Chapter 10: A problem shared
Gibbs had closed the distance between his Senior Field Agent and himself with several quiet steps and now kneeled in front of the younger man, who didn't show any reaction to his presence. Rethron, who still lay next to Tony, watched the silver-haired man with sharp green eyes, which seemed to express a silent command. 'Help him!'
Gibbs looked back for a moment and gave a silent nod. Who said that the firelion and he wouldn't be able to communicate? There were others ways besides telepathy to reach an understanding. And Gibbs was willing to try his best to lessen Tony's sadness about his father's death.
Reaching out, the older agent lay a strong hand on Tony's arm and waited for him to look up. When the Italian slowly raised his eyes to his, Gibbs' heart clenched in sympathy when he came to see the whirl of emotions in the green-golden depths. Hurt and sadness were dominant, mixing with repressed anger and… guilt?
Gibbs mentally blinked, when he recognized the self-incrimination boiling behind the surface. Why would Tony feel responsible for the death of his father? The silver-haired man could understand the sadness at the man's loss, the pain his friend experienced at the memory - even the anger at having been left was understandable. This last emotion was irrational, because Tony surely knew that his father hadn't wanted to die and leave his family - but Gibbs understood. He had experienced this frisson of anger himself, when his parents had passed away years ago.
But the guilt he could see in Tony's eyes baffled him. Frowning slightly the silver-haired agent started to ask Tony for the reason of the blame the younger man obviously put on himself for the loss of his father. But before he was able to voice his question, Tony seemed to realize what he intended to ask - and startled Gibbs even further when he flinched and then avoided his gaze by lowering his head again. Now Gibbs was really concerned about his friend. Tony acted like he expected him to be angry at him.
Taking in the picture of misery the younger man presented, Gibbs could feel himself soften in affection. Tony usually was such a confident person, but Gibbs had soon realized that he took the opinions of those he cared for to heart. What his friends thought of him really mattered to Tony. And the silver-haired man enjoyed the fact that he was obviously one of those people whose opinion counted for the Italian.
Reaching out once more, Gibbs lay his fingers under Tony's chin and used gentle pressure to make the younger man raise his head again. Tony did not fight him, but still avoided his gaze. Gibbs sighed and then asked him: "Tony, why do you feel guilty for your father's death?" Tony flinched at the soft question and didn't answer. His spiritual companions on the other hand reacted visibly surprised and Rethron nudged Tony's side before starting another round of silent conversation with his Guardian.
Waiting with unusual patience for him, Gibbs watched the nonverbal interaction between Tony and his closest spirit. Judging from their body language, Tony was hesitant to disclose the reason for his guilt to anybody, but Rethron wasn't his familiar for nothing. The mighty beast tried his best to convince Tony of something, Gibbs could see that quite clearly. But the silver-haired agent knew how stubborn his friend could be. It sometimes exasperated his Boss, but Gibbs knew that this ability to be peserverant had often served Tony well during trying times. And he inwardly also admired the younger man for it.
Tony's sudden sigh and the almost unnoticable slump of his shoulders made Gibbs aware that Rethron had been able to 'convince' him to share the reason for his guilt with his friends and family. Gibbs could see that Tony braced himself before he looked at him again. "Tell me why you feel guilty", the silver-haired man repeated his earlier question calmly, but expectantly. He was really curious about the cause of that emotion.
Tony seemed to grab onto the calmness Gibbs' question had transpired and used it to steady his emotional equilibrium. Venting a deep breath, he composed himself and then found the inner strength to reciprocate Gibbs steady gaze. The older man inwardly smiled at the courage Tony expressed, but didn't seem to be aware of. It was part of his appeal.
But when Tony started to explain his reaction, Gibbs found himself once more a bit perplexed for a second.
"I didn't expect him to die", Tony confessed full of quiet misery. Seeing the silent demand for a more detailed explanation of this apparent non-sequitur in Gibbs' eyes, Tony continued: "I mean, I never gave it a thought that my Dad could die so early. He wasn't fighting against demons or other dark creatures as the Guardian - my grandfather did that."
With a flash of resigned hurt in his expressive eyes, Tony explained: "I have early realized and even accepted it, that Grandpapà lived a dangerous life as Dendeyra's Guardian and could be taken away from my family the next day by a dark creature. I always worried for him, when he went to fight - but I understood that it was his duty. We often talked about it, so I was reasonably prepared when that day finally arrived." Another flash of pain at the memory of said day flitted over his features.
"But my father didn't live with such a risk. He was just …", Tony made a helpless gesture with his hand and trailed off. "A normal human", Gibbs finished Tony's sentence. Tony at first looked a bit startled by that, but then he nodded silently, eyes dark with repressed emotions. "Yeah", the younger man agreed.
"Like I said, Dad didn't actively use his magic other than practicing with me or indulging my mother on occasion with a bit of a show." A faint smile lit up Tony's eyes, but it dimmed quickly again, when he continued. "Out of that reasoning I never expected him to be taken away from Mom and me earlier than from old age. I somehow ignored everything that pointed towards the possibility he could still be at risk even without the added danger of using his magic to fight. That even living as a 'normal human' could shorten his lifespan."
Tony's quiet remorse about whatever he thought was his fault about the situation he had explained compelled Gibbs to squeeze his shoulder lightly in support, before he said: "Tony, that is totally understandable. You said that nobody knew about this illness your father had, that he didn't even tell your mother or grandfather. So why do you think you should have been aware of his illness? Why would you think you are at fault?"
In response to those questions Tony hugged his legs close to his body, unconsciously displaying the vulnerability he felt inside. "Because I am. I should have realized he was in pain", the young man whispered.
"That isn't right, Tony", Gibbs countered decisively. "You were what - fourteen? How could you know…"
"Fifteen", Tony corrected. "Dad died a month after I turned fifteen."
"Anyway…you were a teenager, Tony", Gibbs told him. "At that age you don't think about death and illness, you are more interested in what life can give you. You can't really believe that you are to be held responsible for not realizing that your father had this illness!", he exclaimed.
Tony seemed to rock back a bit at the force of Gibbs' determination. The expression in his eyes told the older man, that Tony wanted to believe him, but wasn't fully convinced yet. Before Gibbs could say anything else though, the younger man uncurled and jumped up. Agitation suddenly coloured his behaviour and his voice as well, when Tony began to really explain.
"It wasn't like that. I am supposed to know these things, Gibbs! It's what I am!" Turning towards the older man, who had stood up as well and remained near him, Tony's voice quietened again and became sad and slightly bitter. "I am supposed to have this gift, this ability to know when something's not right! But I didn't even catch a glimpse of what my father was going through until he couldn't hide it anymore!"
Gibbs regarded his second-in-command for a long moment, then he shook his head with an inaudible sigh. With a couple of steps he closed the remaining distance between them and slapped Tony lightly on the back of his head. Startled green-gold eyes focused on him after this familiar gesture when Gibbs was exasperated with his fellow agent and Gibbs used Tony's attention on him to lock their gazes.
"Now you will listen to me, DiNozzo", Gibbs demanded, "and you will listen good. Do you hear me?" Reflexively Tony nodded, which caused Gibbs to inwardly smile at the habitual response. "You have that gift, Tony", the silver-haired man then told his friend, his voice ringing with belief. "Nobody who knows you can deny the truth of that."
With a faint smile he continued: "I always knew that my instincts are good, better than those of most other agents I am familiar with. But I needed years to train them and hone them into the way they are now. You however don't need any training to sharpen your instincts, because yours are already top-notch. Sometimes it's almost uncanny to watch how you simply know how to behave with other people - how you are able to gather facts or answers from victims as well as suspects only you are aware of they can even provide."
Their teammates nodded empathically, because they agreed with Gibbs. Each of them had often wondered how Tony could unearth little tidbits of information which helped them solve their cases at NCIS - information which nobody but him had been able to even see was there to gather. Kate and McGee had at first thought of it as a result of Tony working as a cop on the streets. But solving case after case and seeing how even Gibbs relied on that special talent of Tony impressed on them the uniqueness of it. And even if they wouldn't admit it under torture, the two NCIS agents had realized that the way Tony sometimes hassled and bickered with them was another aspect of that gift their fellow agent had. He simply knew when to distract them, lighten their mood or ease the stress.
Tony's sadness eased a bit at this rare praise from his boss - in front of his family and their teammates no less! But still. If he really had this talent, then why hadn't he felt that something was wrong with his father?
"He didn't want you to know", Gibbs' voice intruded on Tony's internal musings. The younger man only looked at him, in no way surprised that Gibbs knew what he had contemplated. "Think about it, Tony. If you had been in his place, would you have wanted your family to know about it? Would you have wanted them to worry?", Gibbs questioned.
Tony's expressive green-golden eyes showed his swiftly changing emotions, when he thought about his friend's words. At first he had wanted to say yes, but in the end he slowly shook his head and his shoulders slumped in dismay. "No, I wouldn't want them to worry. But I still don't know how Dad was able to hide it for so long without me noticing. If I had known, perhaps I could've helped him."
Gibbs didn't know what to say in answer to that. He wasn't sure how Matthew DiNozzo had achieved his goal to hide his illness from his family until the end. But someone else did. Penny suddenly came into Gibbs' field of vision and he turned towards her with a questioning tilt of his head. But the ghost solely concentrated on Tony, who watched her as well with slightly anxious eyes.
"You are faulting yourself without any need, Anthony", Penelope told the young Italian. "Matthew might not have been acting as a Guardian of Dendeyra, but he was still very adapt at using the magic he had inherited from Lucas. If he had chosen that path, your father would have been a very good mage. The quality of Matthew's magic is the reason not even Lucas realized he was ill."
Tony's eyes widened at Penny's words, then they narrowed again and he was thinking furiously. Gibbs could almost see the younger man process the information he had been given, piece it together with the rest and then come to a startling conclusion. "He shielded", Tony whispered, frowning deeply at that thought.
"He did", Penny agreed. "And very well, I might add. Like I said, your father was a top-level mage. Remember, Anthony, that his major element was water and his strongest minor elements ice and earth. This combination made Matthew especially adept at shielding, because these elements back up the use of this defensive style of magic."
Tony nodded to the explanation, but his eyes were sad. "He shouldn't have used his remaining magical strength to hide from us, Grandma. Perhaps I might not have been strong enough to help him, but Grandpapà could have tried."
"Do you really think Matthew didn't know this?", Penny challenged. "If there had been any chance that one of you could have prevented his death, he would have sought your help. His foresight must have told him that nobody could help him."
Penny hesitated shortly, then continued in a very serious tone of voice: "Visions are granted to enable the seer to try and change a certain situation, like Phoebe was often able to in the past. But sometimes things aren't meant to be changed; sometimes the vision is meant to give you time to prepare for the inevitable. Matthew knew that - and he reacted accordingly."
Tony started to protest, but then closed his mouth again when memories of the last months and weeks with his father swamped him. With the new knowledge he had gained, Tony could see what his father decided to do with his remaining days. Spending time with his familiy, the persons who had mattered most to Matthew DiNozzo. The trip to the cabin Lucas had built in the mountains near their home in Italy came to Tony's mind.
It had been part of his father's gift for Tony's fifteenth birthday to spent time together in the wilderness. Wonderful two weeks with hiking, magical training in the form of hide and seek, lazying around in the evenings and talking about everything and nothing at once…
Bittersweet memories, because less than three weeks later Matthew had died of his illness.
Swallowing against the heavy ache in his heart, because he missed his father so much, Tony managed a shaky smile. "I guess he really knew", he whispered. "And he used the time which remained to spent with us. I only wish… I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. There is so much I would like him to know."
This time it was Kate, who hesitantly voiced a suggestion. "Tony, is it possible to…" Kate shrugged and made a helpless gesture with her hand at Penelope, then tried again to offer a way for her friend to be granted his wish: "Can't you…I don't know… call for him? Or your cousins? I think it would help you to see your father - even if only as a ghost."
Even before she had finished her hesitant proposal, something in Tony's demeanor changed. The easing of his guilty sadness about the loss of his father stopped and the expression in his eyes changed back to tense resignation and hurt. And Kate wasn't the only one who was so tuned into her colleague's moods to realize it. Gibbs tilted his head thoughtfully, not sure why Tony reverted back to sadness at the mentioning of this possibility. Couldn't he do it? Or were there rules for his kind of magical use against calling for the dead?
It was Phoebe, whose empathy caught on to the real reason. The young woman sighed and walked over to her beloved cousin to wrap her arms around his muscular frame. She felt the tenseness in his body and the new kind of pain emanating from him. Leaning against Tony she whispered: "You already tried, didn't you?"
Tony curled his arms around Phoebe, tightening his hug unconsciously when she guessed right. He nodded and found compassion etched into Phoebe's features when she gazed at him with warm, loving eyes. "When did you call for him, Tony?", his cousin wanted to know, already anticipating the kind of answer she would get. When Tony just looked at her with dark, anguished eyes, she sighed. "Oh Tony."
Phoebe wanted to say more, explain some facts to him he didn't seem to know, when Penelope interjected. "Anthony Matthew DiNozzo, what did you do?", Phoebe's grandmother asked a bit sternly. Like the young witch she had a quite certain guess, when Tony had tried to call for his father's ghost. But she wanted the Italian to confirm her guess before she acted.
Tony remained silent, fighting with himself. But in the end he answered Penelope's demanding gaze. "I called for my father, Grandma. He didn't come." The last was said in a nearly inaudible whisper, Tony's pain that his Dad hadn't answered his call tangible. Phoebe tightened her embrace and tried to sooth her cousin with her presence. "When did you call for uncle Matt?", she repeated her earlier question.
"A week after his funeral." Tony's answer was short, making quite clear that he ached at the memory.
"And after that? Did you ever try again?", Phoebe whispered, knowing the answer already by the deep pain in Tony's eyes. The young NCIS agent shook his head. "He didn't come, Phee… I made sure I conducted the ritual correctly, so it was clear that Dad choose not to react to my call."
Turning his head away Tony tried to disentangle himself from Phoebe's hug. But the young woman resisted her cousin's movement by tightening her arms around him. "No, no, no! Tony, it's not like that!", she tried to tell him, but Tony didn't react.
Reaching out a hand to turn his head back so she could look into his eyes, Phoebe insisted: "It's not like that. Uncle Matt would never deny you a wish, Tony…he loved you too much to cause you this kind of pain."
"But he didn't come", Tony whispered.
"Because it was too early", Phoebe explained. "It was too soon after his death. He simply wasn't able to come."
Piper suddenly appeared on Tony's other side, her brown eyes showing her understanding of her cousin's feelings. She could relate to his reasoning. "Phoebe tells the truth, Tony", Piper began. "I reacted like you after Prue had died. I blamed myself for her death - Gods, I blamed everyone around me." With a quick apologetic look at her husband, the young woman added: "I blamed Leo for only saving me and not Prue, even if I knew he had done everything he could to save both our lives."
Tony instinctively reached out towards his older cousin, drawing her nearer to sooth the remembered sense of sorrow, hurt and anger. It caused those present to almost smile, when they saw Tony's special gift shine once more through the layers of his own pain. Piper didn't hold back her gratitude at Tony's gesture and smiled a silent thank-you at him. Then she continued.
"After I finally realized that nobody but the demon was to blame for Prue's death and that even our magic couldn't bring her back, I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to apologize and… even if it sounds ridiculous… I wanted to know if she was alright."
Phoebe had wrapped an arm around her sister, still holding onto Tony - both to give and receive support. She was as affected as Piper by the memory of her oldest sister's tragic death. The three young people stood together for a moment in silent rememberance of Prue, then Piper sighed and moved on in her explanation. "Tony, like you I wanted to use the ritual of calling, but before I was able to begin Gran appeared to me and told me that it was too early after Prue's death for her to be able to come to me."
Tony tilted his head questioningly at her, a bit of the tension in his frame easing out of him at realizing there might be a logical reason his father hadn't come to him all those years ago. "Every person, regardless of being of magical nature or 'normal human', needs a certain amount of time to come to terms with the fact that he or she is dead, Tony", Piper reasoned.
"When I tried to call for Prue, only two months had went by. Grandma said, that because of her unexpected and violent death it would need much longer for her to accomplish to really make peace with the happenings. You called for your Dad even earlier, Tony. There was just no chance, that he would have been able to accept his death in that short time, even if he had prepared himself to die. There's a difference between knowing you will die and being dead."
Piper had finished her explanation, to which Penelope had nodded in agreement and now looked up at Tony to gauge his reaction. She saw how he tried to take all this new information in and rearrange his perception of the situation he had found himself in nearly twenty years ago. The eldest of the three Halliwell-sisters didn't need Phoebe's empathy to know that the perceived rejection of his father had cut Tony deep.
Piper remembered that even as a child and later as a teenager it had been abundantly clear to her that Tony loved his father very much. And her uncle had adored his only child. It had to have been a second deep blow for Tony after Matthew's death to find his father's ghost wouldn't react to his call. Neither was she surprised that her cousin would put the blame for that perceived rejection on himself. That was Tony's sensitive nature; he always put the wants and needs of others before his own. She only hoped that Tony could now let go of the hurt he felt by trying again to call his father to him. Her uncle would be the best suited to make it clear to his son that he was in no part to blame for Matthew's death.
Penelope also watched Tony thinking about the new information. The elderly woman sighed to herself. The young man had such a strong soul, but a vulnerable heart, too. It made for a compelling character, but it also caused Tony sometimes to be hurt more easily than another person. Perhaps it had been for the best that Tony hadn't tried again to call for his father's ghost at a later time. The young man's self-imposed guilt at what he had perceived as neglect of his father's well-being on his part would have prevented a more positive result on another attempt at calling Matthew's soul. And because of that Tony's false belief that Matthew somehow partly blamed him in regard to his death would have taken even deeper roots in his psyche.
Tony's mental power was quite extraordinary - as evidenced by the blocks he had put on his magical abilities - and enabled him to unconsciously block every try Matthew might have made to gain access to his son over the years. But Penny didn't think that Tony needed to know that fact. If he thought he had - however unknowingly - denied his father the chance to establish contact with him over time, Tony's guilt would skyrock.
Approaching Phoebe, Piper and Tony, Penny added her opinion to the situation. "I think you should call for your father tonight, Anthony", she said with unusual gentleness. "I am sure he will be delighted when you call for his presence." Penelope 'Penny' Halliwell wasn't one for great displays of open affection, but Tony held a soft spot in her heart. Tony had been a spirited and often mischievous child, but always respectful to elders and kind to those beings weaker than himself. And he had obviously matured into a fine young man, holding onto the beliefs and values his father and grandfather had taught him. He deserved to be shown the softness he inspired in her.
Green-golden eyes centered on Penny with an expression of gratitude, mixed with hesitation. The logical part of Tony might believe what Piper had told him, but in his heart he was still afraid of another attempt going wrong. The longing to see and talk with his father battled with that hesitation - and finally won. Tony gave his cousins' grandmother a silent nod and smiled faintly at Phoebe, when the young woman hugged him tightly and beamed at him in delight for his agreement to try again.
Tony's teammates had watched and listened to the proceedings, silently wishing to be of more help for their friend. But they had soon realized, that this emotional rollercoaster was something Tony had to go through on his own. And seeing Tony straighten when he made his decision to give this ritual calling for his father's ghost another try, not only Gibbs felt pride for the young Italian's inner strength. He might be a bit anxious about the outcome, but Tony wouldn't let that fear hinder him to accomplish what his heart longed for.
Gibbs kneeled next to Istyan and whispered quietly: "Please watch over him tonight."
#I will, don't be afraid. Our guardian will achieve this goal more easily than he believes. His father is as eager to meet with him after all this time as we spirits were. This night will see much joy, like this afternoon.#
The Arctic Wolf's words assured Gibbs that Tony would be well-cared for until he saw him again. The silver-haired agent would have liked to remain with his second-in-command and support him, but he knew that he had to give Tony space now.
Not only for Gibbs and the rest of the NCIS team the day had been full of surprises - Tony also had many ups and downs during the last hours. The joy at having his spiritual friends back, the many memories of good and bad times their arrival brought forth and the deep hurt he had harbored at the circumstances of the loss of his father had to cause Tony emotional exhaustion. He would need time to put all that into perspective.
But Gibbs also admitted to himself, that the happenings of the day had caused a fundamental shift of his view of the world. Not of Tony, who would always be dear to his heart. Like he had told Istyan, he would always be there for his friend when Tony needed him. But Gibbs had never thought to see such a display of magic…this thing most people believed to be a product of fantasy or fairytale. For Tony and his family it was normal to wield magic; they saw it as an integral part of their lives. And Gibbs knew that now that Tony's magic was free for him to use again some things would change. Would have to change.
And as much as he wanted to explore this part of Tony's person in more depth, the silver-haired agent didn't deny that the very existance of magic was still a bit hard for him to comprehend. So giving Tony the space to contact his father's ghost would be time well-used for the rest of their team, too. All of them needed this time to let the happenings of the last hours sink in.
Moving over to Tony and his cousins, Gibbs silently squeezed Tony's shoulder to make the younger man aware of his presence. When green-golden eyes settled on him with a questioning expression, Gibbs said: "Tell your father I'll be honored to meet him some time." The calm faith in his success expressed by those few words let Tony blink for a moment, but then his whole face lit up in grateful happiness. It warmed Gibbs' heart to have been the cause of that pure happiness and he smiled indulgently at his friend. It often needed so little to make Tony happy - and receive such a brillant smile as a reward.
But Gibbs felt also unexpectedly honored by the approval he could see in Piper's and Phoebe's eyes. It was one more thing he would have to think about. Giving Tony's shoulder another gentle squeeze, the older man said: "We will go now, Tony…let all of what we've seen today settle down a bit. Besides, officially we are here on an investigation, so we will do that for the rest of the day."
Abby pouted at the prospect of leaving, but remained silent. She realized that Gibbs intended to give Tony a breather to concentrate on this ritual call for his father's ghost. And as curious as Abby was about that ritual, she wouldn't put more pressure on Tony by wanting to stay to watch. She knew her friend would later tell her everything she wanted to know.
Ducky, Kate and McGee also felt a bit of reluctance to leave. What they had come to see over the course of the day had been astonishing, Tony's spiritual friends a source of delighted amazement and awe. Each of the young agent's teammates wanted to get to know those powerful and beautiful creatures better - but they took comfort in the knowledge that the spirits would be constant companions of Tony from now on. There would be more situations when they could talk to those of the spirits closest to their own character.
When the rest of the team stood after Gibbs' words, Tony gave them a knowing smile for their unquestioning compliance of their teamleader's 'order'. He wasn't the only one who habitually followed the commands of the silver-haired man. Abby grinned at her friend's expression, Kate rolled her eyes but shrugged and Ducky's lips quirked in a indulgent smile.
McGee didn't see Tony's expression at their reactions, because he had leaned down to give Taikon's fur a last gentle pat in good-bye for now. The youngest member of the NCIS team really started to feel comfortable in the brown bear's presence after overcoming his initial fear. Taikon mentally reassured him that they would soon meet again, which gained him an anticipatory smile from McGee.
Turning to Gibbs once more, who had faintly smirked at the almost instant responses of his teammates, Tony raised a questioning eyebrow. "Do you want me to come with you for the investigation, Boss?", he offered. He got a headshake as response and Gibbs told him: "You have something important to do tonight, DiNozzo. We'll have to stumble along and do our job without your guidance for once."
The dry sarcasm in Gibbs' answer caused Tony to roll his eyes at his friend and superior, shaking his head with a small grumble. "That's what you get for offering help. Bastard." But the green-golden depths were full of warmth and gratitude, dancing with a smile.
"Have to live up to the second 'B'", Gibbs shrugged unrepentantly. "Use the time well, because soon it's back in the mines", the older man added with a gleam in his ice-blue eyes.
Tony just raised an eyebrow, feeling the undercurrent of longing for his presence back with the team Gibbs' words unwittingly made him aware of. He had been missed. And not only by Kate and McGee, who had to deal with Gibbs' legendary moods without Tony acting as a puffer. Or Abby, who just longed for her best friend. No, his boss seemed to be quite relieved to have Tony soon back with him, which made the younger man's heart leap with joy and his smile just a bit brighter.
"Good luck with the stumbling, boss", Tony quipped. "Don't fall." 'I won't be there to catch you', was implied, but not spoken aloud. But Gibbs saw it in Tony's expressive eyes and nodded. He knew that only too well. He always felt more at risk, when Tony wasn't there to watch his back - and figuratively catch him, when he fell. Meaning: protect him when there was danger ahead. Inwardly he was waiting restlessly to have Tony back at his side, where he belonged.
Tbc…
Story Notes:
please see chapter 1.
Author's Chapter Notes:
please see chapter 1.
Chapter End Notes:
please see chapter 1.