Staring right back in the face
A memory can't be erased
I know, because I tried
He has left. I feel so alone back here in Washington D.C. since he went down to Mexico where I can't reach him. I don't even know where exactly he lives. Abby at least has his phone number but she won't give it to me. I don't understand why he didn't give me his number. I mean, I was his lover, isn't it the most natural thing to give it to your lover? I was the closest he had by then, right?
It's hard to look at the picture I keep in the drawer of my desk, but I can't stop looking at it. I'd like to forget him and all the things we shared. It hurts to think about someone you love when he left you behind. It hurts to loose someone you love.
I tried to forget him, but it almost broke my heart. I don't want to be broken. I'm not that fragile, I don't want to be disturbed because if one lover I lost. Although it's the only true love I ever had. All the others were just kind of toy. Nothing serious I would mourn after. But he was different, our love was different. And I can't let go off the memory of him. That's the hardest thing to do for me right now. It's much easier to hold on the image I have. The one picture I look at thousand times a day.
Start to feel the emptiness
And everything I'm gonna miss
I know that I can't hide
Everything I shared with him, every single moment we were alone an that where others were around, too… it is anchored deep inside my heart but it all fades away and leaves my heart empty.
I miss him. He was my life. He gave me all the things I starved for in my childhood and my youth but never got until I met Gibbs five years ago. He made me feel special and most of all wanted and loved.
I miss it feeling loved and wanted.
I miss it so much it hurts.
The worst is the loneliness I felt back when I was a child. I never really got the chance to interact with other people my age. My father sent me to a private school, where I was taught all alone. No class mates I could make friends with. They came from the same society I came but I didn't fit in the profile of a rich child. I was different and they showed me that early.
I already feel the loneliness fall over like a black curtain. I am still different and now that he's gone no-one is going to understand me.
All the time is passing by
I think it's time to just move on
When you came back down
If you land on your feet
I hope you find a way
To make it back to me
All I want is to get him back. I don't want to feel lonely. I can joke around the others and pretend I can handle the situation. I can do it. I can be strong for them as long as I want but inside I will die when he won't come back.
Gibbs has to regain his memories. Maybe not all the memories he had have before the explosion but at least the ones containing me. Maybe he'll wake up one morning and realize what he has done to me. That he left me behind although he loves me and I love him. And maybe when he gets these memories back he'll come back down to me.
This is the only wish I have. And if I would pray right now I would pray to god to give me back my love. My Gibbs. The only person I loved and will love for the rest of my life. Even when I would believe in Santa Claus the only thing I would write onto my list of wishes would be, that Gibbs remembers me and what we shared together.
When you come around
I'll be there for you
Don't have to be alone
with what you're going through
If the finally would become reality and Gibbs would stand in front of my door I'll be inviting him, closing the door behind him and lead him to the couch in my living room. He could do whatever he wants to do. He could lean on my shoulder and cry after his wife and daughter. Ducky told me he lost them fifteen years ago. And I totally understand that he loved them.
I just wouldn't tell him that Ducky told me. I want him to tell me himself. I wouldn't even push him. It's his decision and if he'd never tell me I'd still understand it.
I want to be there for him, when he needs help and if he would decide to come back to NCIS I would support him in any way, I would watch his six all the time so what happened couldn't happen again. Never again. I don't want to feel so helpless again. And I'm sure he wouldn't stand it to be in such a danger a second – third time.
Stop to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while
I know that you are tired
It's starting to be all the same after a while. I walk into the bullpen with a cup of Starbucks coffee – something Gibbs used to do when he was the boss – give McGee, Ziva and the new probie Agent Lee orders and then I work through some old files until we get a case. I miss catching the keys Gibbs used to throw to me to gas the truck.
Seriously thought about my actions I do absolutely the same everyday. It's a routine. I breathe in and out and do things I do regular. Reading a file, storing it, making a call, asking things in the same way Gibbs did… There is no more passion and delight when I do my work. It's just… doing my work nothing else. There is nothing to look forward to after quitting time.
Abby's the only one who knows how I feel about Gibbs and that all the smiles left now are just faked and not real. There is no hint of honesty in them. But you just see it when you make the effort to look. And Abby's the only one who really looks me in the eye. She's tired from seeing no glint in my green oceans and it makes her depressed because I'm a friend.
I know how she feels about one of her friends being so sad but I can't change it. All she has to do is give me the damn phone number but I think she promised Gibbs to keep it safe. I know how she thinks about breaking a promise she made. She hates this, ever did. I understand it and I don't want her to feel bad just because I pushed her to give me the number.
Carrying the one's you lost
A picture framed with all the thoughts
I know you hold inside
I never saw pictures of Gibbs' wife and daughter. Ducky told me their names. Shannon and Kelly. I always ask myself if Gibbs had pictures from them somewhere. He must have. I mean, I lived half of my free time in his house and never saw a hint, that he had a daughter. Of course, I know he had three ex-wives – everyone knows – but not even Ducky knew that Gibbs had had a daughter and a forth wife who were murdered.
At least I understand his internal drive when we hunt murderers now.
I still ask myself if Gibbs has any keepsake of Shannon and Kelly. As I know him he hides all his mourning behind a mask of grief and his acting like a complete idiot or – better fitting – bastard. Maybe he also kept his memories of them in the back of his head and didn't need a picture of them. I for myself never kept a picture of my mom, too, although I loved her until she died when I was twelve.
I hope that you can find your way
Back to the place where you belong
Thinking about Gibbs hurts as if someone drives a knife into my heart. I think I lost him but I don't want to believe it. There still is a chance that he might come back to me, isn't there? And he will remember me. Not as a co-worker but as his lover, as the one who kept him upright when he was down.
Whether or not he comes back but he'll ever have a place of honor in my heart. It hurts but I'll get over it, if he won't come back. At least I try to stay strong. Be there for the kids Abby, Ziva and McGee. They are my responsibility now, aren't they?
Story Notes:
The characters belong to DPB, none of them are mine. It's a shame isn't it...?!
I'm from Germany, so please forgive me if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.
Hope you enjoy the story.
Feedback welcome.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Tony misses Gibbs after he left but there still is hope that Gibbs comes back to him, right?
Based on the song "Come back down" by Lifehouse.
Based on the song "Come back down" by Lifehouse.
Chapter End Notes:
The characters belong to DPB, none of them are mine. It's a shame isn't it...?!
I'm from Germany, so please forgive me if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.
Hope you enjoy the story.
Feedback welcome.
I'm from Germany, so please forgive me if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes.
Hope you enjoy the story.
Feedback welcome.