There are so many things I wish I could say to you. So many things that I need to get off my chest, but how can I? You’re dying and I feel so helpless. If I could take those events back, those times when I was a little hard on you, I would. I’d give anything to take them back.

Kate watched Tony as he lay on the bed, he looked so peaceful, but that was not the case. Tubes lay twisted over the crisp white sheets, Tony’s skin was damp from perspiration and his hair drooped in no real direction. Should she say something? She knew he was well aware of her presence, but made no effort to acknowledge her. Kate hated feeling this useless, how was her being here going to make him better? It wasn’t. She knew that, it was only for her own selfish needs.

No, Kate thought, He needs me, needs to feel like someone’s here to back him up.

Kate was mad with herself. Why was she here? Her being here put her own health at risk, she could get just as sick as Tony if the virus was passed on to her. It wouldn’t take much. Kate wanted to be near Tony. She was scared. Scared of losing him.

But why? Why am I afraid to lose him? He’s made it pretty damn clear that he’s not looking for a relationship, and especially not with his workmate. It makes it a little difficult to lose someone who you never had in the first place.

Kate looked at Tony. He was facing her and had his eyes open slightly, but his breathing was getting raspy and heavy and Kate could see that even opening his eyes was a strain on him.

"Kate?"

Kate looked into his eyes. She didn’t think she could stand it if he spoke anymore. It was too painful. To hear his voice once more would break her heart. But she had to answer him.

"Hmm?" Kate managed.

Tony looked at Kate. She looked so beautiful lying there. Peaceful. Her long brunette hair trailed behind her back and her dark eyes stared into his.

"Kate there’s something I’ve got to tell you." He spoke quietly, the effort quickly wore him out.

Kate could see it took a toll on him. Any sort of movement wore him out fast. "Shh," she hushed him. "Just rest."

Their eyes locked for a brief moment before Tony closed his. Kate didn’t know what he was about to say. Did she want to know? It sounded like a deathbed confession. No, no, no! He couldn’t die! The doctors would find out what was wrong with him. They’d find a cure. And Abby would find out what that powder was. Yes, she thought. In no time they’d be coming in here with an antidote. They’d be out of here in no time.

Kate thought about it all. Why was she here? Why did she have these feelings for a man who obviously didn’t feel the same? Anyway, if he did have feelings for her than why the hell didn’t he do something about it?

She’s asked him why he’d never made a move on her before. His response? Kate, I know you. What the hell did that mean? He knew her professionally, but he didn’t know her personally. He couldn’t seriously know her personally. Kate had kinda cut Tony out of her personal life, because whenever she tried to have a decent conversation with him he’s make some smart ass comment and totally disregard whatever she said. Men. Why’d they have to be so arrogant? Why’d every conversation with men have to involve sex? Sex isn’t everything; you don’t need sex for a relationship to work. In fact it makes everything a hell of a lot more complicated.

But that’s just it. Kate and Tony’s relationship was complicated. Maybe their lighthearted bantering was just a cover up for something else. Oh God, Kate thought, what if he’s got feelings for me? No, that’s not possible. He’s a womaniser, a skirt-chaser, there was no way it could ever be anything else.

Maybe she was just in denial.

Kate didn’t know how she felt about Tony. She knew that whenever he smiled it sent a shiver up her spine. When he brushed up against her she got goose bumps. When he spoke she couldn’t take her eyes off him.

Oh man, I sound like a lovesick schoolgirl!

Did she really think that?

But the truth is, Kate didn’t know. She wasn’t sure she could ever say it out loud. I love you. Argh! But she didn’t love him. No. Their relationship was purely professional. They were partners and they worked as a team. And they were friends. But that’s where it ended.

Tony still had his eyes closed. His breathing hadn’t slowed down and Kate wasn’t sure if he was awake or not.

Tony thought about Kate. She was beautiful, that’s for sure. But there were a lot of beautiful women in his life. What made her different? They’d been work partners for a while now, so their relationship was purely professional. Right? Tony knew what Kate thought about his social life. He loved the ladies, and on more than one occasion had got an earful from Kate about his various girlfriends. "Who’s it this week, hey Tony? Natalie? Sandy? Marie? She’d tease.

"Paula?"

That one hit hard. Tony knew that Kate was more than a little edgy when it came to Paula Cassidy. He reckoned she was jealous. It wasn’t that Paula and him had anything really going, but he reckoned that Kate felt some kind of resentment towards her, but she was too professional to admit it. And too proud. But Kate was the kinda person who wouldn’t admit that, ever. She had a tough exterior, yet Tony knew that she was only human, and humans can feel jealous when they faced competition. It was totally normal, but inside Tony just wished she wasn’t so tough, that she could let him know where he stood. Because he sure as hell didn’t have a clue.

They’d been through some tough situations where they’ve had to rely on each other to get out alive. To put you life in another’s hands took guts. Guts and sheer determination. And Tony was determined. He knew the doctors wouldn’t tell him the full extent of whatever the hell was wrong with him. Doctors were like that. People are like that.

What’s wrong with people that they can’t admit to anything?

Tony felt like crap and he knew, but if they didn’t find out what the hell that powder was and soon… Well, he didn’t really want to think about that.

But he did want to think about Kate. He knew that if he was dying, that this would be his last chance to tell her how he felt. He opened his eyes.

Kate was watching him. It was now or never.

"Kate there’s something I really need to tell you. I - " He started. Suddenly the door of the isolation room swung open and the doctor entered. He had a smock on and a clipboard of notes in his hand. Kate sat up and looked worriedly towards the doctor.

"Agent Todd, you can go. Your tests came back clean. No virus." The doctor said. Kate tried to smile, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Tony. What about this tests?

The doctor looked at Tony. "Ah, Agent DiNozzo, your tests came back with some anomalies, but it’s not severe."

"Not severe? Then why do I feel like crap?"

The doctor managed a smile. "Not as severe as we first thought. And no, it’s not anthrax. We’ve got treatment that we want to start right away."

The doctor leaned across to change Tony’s IV and scribble notes on his chart. Tony and Kate’s eyes met. The doctor left the room and Tony tried to sit up. Kate jumped off the bed to help him.

"Woah! Come on Tony, please don’t try to sit up." She pleaded with him. Tony perched on the side of his bed and Kate sat down next to him. They were close, so close that when Kate sat down the bed drooped inwards, and their legs touched. Tony noticed and looked up at Kate, but neither of them made any effort to move. Kate could feel her face going red. Why am I blushing?

Kate took a deep breath, "What did you want to tell me?" She tried to sound confident and unfazed.

"I’m glad you’re going to be alright. Really glad." He stressed the word "really". He was smiling, but Kate knew this was a different smile than the one she was used to. Usually he grinned madly when he made a joke, or a sexist remark to Kate, or when he smiled his winning smile in the attempt to pick up a girl. This smile was gentle, kind. Caring.

Kate didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t often that she was lost for words. But this time she didn’t know what to say. Should she thank him? Should she assure him that he’d be alright too?

Should I tell him that I’m falling in love with him?
"Tony there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time too…" Kate began. Their eyes were locked to each others.

Tony smiled, "You first."

Kate started to shake her head, but she knew that Tony wouldn’t budge. "Tony I don’t want to lose you… I…I…can’t lose you." Kate’s voice started to get shaky, and a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Hey, hey," Tony soothed. He was acting really out of character, but being sick did make you do things out of character after all. He put his arm around her shoulder, and for once Kate didn’t resist. "Kate I’m not going anywhere. I’m not gonna leave you, alright?"

Kate looked up, "I bet you think I’m being stupid. Crying…but I mean it. I don’t ever want us to stop being friends."

"Just friends?" Tony asked.

Kate was stunned. He couldn’t want more, could he?

"Kate I don’t want to be just friends with you."

Kate nodded and shifter closer to Tony. He picked up her hand, their fingers interlocking.

There was no need for words. They knew what each other meant.

Kate rested her head on Tony’s shoulder and he stroked her hair. There was no need for words, but Kate needed to hear it out loud.

"I…I love you Tony."

"I love you too Kate. I always have."