Disclaimer: Of course I don't own them, although that would be great!
Author's note: I am from Luxembourg, so English isn't my first language, and I haven't seen past ‘Boxed In'. All my knowledge about the end of season 3 and season 4 comes from fan discussion and spoilers. Also, Gibbs will appear out of character in this one, so you could call it AU.
This story is related to my story ‘The difference between', but only Abby knows about Tony's past, so I guess this one comes first.
Gut Feeling
It was already late in the evening when after a long exhausting day; Tony had finally finished his paperwork and could go home. Only he and Gibbs were left in the office, Ziva and McGee had left a short while ago.
Now or never Jethro, just ask him like Ducky said, even if everyone thinks you don't care, Gibbs thought. He was a little concerned about Tony's recent visits to the hospital. He could ask, Tony would answer him. He was Gibbs after all.
"DiNozzo, wait a second!" Gibbs shouted before Tony could reach the elevator. Tony sighed and turned around, more than a little annoyed. He was tired and hungry and so not in the mood for a conversation with Gibbs.
Gibbs of course saw the look on Tony's face and immediately knew that this conversation wouldn't go as planned.
"I just need to know if you're ill or something" Gibbs said a little gruffly, "since you've been to the hospital rather often lately. I can't use you when you're not a hundred percent".
"I'm fine Gibbs, just a cold" Tony replied, not very convincingly.
Gibbs sighed; he knew Tony would never admit a weakness, due to his old bastard self. Maybe he should take Ducky's advice and show that he really cared and open up a little.
"You know you can trust me Tony, just say what's wrong!"
As expected, Tony looked rather surprised by this statement, but there was something else in his expression.
"You know Gibbs, since we're all touchy-feely now, I'm not sure I can trust you anymore. You've changed. You're not the Gibbs I used to know."
Stunned, and suddenly angry about what DiNozzo said Gibbs couldn't but yell: "You have no idea what it was like to feel like I lost my whole family again. How could you even know what that would be like? You never have a girlfriend longer than a week. All you're doing is whoring around!" But as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. Gibbs didn't really remember much about Tony, but he knew that he was a good man and a good agent he could trust. But before you say something else, Tony smiled sarcastically at him and said:
"Yeah, you're right; I should probably marry the next best woman I meet. You seem to be the expert in that genre, right" and left for the stairs without waiting for a reply.
That night neither Gibbs nor Tony got to get some sleep, but for very different reasons. Gibbs was so angry, mostly with himself. Tony was right, he wasn't the same anymore, but that didn't mean he couldn't be trusted. He tried to be a little nicer; since everybody always told him he was a bastard. There was nothing wrong with that. But there was something else. Since the day he came back to NCIS, Gibbs had lost his famous gut feeling. Or better formulated, he didn't trust it anymore. Maybe DiNozzo was right, he couldn't be trusted anymore.
No, that's stupid, DiNozzo is an idiot, Gibbs thought to himself, what does that kid know, nothing.
Satisfied with his resolution, Gibbs drank the last bit of his coffee and left for work, with a weird feeling in his stomach.
In the office, only McGee was at his desk, Ziva and Tony hadn't arrived yet. Since it was still early, Gibbs didn't say anything, but left to get another coffee.
At the same time, Director Shepard arrived in her office and immediately noticed the cell phone lying on her desk. She had forgotten it yesterday. Getting an uncomfortable feeling, Jenny hoped she hadn't missed an important message. The display said one new voicemail, so she dialled the number and listened to Tony's voice: ‘Hi Jenny, just needed your advice. My girlfriend called and said we needed to talk, she sounded rather nervous! I hope she doesn't want to end it, I think I would need some support if that happened.'
Oh no, something happened, I hope they didn't blow his cover, Jenny thought. Tony had called her to tell her he needed backup, and she had left her phone in the office. If something happened to Tony…, Jenny didn't dare finish that thought. She needed to check and talk to Tony. She dialled Tony's other cell phone number, but it switched immediately to voicemail. Becoming more anxious, she decided to go downstairs and see if Tony had already arrived.
In the bullpen, only McGee was at his desk, and Ziva just came out of the elevator.
"Where is DiNozzo, is he here yet?" the director asked.
"No, he hasn't arrived yet, but it is still early, he's only five minutes late" McGee answered.
"Would you call him please, I need to talk to him" she said, with growing concern. McGee nodded, although not understanding what was going on. He tried both Tony's home and mobile phone, but both immediately went to the answering machine. Not wanting to show her worry about Tony's whereabouts, and needing to keep their mission secret, Jenny only told them to inform her once DiNozzo arrived and went back to her office.
During the next hour, Gibbs became more and more bad tempered, but also concerned that Tony hadn't arrived yet. His other team mates started to worry as well, after even the director seemed concerned about something. But Gibbs had that bad feeling again in his stomach that something was seriously wrong, but he didn't say anything. He thought Tony might just be pissed because of what he had said the night before, and he was willing to let him be mad for the day. Of course he would get a reprimand once he decided to come back to work. He just hoped that DiNozzo hadn't decided to quit after that.
As the day past on, they tried several more times to reach DiNozzo, McGee even passed by his apartment only to find him not home. At five, when they were all ready to go home, everybody was sure something was wrong as Agent Fornell from the FBI came to NCIS for a meeting with the director. The silence among Gibbs team was filled with worries, while they waited to find out what the FBI wanted from Jenny. Somehow, Gibbs didn't think anymore that Tony was just mad about their argument, and the feeling in his stomach only grew.
Meanwhile in the directors office, Fornell informed her that Tony had tried to contact the FBI as well last night. The case was primarily a FBI case, but Fornell had demanded NCIS help, because DiNozzo appeared to be the only qualified agent for this mission. He had the experience with undercover work, and he was able to survive in dangerous situations. Only due to a mistake by a secretary, the call Tony had made to inform them that he needed backup, had arrived too late, and now they didn't know where DiNozzo was.
Deciding it was time to inform Gibbs' team about the situation, Fornell and Shepard came down to the bullpen. Just as they wanted to explain to the waiting agent, McGee's phone rang.
"McGee…" he answered, but before he could say anything more, the man on the other end started:
"McGee shut up! It's me Tony, trace this phone call and then get your asses here ASAP! … and bring Ducky with you!"
McGee immediately did what he was told, although he had no idea what was going on. "Ok, I have you, we will be there in 30" and immediately Tony had hung up again.
Everyone looked at him expectantly, and before he had even finished, Fornell was already on the phone ordering his men to Tony's position, and Gibbs had already grabbed his gunned and was on the way to the elevator. Although he still didn't know what the matter was, now he knew that the feeling in his stomach had been right, and that Tony needed their help.
On the way to Tony, Jen tried to calm Jethro down, but the fact that she herself was as worried as he was didn't help. She hadn't protected Tony like she should have had, and now he was probably injured and had to take care of those terrorists himself.
It didn't take long for them to arrive, the house Tony's signal came from lay a little outside of town, so that nobody could hear what was going on inside. It was already dark outside, and there was no light on in the house. Cautiously, both the NCIS and FBI agents approached the main entrance with their guns drawn. Fornell was just about to announce their presence, when suddenly Tony appeared at the door, weapon in hand, looking more then a little tired and injured.
Immediately the FBI agents followed Fornell inside and took control of the house. But before either Gibbs or Shepard could say a word to DiNozzo, he waved for Ducky to follow him inside. Totally bewildered, the rest of the team just followed inside, enlightening the way with their lamps.
On their way to the cellar, they passed several bodies, for which Tony didn't even spare a look. All he was concerned about was one body. In a corner of the cellar lay the body of a young woman. She had several bloody wounds on her torso and seemed to be already dead for a few hours. Tony kneeled beside her and asked Ducky to take care of her, the FBI would take care of the other people.
As this was a FBI mission, Fornell ordered everyone non-FBI out of the house, but allowed Ducky to take the woman with him, as long as he got the autopsy report. He also demanded a report from Tony about what a mess had happened there as soon as possible. Since everyone in the team was just totally confused and concerned about Tony, since he really didn't look so good, nobody even objected to Fornell ordering them around. Tony drove back with Ducky and Palmer in their truck, and the rest took their sedan.
Back at HQ, Tony helped Ducky to bring the body to the morgue and just wanted to leave real quickly again. But as always, Ducky had already seen that Tony was injured and wanted to take a look at his wounds. But Tony was just too tired and only wanted to get out of there, so he said like usually, that everything was fine. He had a report to write, and certainly lots of questions to answer, although he hoped Jenny would answer most of them.
However, instead of going to his desk, he chose to first visit Abby, to prove her that he was alright, but also to maybe get a hug from her, he really needed one. When he came to the lab, he didn't hear any music, and it was completely dark inside. I hope she hasn't already gone home, he thought. He wanted to see her. Cautiously he called her name, and before he even realized it, he had Abby in his arms, crying hard. She had been so worried about him all day, and then everyone had left in such a hurry without telling her anything. Since Ducky had gone with them, she had thought that something really bad had happened. Instinctively, she embraced Tony even harder and never wanting to let him go again. But she realized that she seemed to be hurting Tony, so she let go of him again. Wet eyes looked questioningly into Tony's face, but somehow he was unable to speak. He was just so glad to be safe again, but he couldn't tell her what had happened, not yet. Although he usually told her everything, it was already to hard to even think about the events of the last day, or even write a report about it. He would need more time before he could tell her. So instead he just gave her a kiss on the forehead and told her to go home and get some sleep. He was fine and she didn't have to worry about him. She knew as well as Tony that this was a lie, but she let him off the hook and he went to the showers, to get rid of the day.
Instead of going home though, Abby went to see Ducky.
"Hey Duckman, have you seen Tony? He didn't look so good, I think he's injured"
"I have indeed noticed that my dear Abigail, but you know Tony, he doesn't want to show any sign of weakness. He won't admit that he's injured until it is too late. Where has he gone by the way?"
"I think he went to the showers. Maybe if we go and see for our selves that he is injured, he will let us help him." Abby said. They called Tim and Ziva who were at their desks again, waiting for orders while Gibbs tried to get Jenny to tell him what was going on.
The four of them then went to the locker room to wait for Tony to get out of the showers. They only had to wait a few minutes to see Tony half naked with only a towel around his waist. But what they saw was not beautiful at all, Tony's upper body was one big bruise with apparently lots of small cuts and burns on both his chest and back. When he saw them standing there looking at him, he really didn't know what to do. He was angry and ashamed that they saw him like that, but also glad, because he was really hurting and could use Ducky's help. So he pretended to ignore their shocked faces and instead went ahead to the morgue for Ducky to treat his wounds. Of course McGee, Ziva and Abby had to wait outside, which was very welcome to Tony, since he had several more wounds, which he didn't want his friends to see. The three meanwhile decided that Tony was probably hungry and ordered him his favourite pizza.
In the director's office, Gibbs got as far as that Tony was on a secret undercover mission and that the woman in Ducky's morgue was the Tony's contact in this case. Anything more she couldn't and wouldn't tell him. And anyway, Jenny wanted to check on Tony, make sure he was alright after she had let him down so badly. Curiously, Gibbs had the same feeling.
Unfortunately, Tony wasn't in the mood for talking, so after Ducky had checked all his wounds, he got dressed and started with his report, without any further comment to anyone.
But even though it was already late at night, nobody went home. They had all a bad feeling in their stomach and they knew that there was more to the whole thing. Neither of them trusted Tony to be alone at the moment. They stayed in Abby's lab and observed Tony via the security cameras.
When DiNozzo had finally finished his report (nobody had ever seen him type so fast), he went down to the morgue. He didn't seem to have noticed that the others hadn't left yet. Or he didn't care. All he could think about was Jeanne lying all alone in on a cold table. He didn't want to leave her alone there, he needed to be with her and say good-bye. Although she was only part of the operation, he had really fallen for her. He knew better then to fall in love, but sometimes even his will power wasn't strong enough.
He opened her drawer and pulled out a little, so he could talk to her. Although he had never talked in French with her, he kind of had the urge to speak in her mother tongue at this moment.
« Je t'aime tu sais? Tu vas me manquer beaucoup, je suis tellement désolé que je ne pouvais pas te protéger, pardonne-moi s'il-te-plait ! » With tears in his eyes, he bent down to kiss her forehead.
"Tu sais, j'ai déjà vu une amour souffre à mourir, et ça ne devient pas plus facile du tout une deuxième fois… »
He didn't know that his friends were hearing what he thought he would only tell his love. Of course Abby already knew about Isabella, and McGee didn't understand a word, but Gibbs and Jenny were overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt and shame. Jenny because she had brought Tony in such a situation, and Gibbs because he had had no idea about this side of Tony's life, which he had ridiculed only the night before.
They decided that they wouldn't leave Tony alone that night, even though he should not know that they were there watching over him.
Author's Chapter Notes:
you have to trust your gut feeling