I know it is love…
I had hoped to see him waiting for me at my door but he was not here. I could have let him go tonight without saying anything but I saw so much sadness in his eyes…sadness and something else I recognized easily…fear. What could afraid Tony? I wish I had the courage to ask him. I wish I had told him to come with me.
I could not do that. I will never be able to tell him about my feelings for him. I will never tell me how much I care, how much he means to me. But I’m his friend, his boss and I should have found a way to help him even if Anthony Dinozzo would never have accepted my help.
It was hard not to smile at every stupid joke he could say in a day but I’m his boss. And a boss can’t be too close to his team mates. A boss can’t fall in love with his best field agent.
But that’s what happened. I don’t know exactly when it changed. I don’t know when respect and friendship turned into love but little by little I surprised myself looking at him differently.
At first, I denied it. Telling myself it was only because I liked working with him. He is a good agent. To be honest he is the best agent I worked with. But now I know it’s more than that.
I fell in love with him and there is no way to change that. I don’t even want to try to change that.
I love him but he will never know. The last thing I want is for him to go away because I scared him. I will keep my feelings for myself and try to be here when he needs a friend. Tonight was not a good start. He needed me and I let him go. I should probably try to call him and see if everything is ok. But what could I tell him. I’m not supposed to do that.
I can’t help feeling anxious when my phone rings; especially when I see Tony’s number on the screen. I know something wrong happened. I left him only two hours ago and something bad happened. I took a deep breath before answering that call.
-Gibbs.
-Boss…?
-Of course, Dinozzo. You dialled my number.
-I…I was not sure.
Tony was almost unable to control his voice and I had to calm down before saying anything. There was no need to make him feel I’m worried.
-Tony. Where are you? What happened?
-I’m home…I …
-Tony. What’s wrong?
-Blood…I think I…
Now I scared to death. Tony is not the kind of man to be scared so easily. I need to go now. I need to see him. I need to be sure he is ok. But I can’t let him like that. It will take me at least 10 minutes to go there. I take my jacket and my keys still holding the phone.
-Tony. Are you injured?
-I… don’t know…I don’t think so
-Good. Is there someone with you?
-He…He is …
I’ve never heard so much fear in his voice… And this damn car that doesn’t want to start.
-Tony. Please listen to me. Are you safe where you are?
-Yes…I think…
-Good. Don’t move. I’m on my way. I will be here in 5 minutes.
-Please, Boss. Don’t leave me alone.
-I’m here Tony. Can you tell me what happened?
They say it’s dangerous to drive while you’re using your phone. Now I know why. Tony would say it’s dangerous when I drive no matter what I’m doing at the same time.
-Tony. Please, tell me what happened.
-I don’t remember. I … don’t know…
-It’s ok, Tony. We’ll figure this out. I will be here soon.
I parked the car in the middle of the street. I don’t have time to find a better place. Tony has not answered anything. I’m scared about what I’m going to find up there. I’m in front of his door and my hand shakes when I put in on the handle. The door is closed.
-Tony. Can you hear me?
No sound inside but I know he is here.
-Tony. Can you open this door?
I have to go inside now and this door won’t stop me. My shoulder will be painful for a few days but I don’t really care. The only important thing right now is to go inside and help Tony.
The first thing I saw is that there had been a fight here. Then I saw him. A man was on the floor, blood on his shirt. It was not Tony. Visibly the man had been shot in the chest twice. No pulse. He’s dead.
-Tony, it’s Gibbs. Where are you?
No answer. Tony had told me on the phone that he was safe where he was. He must be in another room of his apartment far away from this man.
I entered the bedroom. There was no light inside but I could see him, sat on the floor beside his bed.
-Tony…?
I turn on the light. Tony’s hands were covered with blood…not his blood. He still had the gun in his hands.
-Tony. It’s me; you can put this gun down now.
-No…he can come back. I won’t let him hurt me…
-He won’t come back Tony. I saw him. He’s dead.
Tony looked up at me and it was hard for me not to take him in my arms. I don’t know what this man had done to him but I was glad he was dead in the living room or I would have probably killed him myself.
-You’re sure he’s dead?
-I’m sure, Tony.
Tony let the gun fall on the floor but I had not expected what followed. I had never seen him cry but when the first sob came in his throat he didn’t resist and fall on the floor crying. I knelt beside him and took him in my arms.
-Everything will be ok, Tony. No one will hurt you now.
It was not the good time to ask Tony questions about what happened but I knew there was no way to avoid it. There was a dead man in Tony’s apartment and we had to call the cops. It would be better if Tony told me what happened before the cops could interview him.
I waited for him to calm down before asking my first question. I wanted to know what happened but I had to take care of him first. I tried to make him lay down on the bed but he resisted.
-What’s wrong, Tony?
-Not here. Please Gibbs…not here.
-It’s ok, Tony. But you need to lie down and you’d better not go to living room.
-There’s another bedroom.
I helped him walk to the next room. I had an idea about what happened there and I didn’t like it. Tony seemed to be in shock and it was not only because he had just killed a man. This man had done something to him… something Tony would probably not tell me.
-I have to call the cops, Tony. But before that I would like you to tell me what happened.
-I don’t remember a lot.
Tony could not look at me while talking. He was lying and he knew perfectly I was aware of it.
-Tony I need to know what happened if you want me to help you. The cops are going to ask questions and it would not be a good idea not to answer.
-I know that, Gibbs.
-So tell me what you remember.
-Ok. I came back home. I opened the door and…
Tony was trying to control his breathing but I could see it was hard for him. I had to reassure him. It was probably not what a boss or a federal agent would have done. But tonight Tony needed me to be a friend. I placed a hand on his shoulder.
-Take your time, Tony.
Tears were back in Tony’s eyes. It was so painful to see him like that.
-Tony. I know it’s hard for you. I’m going to ask you some questions. Who is that man?
Tony took a deep breath and looked up at me. I realized at that moment how much he trusted me. He was about to face his fears only because I asked him to.
-He is…was an old friend. I had not seen him for years. He was waiting at my door when I came back…
-And you let him in?
-No…yes…
-Tony. I need to know…
-I didn’t want him to come inside but he asked me and…
There was more behind that than what he was telling me, much more…
-What happened after that?
-We talked about what he had done in the last years…about my job.
-Tony. You shot him twice in the chest. And I guess it was not because you talked about job…
-No. you’re right, Boss. I left my last job because of him, because of what he did. And don’t ask anything about it. I thought I would be safe here but he found me.
Things were becoming clearer but Tony’s words could not explain what he had done. I could see in his eyes that he had no other choice.
-What’s his name?
-Why do you need to know that? ...Sorry…stupid question. His name was Yann Ashton.
-Was he more than a friend for you?
Tony was almost relieved when he heard my question. He didn’t even need to answer.
-Has he tried to…? I mean…
-I know what you mean… I tried to talk to him but he didn’t hear me… I could not let him do that again…
-Again? That’s why you left Baltimore?
-Yes.
-Had you reported him?
-No. I didn’t want to think or talk about it so I tried to forget.
-It didn’t really work.
Tony was looking at his hands.
-There’s nothing you should feel ashamed about, Tony.
-You’re reading my mind, Boss? What’s going to happen now?
-You’re going to answer many questions, probably talk with the cops for hours.
-I’m sorry, Boss.
I didn’t want to hear him apologize when I should have been the one to say those words. I sat on the edge of the bed, taking his hands in mine. I knew it could mean the end of our friendship but I could not let him think he was alone.
-You have nothing to be sorry about, Tony. I won’t let you face this alone.
-Thanks, Boss.
-It’s not your boss who is saying those words, Tony. It’s your friend.
Tony looked up at me, his hands still in mine. I had wished for days to have him look at me this way.
-Only a friend…?
I could not answer. I’ve never been good with words. There are times when words are not good enough.
-I will be anything you want, Tony.
When his lips touched mine I realized we were already much more than friends. It felt so good and natural to have him in my arms. I wanted to make forget about what happened only hours ago. I wanted him to know I would stay at his side no matter what happened.
Here…in this bedroom…in Tony’s arms…I was feeling at the right place. I will help him go over this nightmare and everything will be ok.
Because, now I know…I know it is love.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony needs help.
Chapter End Notes:
I hope to write more about this story soon