It's depressing. Really depressing. I mean it. It was more depressing than the thought that I'll never be able to tell Gibbs how I feel about him.
Sometimes there is nothing left. And when I say nothing I mean nothing. A boss who shouts at you because you didn't take all fingerprints in a 70 square meter apartment within a half hour. Colleagues telling you to stop playing computer games even then, when you don't do it but work hard to solve the case instead. People who think, you are incompetent and you are a fucking silly baby boy.
What have I done wrong?
Okay, it's not every day this way.
But at least sometimes.
On days like today, when everything's going wrong.
Today has been the worst so far.
Everyone was picking on me the entire time I was in the headquarters. I didn't understand that. There was no reason to treat me like I am some sort of mutt. And the worst about this was that not even Gibbs tried to make them stop. He does that anytime me and one of the others are treating the third. But never when I'm the one lying on the ground, literally.
It's depressing. That was the reason I spent two more hours in the office after the others had left. I wanted to figure out why they did it. Why Gibbs hadn't stepped in.
It was hard for me not to cry. I never cry, maybe I have to admit that.
But I'm really close to lose control now.
I'm holding it together.
For now.
But who knows, how long?
I don't.
Spending two hours thinking about how bad everything was and how much this all affects me I don't realize Gibbs came out of the elevators. When I look up from my screen I'm almost scared to death. He's standing there so suddenly.
"Easy, Tony" he says. I stopped breathing for a moment and now I'm gasping for air because of that little stunt of mine. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Working."
That's the truth. Okay, half-truth. I was thinking about the day, but I have to admit I've gone through ten files in that time, what is pretty much for what I usually get done in two hours.
One more thing my colleagues would make jokes about. But they don't know what's going on in my brain. What would they do, when they would work with their only one and true love that is only inches away, so close… but unreachable. They wouldn't do any better than I.
I'm sunken in my thoughts and don't realize Gibbs' inquiring look. His words are so far away from here that I can't hear them and he has to repeat not once but twice.
"Why are you working at night after three hard days? You should sleep by now."
I'm not able to look him in the eyes. Why does he have to ask? I mean… he is the one who didn't do anything to make McGee and Ziva stop bickering me. He is the one who ignored how bad I was the whole day. It was really hard to stand the pain.
"I'm working better at night."
He looked me over before replying. I must look miserable by now. Like an athlete after a 5000 meter marathon. Tired. Exhausted. Maybe a bit sad…
"What's wrong, Tony?"
What's wrong?
He asks me what's wrong?
Isn't that obvious?
"There are people you call friends treating you without any reason and there is a boss ignoring it the whole day. You are alone, you can't do anything because it would give them another occasion to pick on you and it wouldn't change the fact, that your boss doesn't step in. Besides your boss is the only one you expect to do anything about it, because he's the only one you really want to this. So tell me, what's wrong?"
I don't look him in the eyes.
Maybe I'll be fired in a few minutes but I don't care.
I care, but it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, because it never mattered.
I feel the hot burning in my eyes. I can't remember the time I cried last time. And I really don't want to remember. But I know, I'll e losing the control in less than a few seconds. I'll be starting to cry in a few minutes.
In front of my boss.
The worst thing, that could ever happen.
"I'm sorry."
I'm sorry?
Gibbs is sorry?
Gibbs apologizes?
I must be dreaming.
But I don't. He holds me tight and I don't even know when he took me in his strong arms. I dreamt of this for so long and now I'm in a safe embrace of the man I love.
I'm losing it now.
I'm starting to cry.
"It's okay, Tony. Just let it out. It's okay." That's what he says the whole time. Soothing words to calm me down. And it really helps. I feel safe. It feels right. That's what I need.
Gibbs.
I need him.
It will never change.
And I forgive him that he ignored it, because he's next to me right now. So close but so unreachable. Or maybe not. Maybe he's more reachable then ever. And that feels right. It's the only thing that feels right. Although I'll never be together with him. At least I'm with him, near him. This gives me strength.
Story Notes:
I'm from Germany so please forgive me, if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.
I hope you enjoy reading my story.
Feedback's welcome.
Author's Chapter Notes:
They don’t know what’s going on in my brain. What would they do, when they would work with their only one and true love that is only inches away, so close… but unreachable.
Chapter End Notes:
I'm from Germany so please forgive me, if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.
I hope you enjoy reading my story.
Feedback's welcome.
I hope you enjoy reading my story.
Feedback's welcome.