Chapter 3. Open heart…(Tony’s P.O.V)
I stayed with the cops for hours. I told them everything…even things I thought I didn’t remember. I told them about what happened years ago. I told them about my fear, about the way he had forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. I told them about what I had done thinking he would stop if I gave him what he wanted.
But this time he had gone too far and I had realized that if I didn’t do something he would kill me. I kept a gun home. The only I had to do was to reach it and after my nightmare would be over. At least that was what I thought. He is dead now but I’m still living this nightmare every time I close my eyes…every time I hear his name.
He will never hurt me because I killed him before he can kill me. The cops had found a knife when they searched the body. Obviously, he had not come to my apartment only to talk and have a good time. Gibbs is still here, waiting for me outside this room.
I don’t know what to think about what happened before the cops arrived. He kissed me…my boss kissed me. I can still feel the warmth of his lips on mine. It was so good that I almost forgot that it could not be true. Love doesn’t exist. I will never let anyone make me believe otherwise.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell him…probably nothing. I will let him say what he has to say and see…He told me he would not leave me face this alone and I don’t feel like saying no to him right now.
He is here when I get out of this room, standing up and walking to me. He put a hand on my arm. He doesn’t need to say anything. I can read in his eyes what he would like to say. I follow him outside. I’m feeling so tired I could sleep in this car even if it’s Gibbs driving.
-How are you feeling?
-I killed a man I’ve known for years. I’ve spent hours talking about things I would have preferred forget. Let me search for the right word…I think I’m feeling great…just great.
-Ok. I think I deserved that. It was a stupid question. But I’m worried Tony.
-I know, Boss. I’m sorry. I’m tired. But I will feel better after a long, hot shower and a good night sleep.
Sleeping seems a good idea but I can’t help shivering at the thought I will have to go back to my apartment. I can’t go back there.
-Can you drive me to a hotel? I don’t think I can go back home.
-I know the perfect hotel for you.
-Good.
I closed my eyes for a moment. The only thing I want for now is to be alone and let the pain go away. I don’t know what could help…a shower…a glass of Bourbon…a dozen of sleeping pills, or the three at the same time. I only opened my eyes when Gibbs stops the car. At first I don’t recognize the place but then I realize he drove me to his house.
-Boss, I could have stayed at a hotel. You don’t need to do that.
He placed his right hand on my cheek. I can’t look in his eyes. Please Gibbs! Don’t do that. I don’t want to feel that. I won’t let you get to my heart.
-Please, Boss. I can’t stay here.
-I won’t leave you alone, Tony. You’re going to stay here tonight.
-Ok, if that’s what you want.
He must have heard the fear in my voice because he let his hand fall on the seat. I tried to control my voice. I didn’t want him to think I was afraid…But I’m scared. I can’t control it.
-You have nothing to be afraid of, Tony. You can do what you want. I can drive you to a hotel if you want to be alone. But I think it would be better for you to stay here for the night. It’s already late and you need rest.
I could not answer. What was I supposed to say to him? He kissed me and I loved that. But now I’m scared he would ask more from me.
-Ok…whatever you want, Tony.
-No…!
The word got out of my mouth before I even realized it. Gibbs had started the car. He was going to leave me alone and I didn’t want it.
-What? Tell me what you want to do, Tony.
I looked at him. How could I tell him what I wanted when I didn’t know that myself?
-Tony…?
I knew I must look stupid. I could not say a word and tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. I felt like a little boy who suddenly realizes he has no other choice than to jump from the wall knowing it’s going to be painful.
-What do you want to do?
There was no anger in his voice but I could feel I had disappointed him. Of course, I disappointed him. I had been able to handle this situation. I had let Yann attack me…I had let him…I was feeling so ashamed.
-I want …I want…
I wanted to disappear, to end the pain…But I could not tell that to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He would not understand and he would probably never forgive me for giving up like that.
-It’s ok, Tony. Let’s go inside. You’re going to take a shower and after if you still want to go somewhere else I will find you a nice place where to sleep.
It was so easy to let him take the control of the situation. I followed him inside, trying to convince myself that was what I wanted. But I only followed him because it was easier than fighting him and trying to explain him how I felt.
I’ve always been like that…Letting the others show me the way. Giving them what they wanted because I needed them to accept me. It had been like that with Yann from the beginning. I needed him to love me so I gave him everything he asked for…even things he never asked for.
Would I do the same with Gibbs? Probably… you can’t change who you really are in only one night. I will do what I have to do to gain his respect. But I’ve always been a coward…that’s probably why I chose this job. To prove myself I could do something useful.
Gibbs showed me the bathroom, gave me towel. He was talking but I could not understand what he was talking about. His words were coming to my mind from far away. I only realized he had left the room when I heard him close the door.
What was I supposed to do now? I could not think clearly. I knew I had asked for a shower but now I had no strength to take it. I sat on the floor. I only wanted to stay here and let the world turn without me. I let my head fall on my knees as if I could hide. Maybe if I tried really hard I could make myself forget what happened and go back to my life.
I don’t know how long I stayed like that before Gibbs comes in. Of course, I should have turned on the water.
-What are you doing, Tony?
-I’m not sure…
-I thought you wanted to take a shower. Do you need help?
Gibbs was coming closer to me. I should not have felt scared but I could not control that feeling. I didn’t want him to do that. He was not supposed to be nice with me…I didn’t want him to be nice. He kissed me and I let him do it.
-What’s wrong, Tony?
-Nothing, Boss. I’m sorry.
I tried to kiss him but he pushed me away. I didn’t understand why he did that.
-What are you doing, Tony?
-Sorry…I thought that was what you wanted me to do…sorry.
Gibbs walked away. He turned to look at me before getting out of the bathroom. I was surprised to see so much sadness in his eyes.
-Do you really think I would do anything if that’s not what you want, Tony? What kind of man do you think I am?
-The kind of man who always gets what he wants…
-You have much to learn about me, Tony. I’ve made mistakes in the past and I will probably do some more in the future. But there’s something I’m sure about…I won’t do anything that could hurt you.
I had heard those words before and I had trusted the man who had said them. I wanted to believe Gibbs but it was difficult to forget…
-I mean it, Tony. I hope you will see it one day. I will wait…
-I don’t think I can do that, Gibbs.
He got out of the room, leaving me alone. I had hurt him…He only wanted to help me and the only I could do was to hurt him. But I had to protect myself from him…from the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm me every time I looked at him.
I turned on the water and got rid of my clothes. There was still blood on my shirt…my best friend’s blood. I suddenly realized I had killed him. I should have felt guilty but the only thing I could think about was that he would not be able to hurt me ever again.
When I exit the bathroom, half an hour later, Gibbs was on his couch reading a newspaper. I sat beside him and waited for him to say something.
-Are you feeling better?
-Yes…thanks.
-You don’t sound so sure. You should go to bed and try to get some rest.
-You’re right, Boss.
I was about to stand up when he caught my hand.
-I love you Tony. I know that’s not what you need to hear but it’s the truth. And nothing will change my feelings for you.
I didn’t know what to answer. I would never have expected Gibbs to say such words and I thought I was not ready to hear and believe them. But my heart missed a beat when he let my hand go.
I thought I wanted to forget about feelings and love. But I could not refuse what Gibbs was offering me. I could not tell him no when being with him was what I desired deep inside.
-I will never force you into doing something you don’t really want, Tony. I understand it’s not the best time for me to say that but I don’t want to hide what I feel for you.
-Can you promise me something, Boss?
-Tell me what you want me to promise and I will tell you if it’s possible.
Gibbs was not a man who smiles a lot but when I looked at him I was warmed by a true and loving smile…I knew what I was about to ask was stupid and that he would probably laugh at me… I realized I was crying when Gibbs weep away a tear on my cheek.
-Please, Tony. Tell me what you want me to promise.
-Promise me you won’t leave me…even if I ask you to…even if I try to push you away…Promise me you won’t hurt me…Promise me…
I could not go on… my heart was beating too fast…tears were running down my cheeks. Gibbs took me in his arms and I let my head rest on his chest. I was feeling safe in his arms.
-I promise you, Tony. I love you and I won’t let you go. I’m right here with you…
I closed my eyes and Gibbs’ words warm up my heart. He was still talking but I could not hear what he was saying.
But it was not important. No matter what he was saying…I knew it was the truth….He had promised and Gibbs was not someone to make promises lightly.
Gibbs’ hand was on my hair and it felt so natural to be here…in his arms.
The words were out of my mouth before I realized it. It was not my mind that had said those words but my heart…
-I love you Jethro.
Author's Chapter Notes:
it's always a question of trust