I'm staring out the window even though I don't see anything for my eyes are filled with tears. I can't believe how wrong I was. God, I'm supposed to be a profiler. It's my job to understand what people think, it's my job to get inside their head.
I always thought Tony was some kind of big child, that he just loved dating women, taunting people… But deep down, in some place he managed to hide from us, he happened to be deeply hurt, and no one could ever do something about it.
I remember what he told me tonight. We'd gone to a pub and ended up a little bit drunk. Went to his place and suddenly, before I even realized what I was doing, I kissed him. First he kissed me back, but then he stepped back, looking confused.
"What are you doing?" he'd told me.
"Well, kissing you" I'd replied innocently. I leaned over and tried to kiss him again but he took another step back.
"That's wrong"
"Why?"
"You're drunk. It's not really you"
"I'm not that drunk. I love you" I still can't believe I told him that.
He looked confused, or maybe disturbed… anything but glad. He looked down and I felt stupid. I was about to run away when he talked again.
"You shouldn't. I don't deserve it"
I'll never forget the look in his eyes as he said that. He looked so sad, so hurt. I wanted to reassure him, to tell him it wasn't true. But I couldn't say anything, I was too shocked by his last sentence.
He smiled sadly and opened the door. I stammered something that I hoped sounded like a good-bye and left. I broke down and sobbed as I was in my car, even though I didn't know who I felt sorrier for.
All this time I worked with him and I never noticed anything.
Suddenly, it strikes me that maybe it was the reason why he never dated women for more than a week. Maybe he thought he didn't deserve to be truly loved.
I'd really want to know what made him feel this way. Who could be horrible enough to tell him he didn't deserve to be loved?
But I know that he's never gonna tell me.
I wasn't out of my mind. I do love him. Drinking only made it easier to say. I love him, and when I was finally able to tell him, he told me it was wrong.
That's why I'm here, alone in my apartment, crying like a little girl. I don't even want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to have to face him.
What if I called Gibbs to tell him I'm sick? Then again maybe not. He would be mad at me, and I'm not a coward.
I walk to my room and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Red eyes, wet lines running down my cheeks, messed up hair. I can't help but chuckling as I realize how awful I look.
"Come on Kate, you can do it" I tell myself. I'm gonna have a shower and then I'll go to sleep. Tomorrow I'll go to work and act like nothing happened. I just hope he'll do the same.
Story Notes:
Just a little story that I had in mind. Hope you'll like it, just let me know!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Kate finds out that Tony is troubled by something and she wants to know what it is
Chapter End Notes:
Just a little story that I had in mind. Hope you'll like it, just let me know!