from France to NCIS' fans
Author's Chapter Notes:
An old "friend" comes back in Tony's life