Sometimes he finds himself lying awake at night. Staring into the empty darkness. Wishing she was there. Wanting to turn and wrap his arms around something warm that's not there, that was never there. He knows it's wrong on so many levels but he can't control his feelings. He can't control his broken heart. He lost Kate and now he can't lose Abby to. He just wishes she would see how much he really does love her. Wishes she would make the move because he doesn't have the courage to do anything anymore.
She knew he was hurt. He lost a teammate and he put the blame on himself. She saw how he beat himself up, staring at her desk. But she wasn't coming back, no matter how hard he or anybody stared she wasn't going to come back and he felt helpless because of it. He always fixed everything, but this time there was no fixing to be done, there was nothing he could do but to kill the bastard.
He noticed Abby's presence and looked up to see her face. The tears in her eyes broke his heart into even more pieces than it was already broken into. He stood and wrapped his arms around her, promising her everything would be alright but knowing it wouldn't. When that shot flew past his leg and he heard Abby's scream he nearly died on the spot. He couldn't loose her, not after he lost Kate.
Just staring at him brought the tears back to her eyes. All she wanted him to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her she was going to be alright, that everything was going to be alright. She came to him, knowing he was the only one that could really understand, could really comfort her.
He couldn't let her go home that night. Not by herself, not to her house. He told Abby that he would take her to his place that she could sleep there until she felt safer and that he would protect her.
She tried her best to believe him. But she honestly couldn't believe in anything anymore. She leaned her head against the cold glass of his car window. Somehow it made her feel alive and the tears came flowing back. She couldn't find a way to control them anymore and she wasn't sure she wanted to. She felt Gibb's gaze on her face and tried to hide the pain but when he reached over and took her hand in his, lacing their fingers together she couldn't hold the pain back anymore.
He heard her sniffle and looked over to see her, her head leaning against the glass, the tears falling from her cheeks. He couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want her to suffer anymore. He reached his hand over to lace his fingers with hers, hoping to give her some form of comfort but all it did was make her cry harder.
She tried to calm down, taking comfort from his hand. Wishing that it would be enough to heal her but knowing it wouldn't. The rain fell harder outside; it seemed fitting considering the events of the past few days. She watched the water run down the window, wishing she could melt away like the water did.
Gibbs brought her to the basement, pulling out two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He poured them each a healthy amount and put his arm around her as he sat next to her on the skeleton of his boat, both trying to make the past go away.
She had scooted closer to him, the alcohol making it easier for her not to think about it. She wanted to feel the warmth of his body, to feel alive again. She leaned against his chest, his arms wrapping protectively around her as she cried herself to sleep.
He tried not to think about the body in his arms. He couldn't do this. He couldn't feel this way about Abby, not after all that had happened. He wondered if maybe the feelings were only there because he was depressed and needed something, somebody, to cling to. He lifted her carefully in his arms, knowing they couldn't stay down there in the basement. When he placed her on the bed a hand reached out, grabbing his wrist, telling him not to go.
She didn't want him to leave her alone. She was too afraid of being alone. She heard him sigh and felt the bed dip as he sat next to her.
He lied flat on his back next to her. He didn't trust himself. Not when it came to her.
She wouldn't have any of that. She turned, wrapping an arm around his torso, resting her head on his chest, and throwing a leg over his own. She heard his sharp intake of breath, knowing she had surprised him.
He couldn't think about. Didn't want to over analyze such a small thing. She needed something to cling onto, that was the only reason she pressed herself so close to him. He could feel her breath on his neck and didn't know how much longer he could last before he broke.
She knew the game she was playing. She was baiting him and knew he didn't have the control anymore to hold himself back for to long. She felt an arm reach up and felt a palm flatten on her back, bringing her closer to his body.
As soon as he moved his hand in that simple motion, as soon as he pushed her body closer to his, he knew he had gone too far. He tried to think of it as something else, as a comfort for the both of them. But he knew what it was; he knew where this was going.
She felt like being in this bed, curled into Gibb's body, would take her far away from all the memories. She wondered if he knew. If he understood just how much the same they were. She wondered if he knew that when they bleed they bleed the same. They really were no different. They suffered through the same pain, lost the same friend, and had the same hole in their heart. She couldn't help wondering when the loneliness would be over, if he was the one that could make it go away.
He could feel her lips kiss his chin. Knew what she wanted, but he couldn't give it to her. "Abby," he hated how his voice cracked, how the pain was so obvious. "Abby I can't, I can't hurt you too. Can't you see how I bring corruption to everything I touch? How I bring death and destruction to all that I touch?" He knew that he would burn in hell for it, knew that he would burn for all his sins. But he couldn't say no, not when she silenced him with her lips on his own.
She couldn't let him kill himself over it. She couldn't allow him to sit there and berate himself for something that was entirely out of his hand. She just wanted to lose herself in his embrace, forget all the blame. So she kissed him, putting everything she felt, everything she knew into it. Hoping and praying that he would accept it.
He knew he should follow his instincts, push her off himself and tell her its wrong, but sometimes when it comes to her he chooses the other path. He was tired of the pain weighing him down, tired of the hurt, the guilt, the blame keeping him from living. She always had a way of electrifying his life. So when he kissed her back, flipped her body over and pinned her to the bed, he knew he was a fool for her.
She could feel the truth running deep inside. Could feel just how much he really did love her. Even though she knew he wouldn't admit it, not yet at least. She felt her passion matched in his as they kissed, his body pinning her to the bed, his hands bringing the life back into her body. The truth would never die.
He couldn't remember the last time anything felt so good. He left to much love behind, let his heart die to many times, left it open to too many women to destroy. He could taste the air she was breathing in, could feel her body beneath him, the smoothness, the curves, he knew he would never forget a thing about her.
As she pulled his shirt from his pants she knew that nothing would ever be the same again. They were making the same mistakes again, allowing themselves to love again, giving each other their hearts and soul, and praying it wouldn't all spin out of control. The flashbacks intertwined of loves that were too good to last. But she wanted this one to last.
Her hands ran up his chest as she pulled his shirt over his head. He knew he couldn't possibly be dreaming, he was too old to dream. He tried not to embrace the past, their lives were too good to last and she was too young to care. He wanted her now. More than anything he ever wanted before.
Rough, strong hands pulled at her clothing. She knew the hands, had watched them so many times as he worked on his boat. She remembered all the times she sat on the bench in his basement, just watching him work on the boat. Watching how his hands touched the boat and always wondering what it would feel like to have those hands on her, sanding down her exterior and showing the smoothness that lay beneath, the real Abby.
He could hear her heavy breathing in his ear as his hands ran over newly exposed skin. He loved the feel of her and never wanted to forget it. He took his time, allowing everything, every detail, to burn itself into his memory.
As he rolled off of her, cold hitting the burning skin that seconds before was covered by Gibbs, she realized just how much the intensity of it all scared the hell out of her. But the memories came flying back, invading her brain and taking all her peace. All she could see was the end as Gibbs lay panting next to her. She could see how it would end when Ari finally got one of them. She just wanted to be free from despair, to forget everything, forget that Kate ever existed.
He noticed her quietness and thought that she might have regretted it. He pulled himself up into a sitting position, pulling her into his arms as he rested against the headboard. "Are you alright?" He asked as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her head in his shoulder. He stayed quiet for a few minutes but then he just had to know, had to ask the question that he knew would probably end it all. "You're not…you're not regretting it are you?" He hated the way his voice sounded so weak, so unsure.
She pulled away from his shoulder, shocked that he would even think that. "What…Gibbs of course not…I just…I miss her." She kissed him, trying to reassure him that she wasn't regretting it.
"I know, I do to," he whispered, pulling her back into his embrace and kissing her until all the hurt, all the pain, all the suffering was forgotten.
Story Notes:
A/N: Once again I used lyrics to help me write the story. This time I used mostly Muse lyrics. It didn’t come out as well as I hoped it to but I wrote it while I was home sick and extremely bored. Hope you enjoy.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sometimes he finds himself lying awake at night. Staring into the empty darkness. Wishing she was there. Wanting to turn and wrap his arms around something warm that’s not there, that was never there.
Chapter End Notes:
A/N: Once again I used lyrics to help me write the story. This time I used mostly Muse lyrics. It didn’t come out as well as I hoped it to but I wrote it while I was home sick and extremely bored. Hope you enjoy.