GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT.
Those words were chanting through Ryan’s head as he left the locker room looking for the fastest exit from the building. He needed fresh air before he lost it. He wasn’t sure if he would throw up or start crying again or wailing and screaming but he knew he needed to be by himself for at least 5 minutes, he needed to regroup. In some distant corner of his mind he realized that Tony blamed himself for Speed’s death. It wasn’t the truth but Ryan couldn’t deal with that now. That was for later. He had to get a handle on these emotions. He had to go back to work. Thankfully he was going to be pair with that new guy on Tony’s team. Hopefully the man wouldn’t be able to pick up on his mood.
UP! UP! UP! Ryan hit the stairs and made his way to the roof.
Finally! Ryan pushed through the doors to the roof access. No one ever came up here. The love of heights was a taste he acquired from Ezra. Generally no one came looking for you up high and you had a vantage point to see them from when they did eventually come looking for you, allowing you to either slip away unnoticed or to reveal yourself at your own discretion. He knew that Tony would come looking for him eventually. Tony would know just where to find him too, Tony was ambivalent about heights. They didn’t bother him, he used them as needed for his work or to escape his own thoughts, but he didn’t love them they same way his other two cousins did.
Ryan sat on the ledge of the roof with his eyes close at first taking in great gulps of air eventually slowing that to a steady pattern. Letting the warm breeze ease the agitation from him. Ryan let his thoughts drift.
OK it was a shock to find out that Speed was more the victim of a sadistic terrorist then a random theft turned murder. It didn’t change anything. Speed was still dead, it just meant that the motives for the killing changed. It also dumped a huge load of guilt on his cousin’s shoulders. He would have to try and get Tony to see that this wasn’t his fault.
Ryan continued going over the conversation that he had with Tony in the lockers. The FBI was mentioned. He wondered if that had anything to do with the altercation he had seen Tony get into with the lead FBI agent. Definitely something he had to investigate further.
Ryan was calmer now. This changed nothing really and he couldn’t do anything about it. Speed’s death still hurt, but it didn’t cripple him like it did initially. The first week after Speed’s death he couldn’t even remember. Nothing not one thing about it. He knew that Mary stayed with him for three weeks afterward and he thought that he had at least one other person staying during that week but the whole thing was a blank.
Ryan really didn’t want to repeat that portion of his life so he continued to tell himself that this changed nothing and went on as he had this morning and every morning after that first week, mourning the loss of his lover but determined to continue on with his life, to heal as best he could.
Ryan got up from his perch. He wasn’t going to wait till Tony came looking for him. He knew enough about Tony’s boss to know that he really needed to meet up with McGee and start on his assigned tasks. The last thing he wanted was a pissed off Gibbs gunning for him.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Ryan deals with his anxiety.